how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

i'm still here ~ sewing a unique quilt design

the tinnitus is a little better. the dizziness is abating. the pain in my ear is gone, finally. three nights and two days of spinning rooms and short dog walks in a whirling world but i am better. i feel wiped out.

i've been working on one of the quilts i've been commissioned to do. i had the interruption of my daughter's wedding one weekend and then three days of being quite sick immediately after. so with my ear thing i was not going to go lay down again. i need to finish this.

and it's turned into an altogether unique quilt. i finished the top and started piecing the back but i couldn't imagine quilting the front TO the back so i quilted the front on it's own. today i'm finishing the back and will pin it to the batting and a sheet to put in the frame. when it's finished, it will be a double-sided quilt. the top and the back will be dedicated individually to honor her husband's clothes.

i can't explain it. it is just what i felt from knowing her and the feeling i got when i was alone with the basket of clothes talking to him. "what do you want her to have?" it's the only question i ask out loud in my apartment while i work. they are as individual as grief, as the relationship of the two people personally involved with the quilt, and as i am.

hopefully i won't lift my head from the table and be too dizzy anymore. i want this ear thing completely over with. but i think i will nap a little bit today to try and gain a foothold. i'm just down right now. feeling sad and ill and missing my Dragon. wishing my nap was in his arms.

3 comments:

Boo said...

Great to hear your ear is getting better. It is wonderful to see your art in the process of being created ... beautiful, to know the comfort that your work will give ... wow, everything I do will fade - it is only paperwork. Keep well my friend xxx

Suddenwidow said...

Glad to hear that you're starting to feel better! I think recovering from feeling ill takes longer now because along with all the physical issues comes the additional weakness of our hearts being broken. It's harder to recover from physical issues when you're heart's broken and your love isn't there nurturing you.

I agree with Boo, as usual. The legacies your quilts create will last many generations. What a great gift to give to the future - important touchstones of loved ones gone before. I envision my grandchildren wrapped in mine as I tell them stories of the grandfather who loved them and talked about them long before they were ever born. Sigh.....

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Oh friend! I have been avoiding the blog world and computer world for weeks. I am so sorry you have been ill.

I love the idea and just seeing the pictures, I felt comfort. I know that shirt, I know that pocket.

See you soon,

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