how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

interrupting my hiatus to bring you this poem

it's almost here. the wedding that has taken all my time and thoughts these last almost 2 weeks. i've been dreaming of my Dragon and missing him a lot, too much. i feel his absence more as the wedding draws closer. i'm back to not sleeping and i feel tired. so i write on any piece of paper i find by the bed so i don't have to get up.

i wrote this. it's a completely, fall down on my knees, self pity poem where every thought shines the light on how great he is - how great he was - is - was. i have no idea anymore. just because he isn't here doesn't mean he stopped being who he was - is - was. past tense is just so hard to admit to. i'm in sad shape.

when the Dragon smiled
she always returned with one of her own
but always in complete awe of his.

when the Dragon laughed
she delighted in the sound
that he shared only with her.

when the Dragon was deep in thought
she studied his face, his lines, his strength
and hoped his thoughts were of her.

when the Dragon spoke
she listened to his tone, his words,
and she fell in love all over again.

when the Dragon slept
she kept vigil with a quiet hand on his chest
and was calmed by the steady beats and his breath.

when the Dragon loved her
she believed in the forever she found
in his great arms and gentle eyes.

and when the Dragon died
she saw her world torn apart
and her soul left without it's other half.

as time has gone on, without her Dragon
she has been felled with the burden of carrying on
while missing her Dragon, wanting him, loving him.

and now, back to the wedding.

7 comments:

Widow in the Middle said...

In your intro. to the poem, you describe how great your Dragon "is - was." After reading the poem, I see it that the two of you were great together. He was a wonderful man and so good to you, but you also gave him much love and happiness in return.

I found your poem very beautiful and a tribute to the mutual love you shared. I hope you can draw on this love (that is - was) in the days ahead as the wedding gets closer.

twinmom said...

Beautiful, and as everything else you write, makes me able to understand and appreciate the special relationship you had with your Dragon.

Suddenwidow said...

Poignant poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. Thinking of you every day and wishing you peace as you head into the wedding. Would it be ok if I called you on Sunday?

womanNshadows said...

calling me Sunday would be lovely. my son leaves to drive back home around noon so anytime after that would be fine.

Ann said...

Beautiful poem. You have a real gift with words! Keep writing, it will help with the healing.

Best of luck with the Wedding. I'm sure everything will be beautiful and I'm sure your husband will be there.

judemiller1 said...

lovely...beautiful and lovely

Boo said...

Hi, I found your blog on J-in-Wales' and wish I had found you earlier. Your writing is so tender and loved the dragon poem because it really gave me a sense of how much you love your Dragon, and what a large and special character he is (IS). I'm not sure if this is the first wedding you have been to since you lost your love (forgive me, I will read back through your posts over the weekend) but I am sure that you will be alright ... there will be moments when you gulp or may even need to disappear to the toilet. Just remember, be still, breathe breathe and it will pass, I promise (done it twice - weddings I mean) since I lost Cliff 8 months ago. The hardest moment for me personally was when I watched them exchange their vows because you can't help but remember your own, and then you remember your dreams, and the fact that they have been broken. I wish you strength and peace for the wedding.

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