how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

i'm disappearing for a while


i think i'll be disappearing for a while. i'm going to duck my head until the wedding is over. i've been sewing and sewing, finished the wedding runner and going to be steam pressing it over the next couple of days. i still have my daughter's going away skirt to finish the hand applique on, and the flowers get delivered to me next Wednesday for me to start making the arrangements.

her father, his wife, and his mother are coming in a week from tomorrow and the demands have already been phoned in to me for how things are going to go. they aren't going to go that way, not the way they want. but i can't confront directly. not these three. i want my daughter's wedding to be peaceful BUT exactly as she wants it. it's HER DAY.

so the chess match has started. they move. i silently counter. it will be interesting. and it will be exhausting.

i'm already tired. i still have a lot of creating to do. as my daughter says, "magic." i don't make magic. i just make things. the runner is pretty. i put hundreds of hours into it in and around all the other things i made for her wedding plus the Memory Quilts i'm working on.

i'm so tired. i've been crying a lot more lately, over simply ridiculous things. my gentle little Scootie Wootums, innocent Scottie extraordinaire leaped almost three feet into the air and snatched a blue and black butterfly out of the air. he didn't eat it but he killed it just the same. and i cried. standing outside on the small hill beside my apartment all alone with my two little dogs, i cried. he didn't know. he was being a little dog. but i cried all the same.

i miss my husband. i miss him. i feel lost and empty. i feel less. i know it goes against the natural order of things but for this one weekend, i want him back. i want him standing with me. i want to be somebody one more time. when he was alive, i was a person. now, i don't know what i am but i know that people do not hesitate to dismiss me, expect the impossible, ignore me, stand me up, tell me i'm creepy, wrong, and have the talent to decimate my feelings. i'm tired and i'm fragile.

i am planning on hiding behind the camera at my daughter's wedding. i'm the official photographer anyway so it's a good excuse. i do not think i will be able to deal with too much more than making sure the swarming vultures do not harm my daughter with either actions or words. she's going to be so happy, so vested in her day that i know she could easily get blind sided. protecting her is all i have the energy for. but who will protect me?

i miss him. three small words that in no way convey the depth of pain behind them. i have an ache inside that feels colder as this wedding approaches. i want to be able to turn and see the love he had for me, the laughter in his eyes when people act silly. i want to know that he has my back.

i don't think i've felt so alone since that first 2 or 3 months. it's coming up on 7 months since he died and i'm not getting any better. i'm existing. i'm working very hard. i laugh sometimes but i don't feel it deeply. i'm not laughing inside. i'm falling into a routine of silence and monotony. i don't look too far into the future, not beyond the next day or so. i worry about food, paying the rent, and weather for walking to the library.

i miss him. i want him back. it's almost been 7 months since he died and i don't see the improvement that the facilitator of the group claims is coming. i'm lonely. for him. i'd like a friend but for some reason people don't take to me. not for long.

he is my friend and i want him back. he means everything to me but he's gone. i still can't believe it sometimes. i still get that punch in the stomach when i fully face the statement, "he died." so i think maybe i should disappear for a while. i think i'm going to duck my head and get my daughter's wedding over with. i'm going to focus on juggling the demands made with the strategy of keeping them from hurting her.

i just really need a dragon for this. i need my Dragon.

i'll be back after the weekend of September 12th.

6 comments:

twinmom said...

It might be good to focus your attention. Your daughter needs you. What a wonderful gift you are giving her by creating all those lovely things for her special day. I can only imagine how beautiful your photographs will be. She is fortunate to be loved so. 7 months is not long, in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps just long enough for the reality to truly sink in, and the understanding of your new life to just get started. Your sadness is palpable, and I so wish I could offer more than these typed words. I will await your return, my friend.

Split-Second Single Father said...

We will miss you while you are on hiatus, but it is understandable that you might wish to do so. You have been through a lot emotionally as of late, and I can see that next Saturday will be rife with it as well. Hang in there, not only for your daughter, but for yourself as well.

With regard to your other recent posts, I could not help but notice that these women who attack you do so readily, but only within the relatively safe confines of e-mail and/or the telephone. They are brazen enough to mistreat you, but not enough so to do it in a bit more public forum such as a comment on this blog, where they might have to suffer some of the negative consequences they have thrust upon you. Shame on them. The only thing worse than kicking a man when he's down, is kicking a widower when she is.

Take care and enjoy the wedding.

Split-Second Single Father said...

Oops! I meant widow.

Suddenwidow said...

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as you focus on getting through your daughter's wedding. Your Dragon will be with you at the wedding but I know that feeling his spirit is not the same as having the man beside you. All of your new friends out here in cyberland will be with you too.

We look forward to hearing about your time away from us. And I would love to see you if you were one day able to take a road trip! You're right, winter does come early but this past week we've been averaging 30 degrees celcius and I could go for some cooler weather!

Take good care of yourself. I hope the wedding has moments of peace and joy for you as your daughter enjoys her day. And I hope the evil trio behave themselves :)

Debbie

judemiller1 said...

It is going to be hard to be at your daughter's wedding...alone. The ex has his wife and you feel like odd woman out--been there.
It is good to hide behind the camera and as for the things you have created for the wedding...they are beautiful and I think...a grand daughter in future years will use them for her wedding day :-)

Widow in the Middle said...

Despite all that you have gone through and are still experiencing, you have still managed to create exquisite works of art for your daughter's special day. Not an insignificant accomplishment! This is a testament to your love and devotion to her. As well as evidence of your strength, resolve, creativity, and kindness. Your Dragon would be so proud of you!

Although weddings are happy occasions, they also come with stress of their own, as you well know. I dearly hope that the worrisome aspects of this day end up being minor. I hope that you can see the wedding through the eyes of your camera and know that your Dragon is also viewing the event along with you. I hope that love and joy find their way to your heart on that day. You have done so much and are deserving of praise. I hope that you will feel peace within as you complete everything and handle the official photographer duties. I hope when the day is over you can breathe a sigh of relief and sleep deservedly soundly!

I will be thinking of you often throughout the week.

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