how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

the last snowstorm ~ the first sleet storm

this is the last snowstorm my Dragon and i walked in. the day before he died we took the dogs and walked along the seawall as the storm silently cranked up. it was fun. i love walking with him. he always stopped to check on me. he was so good to me. i always thanked him and he was always amazed that i would. i told him that i never took him for granted and wanted him to know how much i appreciated everything he did. i wanted him to feel loved.

i had a flask in my pocket for her. she'd gotten hypothermia once pretty bad. almost hospital bad, but i got to her in time. her fingers tips were never the same though. her fingertips can get cold when it's 50 degrees outside. i always looked back for her. she'd get distracted by the whole world around her, like every day was a new day and she couldn't get enough of being outside. she'd never been taken care of. my looking out for her, keeping crackers and a flask of hot chocolate for her, i just wanted her to feel loved.

i took so many pictures on this day never knowing he'd be gone within 32 hours. he always stopped to look back at me. when i caught up, he'd ask, "did you take another picture of me? don't you have enough?" he'd smile and wink. i loved taking his picture. i think he's ruggedly handsome.

she took so many pictures of me and i finally got used to it. i don't think she ever knew how much i liked that she took my picture. a woman doesn't take that many pictures if she doesn't love you, think you're okay looking. i see her looking at all of them now. i'm glad she has them.

fast forward to not quite a year and it's the first, not snow, but a highly commendable little sleet storm. i took Bunny out on the balcony but she got cold so i brought her inside. she sat and looked out at the sleet. so did the dogs. they whined. and of all the things that could have reminded me of him today, Scootie went and got his boot out again. every so often he just goes into the closet to get my Dragon's boot. i just let him. who am i to hinder someone's grief. dogs grieve. elephants do, too. i read that if an elephant comes upon the bones of a dead elephant, they bury them under tree branches. and they weep. so Scootie can go into the closet anytime he needs to and get the Dragon's boot.

silly little dog. i'm glad she has them. but Scootie. i think he misses me. she always called him a sensitive little soul, and he is. he watches her as much as i do. he senses when she's low. both of them do. the white stuff out there exacerbated her anguish today. she missed the Wolf Moon. it was sleeting so the heavy clouds covered it up. i watched her. every 30 to 45 minutes until after 3 am she'd get up to run check to see if the clouds had thinned, or parted, for her. they didn't. when she gave up, she cried. it broke my heart. i laid beside her until she fell asleep. my poor Bunny. a little over a week and she's going to be in Hell, and there's nothing i can do to stop it.


Suddenwidow said...

I really like the way you've written in both points of view. It is so sweet and loving. And isn't it amazing how even though they're no longer here physically, we know how they would respond to whatever we think or say. When you've loved someone well, they become part of who you are forever.

When I saw the news this morning, I saw that white stuff may have come your way. I was hoping for a lovely, cozy snowfall for you, to bring you back to that last day with your Dragon and sweet memories. Hopefully the sleet was a little cozy.


Dan, in real time. said...

I think it is wonderful that you hear his voice. Knowing what he would say, and how he would respond to you, it shows how well you studied him. He must have smiled and laughed quite a bit every time he heard the faint sound of a click behind him. "There she goes again." What a loving relationship you had.

I just finished watching Bonneville with my daughter. We both loved the film. You were right, it does have a spirit in the story that is so healing, so peotic. I love how the film portrays her journey. And even if there are those of us who are not able to get in the car and drive away, we can take to heart the message of the film.

I know that these days are getting more and more difficult for you as that day arrives. Know that we are here for you.

Love. Dan

Widow in the Middle said...

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to experience some of the love you and your Dragon shared. True love is really looking out for and nurturing another. It is restoring to know that you shared this together. My thoughts will be around you in the days ahead.

womanNshadows said...

ah, Deb, we'd start the same sentence, look at each other, laugh, and never have to finish it. i know his walk, his posture, his thoughts as he knew mine. i'll never be connected to another person on this earth as i was connected to him. the sleet was fun. the dogs and i went out multiple times today. i did manage to finish the top of your son's quilt. working on the back and will start the embroidery tomorrow.

Dan, i studied him in the beginning to learn how to anticipate his wants and desires. i watched him to take care of him and learn from him a different, stronger, freer way to live. i looked at him constantly because he was adorable, handsome, cute,....... i'm glad you got to see "Bonneville." i love that film and watch it when i need a booster shot of vicarious camaraderie. i love the silhouette of J. Lange up on the ridge in the sunrise (sunset?) as she releases more of her husband's ashes. Monday is the first. the countdown starts ~ t-7 days and counting. i know the 8th and the 9th will be unbearable. i accept that and will meet it sitting down. it's an easier position in which to duck and let the waves wash over me. i'll be able to pick my head back up after they retreat.

WITM, i never take for granted the love we share(d). it's what makes his death so hard to bear. it's what makes grieving him such a privilege.

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