how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

3 surgeries, 3 deaths ~ a day in the life of...

i have done nothing today but look for another job, deal with some medical issues, and been the observer of 3 deaths.

i'll talk about the job thing some other time.  i don't want to sound like i'm complaining.

i got the results of some other tests i had done.  today the doctor told me that i need 3 surgeries.  both my feet and my left knee need surgery.  i told him it will have to wait until i can have health care again.  he understood but told me the pain will get increasingly worse.  there is nothing i can do.

i went home to just sit and remind myself to breathe but i was forced to deal with 3 very small deaths that bear no import to anyone but me.  there will be no write up in any papers or anything like that.  in fact, some readers may roll their eyes.  and that's okay.  i understand that these 3 things are only important to me.

my humidifier died today.  i use it to help me breathe at night.
my toaster died today.  sometimes toast is all i have left to eat until my next paycheck.
my fish died today.  i've had him for almost 3 years.

humidifier and toaster have been solemnly removed to the dumpster.  i stood there for a moment and considered the cost of each item.  can't do it right now.  if my breathing starts to disintegrate i will sell something at the pawn shop and get me another one.  the toaster?  someday i'll get another one.

my fish, Moby Mocha Boo, has been tearfully removed from his tank and placed in a baggy of water and placed in the freezer.  i will take him to my daughter's house on my day off on Friday to be buried in her back yard.  yes, i called her.  she has fish.  3 huge tanks at her house.  3 dogs.  2 lizards.  the girl understands my love of animals.  she carries my genes for that.

i made up a song for him that i sang to him every night before i went to bed.  i have songs for Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums, too.  every animal i've ever owned had their own song that i made up.  it's a foolish thing to do, but i've always been a fool like that.  i sing silly songs to fill the quiet and my animals always seemed to like it.  my dogs love their songs.  Moby Mocha Boo would swim to the top of the tank when i sang his song, even if it wasn't feeding time.

and now he's gone.

i tried not to look at his eyes when i placed him in the baggy.  but before i put him in there, i took a sharpie and wrote his song on the baggy so he will have it with him when i put him in the earth.  and even though i am burying my fish in the earth, he has his water all around him.

i hope he knows how very much i love him and how soothing his swimming was to me.

Moby Mocha Boo, i love you.  you're swimmy and you're silly.
Moby Mocha Boo, i love you.  you're pretty and you're mine.

good-bye, Moby.  you were a funny, silly, very pretty little fish.


Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered disability? I don't know your exact circumstances, but it seems to me that you have a lot of health issues. I know people who've had far less complications and health issues who get a disability check. And you can still work part time with disability in some places. Just a thought. I'm sorry for the loss of your fish. And I hope you can get a new humidifier and toaster soon.

judemiller1 said...

Why is it that just one thing can't break--it has to be two or three at a time? I'm sorry about Moby--I sure never would have thought to put him in a bag of water, so he is in water eternally. I had a turtle that I adored--I know the feeling of that kind of loss--others think we are weird--so what!!! If you sent me a link to the kind of humidifier you need--like on, if they sell that kind, I will order one for you and have it sent to you. Okay?

abandonedsouls said...

Anonymous, i have never considered disability as i do work a full time job. i had always thought disability was for the truly truly Disabled - with a capital D. i am not disabled. but yes, i have diabetes, high blood pressure, severe arthritis. betting at least 40% of the working population over the age of 49 has a lot of these issues as well.

Judy, my son called me this morning and asked me what i wanted for Mother's Day. i told him a humidifier. he is going to get me one and a toaster, too. i thank you for your offer and you must know i would never have accepted. you and i are pretty much rowing the same "hope we get by" financial rowboat together. but you are a sweetie pie for offering. love you much. i pray it gets a little better for us. or as it is implied in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, "this too shall pass."

Anonymous said...

No rolling of the eyes here, just sympathy. Sorry to hear about your three losses, and the need for more surgery, really hope something comes through for you soon. So glad that you are back in the cyberworld and your blog is still here, would really miss it if you went! Drop by often, like calling in at a friend's house to see how u doing. Can't sit across the table and have a chat, but come here when I need to tread the same path as another widow for a while, and know I'm in the company of a like minded soul. Take care, do understand about the fish, have some myself - they are a relaxing presence! All the best, Maisy.

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