change in the air

there are changes in the air for me.  the possibility of chances to do different, be different.

okay, not really be different but to live differently.

i went on a job interview that looks promising.

we'll see.  it's a process.

i am waiting to see if i can transfer to a different store, a store closer to me.

i am going to really try to play a bit of golf here and there.

it's something i really like to do.

and i have the opportunity to move to a different place, a cheaper place.

i'll have to do all this when the time presents itself.

nothing can be hurried.

i want to make the right decision.

i want to make a good decision for myself.

i want to live more simply and try to start saving money.

the apartment is over someone's garage.

and it would be much smaller and considerably cheaper,

and a lot more private.

i'm going to go look at it on Monday evening.

i'm excited about it.

i got to see my son again.

today.

he is working the U.S. Open {he works for the Golf Channel}.

he got me a ticket to get in.

he got a bit of time off to show me around.

he drove us in a golf cart to some exclusive areas that he, by virtue of the Golf Channel,

could get us into.

it was very nice.

he was so proud to be able to do this for me.

i was just so happy to be with him.

i love him beyond words.

he and my daughter are my everything.

my longing for my Dragon is still there though.

it is a quieter longing.

it is a soft whisper when i am alone.

it is the sigh from my lips in a silent room.

the television is off.

the lights are low for sleep.

it is the heavy awareness that he is so far removed my where i am now.

or i am so far from where he was, where we were when he died.

and my heart breaks a little bit more.

 

i'm fine.  i have some chances here to make my situation a little better,

and i will be grateful and content.

but i still miss him.

i wish he were here to share in this with me.

he's gone.

he died.

and i accept that.

but i worry about him.

{not a crisis of faith, just being human}

i love him very much.

i miss him.

i miss our marriage.

i miss our friendship.

yes, still.

there is a change in the air.

i am hoping and, yes, praying, that things work out for me.

i really need them to.

but wherever i go,

whatever changes take place,

or don't take place,

i still love him and feel married to him.

i'm not looking to make any changes in that area of my life.

summer is here again, my love.

and i still love you. 

say "yes"

so i deleted my previous post.  thank you to those who meant well.

i got a horrendous lengthy comment that made me mad so i close the door what what i said.

i guess grief blogs aren't what they used to be.

going to keep it less personal which i think defeats the purpose of a grief blog.

in the early stages, i would read others and not feel so alone.  they were saying what i was feeling.

but now, well, i will still speak my truth, just not all of it.

slumpy Bunny is back.  things aren't going great.

 i didn't get the manager's job that i've been doing for a month.  "do it for one more month.  we've hired someone to take care of both stores.  instead of paying 2 people larger salaries we're paying one person a salary and a half."

so i'm acting manager for one more month on an assistant manager pay and then i'm back at my store. 

i cried.  my feelings were hurt.

i've workd so hard.

and i'm scared.

my rent is going up.  i can't afford to live here anymore.  the place i moved into 3 days after he died and i can't afford to live here anymore.

i have asked {read almost "begged"} to be allowed to rent a room in my son-in-law's grandmother's house.

i would pay less rent there and would do all the housework, plus all the yard work, plus keep my 40 hour a week job to have money and health care.  my dogs could keep her company while i am at work and i would be her companion when i am "home" and on my days off.  i would take care of her so she can live longer in her own home.  my son-in-law's mother said this is a win-win for them, but she has to ask her brother and sister.  so i am waiting for that conversation and for their approval.

i hope they all agree; that they all think it's a win-win.

and they know me.  my daughter is having their grandson/great grandson.

i hope they say "yes" very soon.

my stomach is in knots over the uncertainty of it all.

if i had enough money i would get me a little cabin type place i think.

and it would house all my books.  like below.

cool photograph, huh?

 and this photo is a blast from a long past blog entry....

the Saracen Tower.

i still think about a place like it.  i could be safe in a place like this.

no one could get me.

i know you're wondering why i think of safety and preventing no one from getting me.

it's a crazy story but simple one.

i've been "gotten to" a lot by some not nice people.

all i want; all i've ever wanted is a quiet life.  peaceful.  i want to breathe.

i want to live out my days in safety....from money trouble and criticism and judgements.

just let me work and go home do what needs to be done to deserve to live in a little home with a nice elderly lady.

i could sit and sew with my dogs and keep her company.

i don't need a Saracen Tower.

i don't need a cabin.

i'd whittle down my life to a little room at the end of a hallway,

in a home where i take care of the housework and yard work.

i'd be so safe in that one little room at the end of the hallway,

and i'd work so hard to make it a happy place and a place of acceptance

for me and the lovely lady who lives there.

fingers crossed.  stomach in turmoil waiting to be approved.

i hope they say "yes" very, very soon.  i'm a nice Bunny who needs a home.

i'm a scared Bunny who needs a little help.  i would work so hard.

all they have to do is say "yes."