how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

i'm sorry that i haven't written in a while. it's been since my children were little and writing to you. remember? you'd get three letters from us until they grew up and realized that all they had to do was talk to you, and you'd listen.

well, it's Christmas time. and i've decided that i need to write to you. what i have to say is so important that maybe if you read it, rather than just listen to my mournful voice drone on, you'd realize just how important what i have to say is. i know you already know what i'm going to write but, well, it will make me feel better to send this off to you.

i'd like a glimpse into Heaven. i'd like to know that he's okay.

i got out his old Santa hat that he'd wear all the time, even to the grocery store, and i put it on the military bear that my daughter and i got for me. i didn't buy him clothes because that's expensive but out of deference to my sense of decorum, i did get him the boxers so he's not totally naked; although you know my Dragon. he would not mind being naked. the man had no shame. Lord, he could make me laugh and blush all at the same time.

see? isn't he cute?
but you have to know it's not the same. i know now that asking for him to come back is worse than useless. but i am asking for a miracle. just a little one.

please give me a glimpse into Heaven. just a peek. i want to see what he's up to. does he have a little house by the ocean like we'd always wanted? does he have a tree with lights? he loves Christmas and all the decorations. we walked Rockport all the time looking at the Christmas decorations and talked about how we'd decorate when we got our own home.
he loves old places like me. it was going to be perfect. we love old wood floors that creak and big wood stoves with stew simmering. we held hands when we walked and i had to shake him loose to take pictures. when i was done he'd hold my hand again. he'd say that was how he made sure i wasn't getting too cold. i had that hypothermia event thingy that once and scared the daylights out of him. he panicked when i lay down in the snow to sleep off the cold. it really frightened him. but he saved me. remember? he was so wonderful and heroic and calm. and then he held me and shook off his own fright. "don't leave me," he said.

but then he left me.
oh, i know he didn't want to. the darkness in my mind sometimes gets away from me and i wonder if he was scared, or in pain. did he cry inside as he was dying because he heard me screaming his name? did he feel awful? please tell me it was fast. please tell me he didn't know until he got to Heaven.

please tell me he never knew how awful it was for me. please let me see him. just for a minute. i won't try to talk to him. i just want to be a voyeur into his life now. i want to see that he's at peace. i want to see his smile and hear his voice. i want to see him walk, move. he is so graceful for a man with so many muscles. can i just watch him for a little while?

we love walking in snow. okay. i can't get away with present tense on that one. we loved walking in snow. he'd carry a flask of hot chocolate to keep me warm. everyone thought we were two crazy boozers walking in the storms, but it was just so picturesque. we had to go out. but he kept me safe. he kept me warm. he showed his love for me in so many ways. like with hot chocolate in a flask in his pocket.

why can't i just see if he's okay? does he need anything? if so, maybe i could do a Viking thing and burn what he wanted me to send up to him. crazy sounding, i know. but the closer it gets to Christmas the worse i'm getting.
last Christmas was snowy and wonderful. my son came and we had a quiet, peaceful time together. my daughter couldn't come but we talked on the phone for like an hour. so in a way she was there. but don't try to pass off on me that my Dragon is really here with me now in spirit. i need to see him. i'm having a hard time.

no, i'm suffering.

yesterday was 10 months. exactly. to the day. 10 months without my Dragon. that's a long time. and i've been a good girl. i really have. i haven't spent money on anything but absolute necessities. well, that's a lie. i bought a Christmas ornament. a pirate ship. it's pretty. i hung it from the mantle under my Dragon's urn. i also bought a couple of books, a pair of shoes, and a t-shirt from the Marine catalog, a sniper one, like he is.

i'm assuming he hasn't lost his gift just because he died. he would laugh ruefully and say, "well, they need me again. i guess none of these young guys can hit the water if they fell out of the boat." or he'd say, "it's the math. they can't figure the wind, distance, density of air, crap like that. this country will go down because no one can do math." he'd have me in stitches. and then i'd cry after he left. because i would worry so much. where is he? if something happens, will they bring him back to me? or will they leave him out there? that life is over now. he is retired. he is mine. he was mine.

anyway, the shirt i got says, "USMC Sniper You can run but you'll only die tired." he would have laughed his a** off. seriously. it's a Marine thing and i was with him long enough to get used to the black humor.

such a job they ask of some men. such things he saw that he could never speak of. i'd see that far, distant look come into his eyes. he was remembering, or simply feeling. i would move to stand directly in front of him and caress his face. i'd ask him if he wanted to talk. sometimes he did and, Santa, i never flinched. i know he was waiting for me to but i never did. i just felt overwhelmed with what he'd had to do. but i'd look into his eyes and then i'd kiss him. i always kissed him so he'd see that i was still so honored to be with him. to be his wife.

i was good to him and he was so good to me. please let me be his wife. please? can i just see him again? just a quick look? a glimpse into Heaven. how about on Christmas Eve? you and me. i'll sit very quietly and wait all alone for you to open my eyes inside me. please let me see my sweet, sweet Dragon. i just want to know that he's happy.

i just want to know that he feels good; that he's safe, and is waiting for me.

just a peek. for one minute. i just want to gaze at him one more time so i can go on.

it's the only thing i want for Christmas.



judemiller1 said...

If only this would happen.
Wait--Christmas is a time for miracles and magic...maybe you will get to see your Dragon--BELIEVE!

bokallolie said...

He will wait for there, my friend. xoxoxo

womanNshadows said...

jude, i do hope for a miracle. on my knees with my fingers crossed and my hands clasped. i just want a sign.

bokallolie, what a beautiful song. thank you.

Boo said...

oh I cannot reply at length for tears. I have been so sure recently that he is ok, but faith and certainty are two very different things. To see, to know would bring my such peace ... and then I know I could do this. Perhaps this is the test? To test our belief?

I'd rather believe in Santa and have the certainty. And I cannot tell you how many times I have said, "if only I knew you were okay, I could do this. I'd still miss you and cry and grieve, but I could do it."

The fact is we will do it, but fuelled by our faith that they are there waiting for us.

I know they are my friend, and I know you do too. But, if only Santa would listen.

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