i'll talk about the job thing some other time. i don't want to sound like i'm complaining.
i got the results of some other tests i had done. today the doctor told me that i need 3 surgeries. both my feet and my left knee need surgery. i told him it will have to wait until i can have health care again. he understood but told me the pain will get increasingly worse. there is nothing i can do.
i went home to just sit and remind myself to breathe but i was forced to deal with 3 very small deaths that bear no import to anyone but me. there will be no write up in any papers or anything like that. in fact, some readers may roll their eyes. and that's okay. i understand that these 3 things are only important to me.
my humidifier died today. i use it to help me breathe at night.
my toaster died today. sometimes toast is all i have left to eat until my next paycheck.
my fish died today. i've had him for almost 3 years.
humidifier and toaster have been solemnly removed to the dumpster. i stood there for a moment and considered the cost of each item. can't do it right now. if my breathing starts to disintegrate i will sell something at the pawn shop and get me another one. the toaster? someday i'll get another one.
my fish, Moby Mocha Boo, has been tearfully removed from his tank and placed in a baggy of water and placed in the freezer. i will take him to my daughter's house on my day off on Friday to be buried in her back yard. yes, i called her. she has fish. 3 huge tanks at her house. 3 dogs. 2 lizards. the girl understands my love of animals. she carries my genes for that.
i made up a song for him that i sang to him every night before i went to bed. i have songs for Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums, too. every animal i've ever owned had their own song that i made up. it's a foolish thing to do, but i've always been a fool like that. i sing silly songs to fill the quiet and my animals always seemed to like it. my dogs love their songs. Moby Mocha Boo would swim to the top of the tank when i sang his song, even if it wasn't feeding time.
and now he's gone.
i tried not to look at his eyes when i placed him in the baggy. but before i put him in there, i took a sharpie and wrote his song on the baggy so he will have it with him when i put him in the earth. and even though i am burying my fish in the earth, he has his water all around him.
i hope he knows how very much i love him and how soothing his swimming was to me.
Moby Mocha Boo, i love you. you're swimmy and you're silly.
Moby Mocha Boo, i love you. you're pretty and you're mine.
good-bye, Moby. you were a funny, silly, very pretty little fish.