how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, September 1, 2012


no where to turn.  can't talk about it yet.  it is too hard.  all i want is peace.  i just want a period of time when nothing goes wrong.  i don't want anything bad to happen, no one causing trouble for me; i just want to have a period of time, longer than 5 minutes, where i have nothing to worry about.

i just want some peace.

i want the world at large to just leave me alone.


just give me some time where nothing bad is going on.


i wish i had him here.  i wish he were here so badly.  i need him so much right now.  missing him is so much harder when things go wrong.  and things have gone wrong off and on since the day he died.


Anonymous said...

Just want you to know I am here, I read your words, I wish you peace that passes understanding..

Honyb50 said...
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judemiller1 said...

Even the littlest bad things are magnified when we don't have our back-up guys with us. I hate it!!! At least you have a nice car now that isn't going to go least you have that.

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