i do not know what is wrong with me,
but something has to be wrong.
i'm not getting with the program.
i'm not moving on.
i miss him immensely. i wish he were here.
i wish i were stronger inside.
i wish i wasn't so scared.
i am upset with myself.
i don't know how to fix this.
i try so hard to do everything correctly;
do what is expected of me.
i am working very focused on being what i am supposed to be.
but i cannot lie.
i am not happy.
i am not content.
in fact, i am miserable.
i am scared and worried and filled with anxiety.
i am deathly worried about money,
right now i have to wait 3 months for health care with this new job,
but at least i have a new job.
the pay is less but at least i will have income.
so why am i so miserable.
no, it's not bears anymore.
i sell shoes.
and if i thought they could be unreasonable about bears
they are psycho about shoes.
beyond my fears of life,
as for searching for that happiness thing i have tried to promise myself,
i am failing.
i feel numb inside.
i feel insincere when i smile.
it's tired and fake.
but i manage it for a paycheck.
i keep it all inside until i get back here.
i am failing my children though.
they want me to be happy.
i lie but they can see that i am depressed.
i am too exhausted to do anything but sleep on my days off.
8 hour shifts. hour + drive to and from work.
i am exhausted.
and i pay my bills but i have little left over for food.
i need the left over funds for gas to get to work and meds.
what is wrong with me that i cannot get on board with this new life?
i am lonely. i miss talking to him.
i do not have friends. i do not have the time.
and yet, i would really like to have someone to talk to.
i cry a lot on that hour + drive to and from work.
it's a long haul and takes so much gas.
it's a lonely drive way out there, to another town.
4 towns over.
one more week of that training and then,
i will be sent to another store.
only 40 minutes away, 5 minutes further away than Northlake
where i used to work.
i hate the idea
of always finding jobs
that want me in stores
that are so freakin' far away.
i wish i could find something where i could sit down
and work and make money
and be given health care
and it's only 10 minutes away.
i read about other widows who are getting along just fine;
in fact they are thriving.
they plan trips, go out with friends, date, get married again,
set up big foundations and become renowned as humanitarians
put on pedestals
have people come to them sobbing saying, "you've saved me."
"shown me how to live."
they take tragedy and turn it into livelihood
into something so grand and honorable
while i have done nothing but try to write away my pain
and i've gotten
these women are living.
they truly live.
they are thriving,
not just merely existing,
i am not living at all. i am struggling.
i am merely trying to survive.
and i think it's too much to ask life
to let me enjoy some small part of it again.
is it the money thing?
is it the feeling of safety?
of knowing they have a place to live and friends, support around them?
is it knowing, the confidence of being able to go to get food,
any amount of food they want at any time that makes life so much more bareable?
would having those things make it more bearable to me?
would this pain i am trying to write away right now vanish were i to have
enough to live on?
am i an ungrateful wretch for wanting that?
i should just be grateful for a job
that pays and gives health care; and i am.
i should just be grateful that that is all i have.
barely enough is as good as any feast, right?
but my dreams... my fantasies....
in them i have so much more.
nothing crazy, just a small cottage by the sea.
a place for my dogs and me to be free,
what is wrong with me that i want these things?
am i that arrogant and selfish?
freedom from worry and anxiety.
i just want to have enough to eat and be safe.
i'd like to have him back.
i'd like to have a touch more than barely enough to get by.
such an arrogant shit i am.
what is wrong with me?