how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

what is wrong with me?

i do not know what is wrong with me,
but something has to be wrong.
i'm not getting with the program.
i'm not moving on.

i miss him immensely.  i wish he were here.
i wish i were stronger inside.
i wish i wasn't so scared.
i am upset with myself.

i don't know how to fix this.
i try so hard to do everything correctly;
do what is expected of me.
i am working very focused on being what i am supposed to be.

but i cannot lie.
i am not happy.
i am not content.
in fact, i am miserable.

i am scared and worried and filled with anxiety.
i am deathly worried about money,

right now i have to wait 3 months for health care with this new job,
but at least i have a new job.
the pay is less but at least i will have income.
so why am i so miserable.

no, it's not bears anymore.
i sell shoes.
and if i thought they could be unreasonable about bears
they are psycho about shoes.

beyond my fears of life,
as for searching for that happiness thing i have tried to promise myself,
i am failing.
i feel numb inside.

i feel insincere when i smile.
it's tired and fake.
but i manage it for a paycheck.
i keep it all inside until i get back here.

i am failing my children though.
they want me to be happy.
i lie but they can see that i am depressed.
i am too exhausted to do anything but sleep on my days off.

8 hour shifts.  hour + drive to and from work.
i am exhausted.
and i pay my bills but i have little left over for food.
i need the left over funds for gas to get to work and meds.

what is wrong with me that i cannot get on board with this new life?
i am lonely.  i miss talking to him.
i do not have friends.  i do not have the time.
and yet, i would really like to have someone to talk to.

i cry a lot on that hour + drive to and from work.
it's a long haul and takes so much gas.
it's a lonely drive way out there, to another town.
4 towns over.

one more week of that training and then,
i will be sent to another store.
only 40 minutes away, 5 minutes further away than Northlake
where i used to work.

i hate the idea
of always finding jobs
that want me in stores
that are so freakin' far away.

i wish i could find something where i could sit down
and work and make money
and be given health care
and it's only 10 minutes away.

i read about other widows who are getting along just fine;
in fact they are thriving.
they plan trips, go out with friends, date, get married again,
set up big foundations and become renowned as humanitarians
put on pedestals
have people come to them sobbing saying, "you've saved me."
"shown me how to live."
they take tragedy and turn it into livelihood
into something so grand and honorable
while i have done nothing but try to write away my pain
and i've gotten

these women are living.
they truly live.
they are thriving,
not just merely existing,
like me.

i am not living at all.  i am struggling.
i am merely trying to survive.
and i think it's too much to ask life
to let me enjoy some small part of it again.

is it the money thing?
is it the feeling of safety?
of knowing they have a place to live and friends, support around them?
is it knowing, the confidence of being able to go to get food,
any amount of food they want at any time that makes life so much more bareable?
would having those things make it more bearable to me?
would this pain i am trying to write away right now vanish were i to have
enough to live on?
am i an ungrateful wretch for wanting that?

i should just be grateful for a job
that pays and gives health care; and i am.
i should just be grateful that that is all i have.
barely enough is as good as any feast, right?
but my dreams... my fantasies....

in them i have so much more.
nothing crazy, just a small cottage by the sea.
a place for my dogs and me to be free,
and safe.

what is wrong with me that i want these things?
am i that arrogant and selfish?
freedom from worry and anxiety.
i just want to have enough to eat and be safe.

i'd like to have him back.
i'd like to have a touch more than barely enough to get by.
such an arrogant shit i am.
what is wrong with me?


Anonymous said...

There is NOTHING wrong with you....

Sandy said...

I life without worry and anxiety doesn't exist. Everyone worries about things we just all worry about different things. I too drive an hour every day to work, work 8 hours and then drive an hour home. I have no paid vacation, paid holidays or health insurance. BUT....I have a job and for that I am grateful every day. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a worry free just doesn't exist. Not for you or anyone.

Anonymous said...

Since you aren't allowing comments on your new post - maybe you will see this. I am a lurker, although maybe the term "silent witness" is better. I come here and listen to what you pour out. I have thoughts and suggestions but I am one who only gives those when asked. I know this is your place to process your grief. The hardest things to get from comments is intent and tone. I did not read the above comment as harsh or implying you are stupid, but just as an agreement that life is hard and we all worry. Dear Bunny please reconsider going dark here - your words are important - probably more so for you to say than for us to hear, but important no less. You can always turn off comments on posts that make you feel extra vulnerable. Your fears and worries are real - but I know they are just a part of who you are - you are much more than the small window you choose to open here. For what it is worth, I see you.

Anonymous said...

Hello Bunny...I agree with Nancy, & don't feel that the comment from Sandy was intended to offend or make you feel's true that we all have worries &'s just so much harder to survive & go on with what's left of our lives without the person who was the foundation of our world...whatever our situations are, common threads exist...I hope you will continue to express your feelings here for your own peace of mind, but also for those of us who care about you & what you have to say...
Please take care of yourself...

Anonymous said...

Please don't stop writing, I discovered your beautiful blog late one night last year, and have gone back and read all your previous posts. It has helped me so much. Lost my husband two years ago, and fell down the rabbit hole - didn't want to go on, and learnt for the first time the meaning of the word "unbearable". Your beautiful pictures and word pictures show you are an artist, and probably more people than you know have read your blog and been helped by it. I send you my love, and if I ever have a win on the lottery, I'll send you a large cheque! Much love from Sarah in Devon, England. Keep going my dear, your husband would be proud of you and your hard work and reaching out to others. Much love xxxx

Anonymous said...

Of course you're frightened, of course you're worried. People get frightened of raw grief, and you are "supposed" to be a coper if you are a widow. Well screw that. You have coped, and wonderfully well, but all you have done "wrong" is right the truth. I wish you all the best Bunny, and will be thinking of you with the results of your biopsy. You are not on your own, there is a whole world of raw people out here, alone, widowed, hurt. You have done nothing wrong, "screen out" the negative results. Some people are more evolved than others. Keep the faith. Maisy x

Cathy said...

Bunny, I also agree that the comment probably was not intended to offend you. Sometimes we take what others say and hear something else, and what they intended to tell you becomes something totally different. I think what she meant to convey to you is that we all worry, that is a part of everyone's lives, and as a widow, it has been compounded many times over.
I try to look at the next day, and not focus too far in the future. You can't predict what the future will hold, and worrying about it makes no sense, usually what you think is gonna happen doesn't, and you have worried in vain. I hope your biopsy results set your mind at ease; I have been through breast cancer , one more challenge to deal with, and it sucks. Some days are better than others, but not many. Take time for you, which I hope includes continuing to write.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, please, don't abandon this blog. I have learned so much about grief and my own grief from your words. You have a way of writing that pulls it all together and brings me comfort. I love your descriptions of people and events. Thank you for all you have done, you have helped me.

Lourdes said...

I was the first person to comment on this post-I'm sorry to hear that you have decided not to continue this blog. I started following you years ago-I rarely comment as I feel that I am intruding or "lurking" so to speak. I just want you to know that you have a gift, and that a stranger out in the internet world thinks about you and is rooting for you. I'll be checking on you periodically in the hopes that you resume this blog. I'll also be praying that you get a clean bill of health.

Anonymous said...

I am also know as a 'lurker.' We are often cut down for not commenting on posts. I feel terribly that I haven't ever commented because now I fear that you really will end your blog without understanding or realizing the impact you have had on so many people. There are so many of us lurkers out there, gathering bits of strength from your blog. I have often read the comments, and read your reactions to the comments. In my life, i often feel hurt by what others say, I am often wounded and hurt even if that was not their intention. People say a lot of things to each other, but i don't think they always measure the impact. I don't think it would be helpful to give my opinion on what others intention are. But I know even the best intended words can hurt. I try to do my best to get along. I feel like a wounded bird, hiding in my nest, taking a beating from other birds and constantly waiting for the hawk to come and finish me off. I have gathered much from your blog and the words of others, and I have realized I am not alone, even if it is only cyberspace. I hope my words reach you in some way. I hope somehow I have gathered enough words from my often quiet mouth to reach your heart.-Birdy

Sandy/Ct said...

i am sorry that someone's words have had a negative impact on you. It probably was not her intent, but happened anyway. I have been reading your blog for several years, but rarely comment. I thought it was important to let you know that you have had a positive impact on my life. You are often in my prayers and I wish you peace. Sandy in CT

Anonymous said...

I just want to say dont let poeple stop you from saying how you feel. my daughter found your page and it touched her my rock her dad passed 2-2-13 we are haveing a hard time. and you put in words how I feel and said it in a much more elegant way than I could thank you.

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