how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

giving myself another chance

first let me write that i read all the comments and they touched me greatly.  i won't apologize for my meltdown.  i have been under a great deal of stress.  it simply happened.  i acknowledge it, but i won't apologize for it.  i fully admit that i am fragile right now.  i am tired through and through.  it's my fault.  i am working on it.  i want to move past it.  i like unloading here.  it helps me get the poison out.  one person wrote to "screen out" the comments that hurt.  i will try to do that.  i think it will be okay to give myself another chance here.

i had always thought that blogs were for their owner's to write anything they want.  if they so choose, they can rant and rave and lift their fist to the sky to get it all out.  primal scream therapy.  but misunderstandings can come because, as someone else wrote, tone is absent.  we do not really know each other here.  i will say, though, that when i leave a comment on someone's blog, i am always greatly careful how i word things.  i would never want to confuse someone or hurt their feelings.

secondly, i got the news of benign.  they do wish to do another screening when my insurance kicks in again this summer.  i admit i cried when i was told.  and if i ever get bad news, i will tell you i will cry then, too.

i continue to sew when i have a day off.
 quilt top for my son for his birthday that is a work in progress.
 winter
 spring
 summer; and fall is up top as the new banner photo.
 i am purging my closet of his jeans.  i am making myself a kind of Memory Quilt.

and just for the fun of it, here is my little Scootie Wootums who seems to believe
that he can look into the camera lens and see me looking at him.
i continue to miss him.  i am purging my apartment of things {hence the cut up jeans quilt}.  i cleaned out a drawer and found a bunch of papers from the funeral home that handled the cremation for me.  they had a list of things that are "normal" for a grieving person.  of the 20 things on that list, i can still tick off 9 - 11 of those things on any given day. 

throughout most of the days, every day, i do my job.  i work.  i clean my apartment.  i take care of my puppies.  i go to the grocery store.  i sew.  i draw.  but i miss him.  i am lonely.  i do not feel like taking off my rings so i don't think about it.  i do not wish to date to not be lonely.  when i think about how much fun we had, the kind of person he was, how we talked, lived together, loved each other, all the things we went through; i just kinda don't want to try with anyone else.  they say you cannot compare but the terrible thing about me is that i would compare.  he was awesome and i adored him and put him up on this pedestal.  he's still there for me.  so i'm not ready.

but i am lonely.  the days are long.  the nights are long.  but before anyone can point out that everyone has long and lonely lives, that i could do something about it by dating, just know that i know that.  it doesn't ease my missing him.  i understand that being lonely is sort of my choice by living the way i do.  i see the paradox in it. 

it is what it is and i am who i am.  as i wrote at the beginning, i am not going to apologize. 
peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.

7 comments:

Cathy said...

Good to see you back here. Your quilting is beautiful, wish I could get inspired to create something, anything. And nice to hear the biopsy went in your favor.

We all grieve in our own way, in our own time, take the time you need, you will know when it is right to move on. Sending you peace also, it is a long road we are on, but nice to know that others are on it too.

Anonymous said...

So glad to see you back. Your quilts are awesome. Thank you for continuing to inspire with your creativity and allowing us to share in your journey. ~Melissa

~Shelly~ said...

The jean quilt is an awesome idea! I love that!
Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

My mother-in-law made a quilt out of my husbands jeans - she embroidered special dates, our anniversary, children's birthdays etc. It is precious. Those season panels are amazing!! They would look so pretty framed and in a row on the wall. You do gorgeous work.
Oh and thanks for coming back, your voice is being heard and you are not alone.
Nancy

abandonedsouls said...

thank you for your kind comments and for not mentioning my meltdown. i've picked myself up and am working on being a better person. i am planning a little update on Bunny soon now that she doesn't go to work with me anymore. working on the photos.

judemiller1 said...

I too feel that my blog is where I can vent and let it all out, but--now I think someone I wouldn't want to know all that stuff about me, may be reading, so I am being careful. I hate that--having to restrict my thoughts and feelings and the way I so need to express them to get that poison out of my head!! As for dating? Maybe someday--you are still very young. As for me--never!!! I have no desire for any man in my life ever again! I have found I quite enjoy living alone with my two cats, being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Loneliness? Yes--but---it's okay. We are both okay just the way we are--love ya--little bunny!!

Anonymous said...

So pleased to see you back, and so happy to hear that your results are so good. Onwards and upwards! Keep writing your heartfelt blog with the beautiful pictures, your words resonate with a lot of us. Take care bunny, Sarah from devon x

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