the last snowstorm ~ the first sleet storm

this is the last snowstorm my Dragon and i walked in. the day before he died we took the dogs and walked along the seawall as the storm silently cranked up. it was fun. i love walking with him. he always stopped to check on me. he was so good to me. i always thanked him and he was always amazed that i would. i told him that i never took him for granted and wanted him to know how much i appreciated everything he did. i wanted him to feel loved.

i had a flask in my pocket for her. she'd gotten hypothermia once pretty bad. almost hospital bad, but i got to her in time. her fingers tips were never the same though. her fingertips can get cold when it's 50 degrees outside. i always looked back for her. she'd get distracted by the whole world around her, like every day was a new day and she couldn't get enough of being outside. she'd never been taken care of. my looking out for her, keeping crackers and a flask of hot chocolate for her, i just wanted her to feel loved.

i took so many pictures on this day never knowing he'd be gone within 32 hours. he always stopped to look back at me. when i caught up, he'd ask, "did you take another picture of me? don't you have enough?" he'd smile and wink. i loved taking his picture. i think he's ruggedly handsome.

she took so many pictures of me and i finally got used to it. i don't think she ever knew how much i liked that she took my picture. a woman doesn't take that many pictures if she doesn't love you, think you're okay looking. i see her looking at all of them now. i'm glad she has them.

fast forward to not quite a year and it's the first, not snow, but a highly commendable little sleet storm. i took Bunny out on the balcony but she got cold so i brought her inside. she sat and looked out at the sleet. so did the dogs. they whined. and of all the things that could have reminded me of him today, Scootie went and got his boot out again. every so often he just goes into the closet to get my Dragon's boot. i just let him. who am i to hinder someone's grief. dogs grieve. elephants do, too. i read that if an elephant comes upon the bones of a dead elephant, they bury them under tree branches. and they weep. so Scootie can go into the closet anytime he needs to and get the Dragon's boot.

silly little dog. i'm glad she has them. but Scootie. i think he misses me. she always called him a sensitive little soul, and he is. he watches her as much as i do. he senses when she's low. both of them do. the white stuff out there exacerbated her anguish today. she missed the Wolf Moon. it was sleeting so the heavy clouds covered it up. i watched her. every 30 to 45 minutes until after 3 am she'd get up to run check to see if the clouds had thinned, or parted, for her. they didn't. when she gave up, she cried. it broke my heart. i laid beside her until she fell asleep. my poor Bunny. a little over a week and she's going to be in Hell, and there's nothing i can do to stop it.

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

i'm sorry that i haven't written in a while. it's been since my children were little and writing to you. remember? you'd get three letters from us until they grew up and realized that all they had to do was talk to you, and you'd listen.

well, it's Christmas time. and i've decided that i need to write to you. what i have to say is so important that maybe if you read it, rather than just listen to my mournful voice drone on, you'd realize just how important what i have to say is. i know you already know what i'm going to write but, well, it will make me feel better to send this off to you.

i'd like a glimpse into Heaven. i'd like to know that he's okay.

i got out his old Santa hat that he'd wear all the time, even to the grocery store, and i put it on the military bear that my daughter and i got for me. i didn't buy him clothes because that's expensive but out of deference to my sense of decorum, i did get him the boxers so he's not totally naked; although you know my Dragon. he would not mind being naked. the man had no shame. Lord, he could make me laugh and blush all at the same time.

see? isn't he cute?

but you have to know it's not the same. i know now that asking for him to come back is worse than useless. but i am asking for a miracle. just a little one.

please give me a glimpse into Heaven. just a peek. i want to see what he's up to. does he have a little house by the ocean like we'd always wanted? does he have a tree with lights? he loves Christmas and all the decorations. we walked Rockport all the time looking at the Christmas decorations and talked about how we'd decorate when we got our own home.
he loves old places like me. it was going to be perfect. we love old wood floors that creak and big wood stoves with stew simmering. we held hands when we walked and i had to shake him loose to take pictures. when i was done he'd hold my hand again. he'd say that was how he made sure i wasn't getting too cold. i had that hypothermia event thingy that once and scared the daylights out of him. he panicked when i lay down in the snow to sleep off the cold. it really frightened him. but he saved me. remember? he was so wonderful and heroic and calm. and then he held me and shook off his own fright. "don't leave me," he said.

but then he left me.

oh, i know he didn't want to. the darkness in my mind sometimes gets away from me and i wonder if he was scared, or in pain. did he cry inside as he was dying because he heard me screaming his name? did he feel awful? please tell me it was fast. please tell me he didn't know until he got to Heaven.

please tell me he never knew how awful it was for me. please let me see him. just for a minute. i won't try to talk to him. i just want to be a voyeur into his life now. i want to see that he's at peace. i want to see his smile and hear his voice. i want to see him walk, move. he is so graceful for a man with so many muscles. can i just watch him for a little while?

we love walking in snow. okay. i can't get away with present tense on that one. we loved walking in snow. he'd carry a flask of hot chocolate to keep me warm. everyone thought we were two crazy boozers walking in the storms, but it was just so picturesque. we had to go out. but he kept me safe. he kept me warm. he showed his love for me in so many ways. like with hot chocolate in a flask in his pocket.

why can't i just see if he's okay? does he need anything? if so, maybe i could do a Viking thing and burn what he wanted me to send up to him. crazy sounding, i know. but the closer it gets to Christmas the worse i'm getting.
last Christmas was snowy and wonderful. my son came and we had a quiet, peaceful time together. my daughter couldn't come but we talked on the phone for like an hour. so in a way she was there. but don't try to pass off on me that my Dragon is really here with me now in spirit. i need to see him. i'm having a hard time.

no, i'm suffering.

yesterday was 10 months. exactly. to the day. 10 months without my Dragon. that's a long time. and i've been a good girl. i really have. i haven't spent money on anything but absolute necessities. well, that's a lie. i bought a Christmas ornament. a pirate ship. it's pretty. i hung it from the mantle under my Dragon's urn. i also bought a couple of books, a pair of shoes, and a t-shirt from the Marine catalog, a sniper one, like he is.

i'm assuming he hasn't lost his gift just because he died. he would laugh ruefully and say, "well, they need me again. i guess none of these young guys can hit the water if they fell out of the boat." or he'd say, "it's the math. they can't figure the wind, distance, density of air, crap like that. this country will go down because no one can do math." he'd have me in stitches. and then i'd cry after he left. because i would worry so much. where is he? if something happens, will they bring him back to me? or will they leave him out there? that life is over now. he is retired. he is mine. he was mine.

anyway, the shirt i got says, "USMC Sniper You can run but you'll only die tired." he would have laughed his a** off. seriously. it's a Marine thing and i was with him long enough to get used to the black humor.

such a job they ask of some men. such things he saw that he could never speak of. i'd see that far, distant look come into his eyes. he was remembering, or simply feeling. i would move to stand directly in front of him and caress his face. i'd ask him if he wanted to talk. sometimes he did and, Santa, i never flinched. i know he was waiting for me to but i never did. i just felt overwhelmed with what he'd had to do. but i'd look into his eyes and then i'd kiss him. i always kissed him so he'd see that i was still so honored to be with him. to be his wife.

i was good to him and he was so good to me. please let me be his wife. please? can i just see him again? just a quick look? a glimpse into Heaven. how about on Christmas Eve? you and me. i'll sit very quietly and wait all alone for you to open my eyes inside me. please let me see my sweet, sweet Dragon. i just want to know that he's happy.

i just want to know that he feels good; that he's safe, and is waiting for me.

just a peek. for one minute. i just want to gaze at him one more time so i can go on.

it's the only thing i want for Christmas.

please.