reading the 2nd comment from my previous post has me in tears over my apparent stupidity. i am devastated that i wrote that piece; that i expressed my fears and worries. her words shined a bright light that shows what a fool i am.
the comment also has me realizing that i must stop writing publicly. heretofore i have found words of solace coming from those who left messages. but i am in a very dark place and now feel humiliated by what i write.
waiting on the results of a possible cancer diagnosis, the heavy fear of what might be coming my way, worrying about what and if and how...? {if i do on with my worries it can be pointed out that there is no life without worry and i am a fool for expressing that i wish i had less to worry about} but i do worry about my children. i am at an extremely low point right now and i cannot take her verbal recrimination. at this time i cannot take someone showing me how stupid i am with my worries.
i signed on to hopefully find some show of support that i so desperately need. she made me feel ashamed for what i wrote.
he is not here to temper this little cruelty by saying things like, "aw, tell her to piss up a rope." or "f*ck her. write what you want. it's your thing. tell'em all to f*ck off."
he is not here to be with me while i wait on the doctor's report from the biopsy. i feel so down and scared.
it will be a while before i even think of writing again. should i choose to make an appearance here ever again, i swear up and down that i will take careful thought before writing something that someone might feel the urgent need to take apart and condemn.
but since this has now become a source of pain, i may elect not write anymore at all.
Bunny out.
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