holidays, work, & the Bun

the Bun is writing today since she will be a little busy and does not know when she will post again. she has a lot on her plate. oh, Lordy, Lordy. she will be a busy girl. sewing, quilting, stuffing bears, dressing bears {and by bear we mean bunnies and bears and puppies and kittens and wolves and Abominable Snowmen and reindeer, etc.}. she will also be grieving.

such a difference a year makes. 21 months, yeah, yeah, she knows the week and day and hour, but this time around her little eyes are wide awake. life has smacked her and smacked her, well, like it does for a lot of us, and yet it has given her some blessings. she got to go to the Soul Widows retreat. she has someone to talk to now once a week. she has a job. she has her children. and she has her memories of her lovely, lovely Dragon.

and she has her Christmas Tree.

this is her Dragon Tree. he bought it for her when it was just a twiggy thing in a tiny pot. now it has grown into this pretty little bit larger tree and for the first time she can decorate it for Christmas. Dragon tree. Bunny and her daughter went to Wally World aka Wal-Mart to get food for Thanksgiving and she got little twinkle lights and tiny ornaments for it.
they decorated it together since no one, absolutely no one should decorate a tree alone. yes, the Bun had egg nog. no, she did not spike it. the Bun goes easy on the demon rum since she is a giggly girl. besides, Dragon tree kind of leans a little bit anyway and we do not need Bunny leaning.
Bunny's much taller daughter helped her put the star on Dragon Tree. now, now, we know it is early but Bunny has her hours at her other job and she knows she will be busy there. then she will come home and sew and quilt and embroidery. she will be busy at home. all she wants to do is work and earn the almighty dollar so she can merely exist. but hey, some living has to go on. she wants to come home and turn on Christmas lights.
and so she will. lovely Dragon tree. sad, Dragonless little Bun.

she is headed into the holiday season wide awake. she is still in pain. she is still missing her Dragon, but the difference is now she knows exactly how much. shock and numbness are fading and the sharp, deep aching pain of his absence is felt in every fiber of her furry little body. she hopes all this work will help her hold back the tears until she falls into bed. she hopes the frenetic work she will be doing to keep up with deadlines and the long lines of people wanting stuffing for their new friends and clothes and accessories for them will keep her blind to what day it is, how close it is to Christmas, to the fact that her Dragon is not waiting for her at the apartment.

one day, Bunny is aware, her grief will be less sharp. she will always feel it. it chafes now from all the financial woes that add to her worry. Bunny is not so much on the road of grief towards healing so much as she on a meandering path of grief. Bunny has always done it different. she is wandering around her field of grief and her forest of grief. her life now filled with sorrow and she is stopping to look at flower that grows there, touch every tree that spreads its branches to the sky, and take a picture of every cloud that floats by. she is taking a picture of each evening there is a moon. Bunny is laying down to look up and is not afraid to keep laying there. she is not static. she is just meditating before she makes a move. this is more of a stroll for Bunny than it is a bona fide official journey of any kind.

looking back she believes she is making progress, some progress. Bunny no longer compares her grief with others. she is far too busy. she has far too many worries without wondering where she falls on the Great Timeline of Sorrow. she will just go her own way. holidays and work. the Bun will try to get through it. then she will skippity-do past her birthday.

early in February she will find a flower in a wide field and sit down again. she will mentally rest and wait for that wall of water that is the second anniversary of her Dragon's death. she will tumble and swirl and spin underwater until after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral that was so tragic. then she guesses she will get up and meander around again. Bunny's journey of grief will take a long, long time. she will love him and want him and miss him until she dies.

Bun hopes you like her Dragon Christmas Tree. she talks to him and hugs his pot all the time. she hopes all who read have a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving holiday, or a very good Thursday wherever you live and however you spend it.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

the great longing

i want to thank everyone who commented and those who emailed their congratulations on my getting the job. it is a good fit for me. toys. children of all ages. belief in the magic of toys. i hope to be good enough, great enough, that i will be invaluable and they will want to keep me after February. and i just need hours so that my paycheck helps me exist.

Thanksgiving is coming. then Christmas. New Years. then my birthday. then the milestone of the 2nd year and the Valentine's Day anniversary of his funeral. it is a 3 month gauntlet that drained me last year. i hope the job keeps my head above water emotionally so that i can tread water through it all.

the Bun goes to work with me. it seems eccentricity is a plus where i work. she rides in a "bear carrier" on my back to be all cute and fuzzy and adorable, attracting people into the store as i walk the Mall to get there. then she is all cute and fuzzy and adorable while i work, enticing people to buy clothes and accessories for their bears and bunnies, wolves and reindeer, monkeys and puppies and kittens.

the one thing i noticed is they do not sell the dragons anymore. you cannot even get them online. i feel so blessed to have gotten one. my daughter and son-in-law saw them and got me one. and you have seen enough of my photos to know he wears his Marine Dress Blues. i had thought about taking him to work but when i saw that they do not sell him anymore, i leave him home.

how awful would it be for a child to see my Dragon and want one.....and then find out he or she could not get one? they would be so sad. a near metaphor for what it is like for me. i saw my Dragon. i had him for just a little while, and then he died. he is gone and i know what he looks like. i know what he sounds like. i know what it feels like to hold him and love him. and now he is gone. i cannot have him anymore.

21 months, 1 week, 5 days, 8 hours and 49 minutes at this moment, and yes, i sometimes count it out. it is a morbid game i play. my wall is getting covered with full moon photographs. i will be adding one more after tonight....when i get over there to get it printed. another moon to the Wall of Moons that Mark His Absence. {i like grand names. it makes it sound less ridiculous, more ceremonial. right? a little bit right? not even? okay, well, remember i said eccentricity is an asset at work. the children seem to like me a lot.}

i have been reading a book titled, "Heaven. The Heart's Deepest Longing." very interesting presentation of why we do not feel comfortable here. it is religious and for that guy last month or so who thought i wrote too much of God. there it is again. God. Heaven. at least i am not advocating dealing with grief by shooting heroin in my eye.

i long for my Dragon. it is not getting any better. it is more familiar, these feelings of anguish and loneliness. i only want him. i see other men out now and there is no warm feeling. there is no, "does my hair look alright?" i do not think of myself as a woman, not like that. no flirty feelings come over me. some are handsome enough but only for artistic value. not personal. there is no longing for companionship. i have Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums for that. i have my daughter and my son. and i have my memories of my Dragon when i wish to dream romantically.

no other arms but his. no other lips but his. no other soul but his. stripped down of any pretense, take away all the thoughts and words and work on grief. i just want him. my great longing is him, and yes, it sounds like i am only marking time here.

right now at 21 months, 1 week, 5 days, 9 hours i am only marking time. i love him so.

Enya does a beautiful song. i moved it up to first on the playlist for this posting.

where are you this moment

only in my dreams

you're missing, but you're always

a heartbeat from me.

i'm lost now without you.

i don't know where you are.

i keep watching,

i keep hoping,

but time keeps us apart.

is there a way i can find you?

is there a sign i should know?

is there a road i could follow,

to bring you back home?

winter lies before me,

now you're so far away

in the darkness of my dreaming

the light of you will stay.

if i could be close beside you,

if i could be where you are,

if i could reach out and touch you,

and bring you back home.

is there a way i can find you?

is there a sing i should know?

is there a road i could follow,

to bring you back home,

to me.......

i think i have arrived at this: this passage by George Eliot:

but she lost energy at last even for her loud-whispered cries and moan: she subsided into helpless sobs, and on the cold floor she sobbed herself to sleep. in the chill hours of the morning twilight, when all was dim around her, she awoke ~ not with any amazed wondering where she was or what had happened, but with the clearest consciousness that she was looking into the eyes of sorrow. she rose, and wrapped warm things around her, and seated herself in a great chair where she had often watched before. she was vigorous enough to have borne that hard night without feeling ill in body, beyond some aching and fatigue; but she had waked to a new condition: she felt as if her soul had been liberated from its terrible conflict; she was no longer wrestling with her grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.

yes, the more i read that, the more it seems to apply now. i cannot cry at work. i only sob quietly at night at times. tonight will be one of those nights. it will be the full moon. i will not put a photo of it here tonight or even tomorrow. you know what it looks like. i will put it in it's place in line in my moon album on my Facebook page. Bunny may or may not do something. it will be as my muse moves me. {i wrote it like that on purpose. i love alliteration.}

"so," she wrote as she mentally hoisted her mug of orange juice. "so, to the great longing i feel for my Dragon, to the full moon, and to me, and also to all who grieve whether it be loudly, or quietly. i wish for an end to the great longing we all feel, and i wish for the end to be the beginning of everything that is good and perfect and light, and loving. i wish for our ends to be with those we love who are waiting for us."

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.