how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, September 24, 2012

the time of my life

i waited a long time for a chance to do something fun; to go somewhere.   for the last 3 years i've read about people having trips and going places to get away; to be with friends and/or family.
and now it was my turn.

i made a Bunny for my son and took it with me.  she watched the flight trip screen on the plane the whole trip.  that's how excited we were.
 when he picked me up, he wasn't just at the pickup lane waiting in the car.  he had parked and was waiting inside just outside the security checkpoint.  i saw him as i was walking out.  and i got teary a little bit.  he is my son, my baby; my6'4" little boy who is the man of the house, so to speak.  he has done things for me, been there, given me money, yelled at people; he has helped me so much.  just like i did for him when he was little and vulnerable.

so he took me to Universal Studios first to have some crazy fun.  we rode rides where we when fast and ones where we got really soaked.  and then we got off, ran around, and rode them again.
 he showed me what he does at work and how he does it.  it is fascinating.  his work is on the Golf Channel and we sat and watched it come across the screen.  it was so cool to see that.
 the next day he took me to play golf.  i haven't played in 25 years.  and i kept up nicely, thank you very much.  i used to be a 3 handicap.  not anymore, but i can still drive the ball 130 yards.  with practice i'll get it back.
 my son and i had such a good time together.  we rode in a cart and played the entire 18 holes got in under the wire of an late afternoon thunderstorm.  we saw the changing of seasons together ~ summer to fall.
 our last full day together we went to a zoo and paddled kayaks around the park with a guide who talked of the animals and their habitats.  i took hundreds of photos there. 


i took hundreds of photos throughout the whole trip.  when i left there, my heart was sinking a bit.  i relaxed for the first time in years.  i felt good for the first time in years.  my son was the lead, taking care of everything.  if i mentioned i was hungry, i had food in short order.  he asked if i was thirsty while handing me a bottle of cold water he'd brought.  i felt safe and loved.  my son is so much fun to be with.  we had long conversations and laughed so much.  we played games on his XBox, the kind where you stand in front of it and are part of the game.  it was hysterical.

and when i left there, i immediately started missing him.  i miss him so very much.  my children and my dogs are my heart and soul.  they always were, and my husband was my breath.  now that he is gone, it is all about my children.  i hid my tears when he took me to the airport.  he parked and walked me in.  he saw me to the security point.  i had to watch him walk away and it damn near killed me.  but i had to get back to the life i have here.

i left a bunny behind to sit with the golf bear i made him when he got the job at the Golf Channel.  they both sit in a place of honor in his home.
i had forgotten how to have fun.  i do not have faith in other people.  lost it along the way somewhere between being forgotten and being left behind.  but with my children i see that i can play.  i can have fun.  i just need to feel safe to let go a bit.  

i wish he lived closer.  he wishes it, too.  i always have a home with him.  he said that.  he will always make sure i am safe.  and i do, feel safe.  seeing his face when he said it to me, his eyes, the seriousness, the dedication and love he has for me.  i know i can always turn to him.

i love you, my handsome little boy.  i accept that you're all grown up and i am so very proud of you.
~ love, mom

5 comments:

Sandy said...

I am so happy to hear you had a wonderful time with your son. He is a very handsome man. Try to keep those good feelings going as you return to your "normal" routine. xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Yes, so happy to read about this adventure - sons are precious (so are daughters of course)!
Nancy

judemiller1 said...

You are so very lucky! Glad you could have this fun time.

thelmaz said...

I am so glad glad glad to hear about all the fun on your trip. Hope there'll be many more times like that

Anonymous said...

I am so very happy for you! What a truly wonderful trip (much needed and well deserved, too) Thank you for sharing it with us.

xx

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