outside

there was a comment left on my last posting, one about finding love.  and she knows there will never be anyone but my Dragon.  no, she wrote to me about finding my love of life again.

i used to love life so much; the moon, the sky, dogs walking along the road or the beach on some private doggy agenda, seeing the gulls fly overhead, standing on a bluff overlooking Gloucester Harbor on a frigid New Year's Day watching a dory sail safely home with a huge Nor'easter on his stern.

i used to love life so much.  there are the wonderful smells of fresh flowers and fresh salt air, and horses, friendly horses who love to have their manes finger-combed and their ears scratched, and kisses put on the velvety end of their noses.

but i need to get outside.  the things that make me happy, that make my soul sing are all outside.  i don't like shopping.  i don't care that much about going to the movies.  dining out is nice but it doesn't make me feel alive.  it doesn't make my heart feel any joy.  walks do.  long walks around places that have spirit, natural beauty; place where others have found some kind of meaning to life.....

there are little public parks and walkways around here but they bustle with runners and joggers and are filled with smoke.  yeah, a lot of the runners and joggers here smoke, or chew and spit.  there's tobacco juice stains all around the paths.  that odor rising in the heat doesn't lend itself to meditation.

but i saw a touch of beauty yesterday morning while making that long drive to work.  it gets a little bit rural and there are stands of trees.  the morning sky had low clouds from heavy rains the night before but they were lifting with the sun.  and i saw fog, or clouds......wisps of white moisture rising to the sky like spirits on their way home.

they glistened and shined and swirled like gentle whirlwinds.  and i swear that one of them, for a moment, looked like a dragon.  the whole scene was ethereally beautiful.  they thinned out as they climbed to the sky and then disappeared into the Heavens.  i was in awe and wished i had had my camera.  but i know i will remember this bit of visual magic and mystery for a long time.

this vision and what someone wrote to me about maybe finding my love of life again has me knowing i need to find the outside again.  i need to find a place where i can be away from people.  i want to walk and be with the things that are free and simple and naturally beautiful.

grief has almost killed me.  his death has left me staggering under the weight of knowing i'll never have him back again.  but nature is still out there.  the outside is still there waiting for me.  i'm going to go outside and find it.

and who knows, maybe i'll feel my Dragon's love better with a freer mind.

alone on my island ~ a poem to comfort me

if i am to be this much alone, let me be alone by the sea

where all the silent nothing i have can be comforting to me

if i am to live a quiet life, let it be on rock and beach

so sun and cloud and wind and stars all seem within my reach.

if my home is surrounded with ocean and sky then i could stand to live alone

so i can feel a part of the earth with sun-warmed skin and hair wind blown.

let me live alone on my island where my home is the only one that stands

on land of rock and scrub and gulls and waves crashing up on the sand.

the lighthouse can be my sole guardian to keep all the bad dreams at bay

it’s light can caress my home at night and brighten the days that turn gray.

my island will stand against the wildest of waves that roar in wild from the sea

the majesty of which inspires awe and belief that my love can return to me.

let my Dragon fly in on the wild night wind and come to my arms like before

and we’ll love as we loved before death took him and left me alone on the shore.

alone in a city is no way to live so let me return to my island small

and there i can live alone where i have all of nature that enthralls.

only on my island can i be free from expectation and strife.

only on my island can i hope to have any kind of a life.