how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

inflatable duck while waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in....

i'm waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in but i think i'm getting immune or i waited until the pain in my knees and my hand was too far along.

i woke the dogs with my picture taking. they were so sound asleep. bless their hearts. i woke them up. i think they're worried about me. my sleep patterns have been disrupted since February 9th, that awful night. i can see a full moon coming on again. it's almost 8 months.

Carmen Sophia was perturbed by the flash.

Scootie Wootums had something to say about it. i stopped bothering them and found this duck. i do wish i had this duck. maybe i could sleep on his back.

he has a nice smile, a calm countenance. i bet he'd listen to my woes and never judge. ah well, maybe the Tylenol PM is finally kicking in. i hope someone liked my puppies and this duck. i hope i can sleep a little tonight.

i hope he comes to me in my dreams. a Dragon with moonlight-colored hair and a soft beard. i would sleep for a long time if only i could feel his arms around me ~~~~~~ just once more.


Boo said...

Loved the pix, and yes I too can imagine sleeping on his back. Right now though I have a vision in my mind of you sleeping on the back of your dragon whilst he sails through the sky, with great wings. I haven't even seen your face before, but somehow I can imagine this. Sometimes I think I am losing it ... but actually it is a nice vision and you are happy and safe xx

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Boo. my face has nothing to recommend it so i keep it "in the shadows" as it were. i love the vision. soaring through the sky holding on to him. i'd never fall again.

Suddenwidow said...

Where did you find the duck? It has made me giggle, which I really need this morning! Thank you!

Hope you got some good sleep last night, filled with dreams of your Dragon.

twinmom said...

I, too, loved the pics. Love that you found a light-hearted moment, however fleeting. Hope that you had the dream you sought, however fleeting. BTW, I love the pic of the two of you kissing.

womanNshadows said...

=o} twinmom, my daughter took that photo. she was in college for photography and she had an assignment called "family album." she asked for a kissing shot. my Dragon was never one for the anemic brush across the lips. full on. tongue. i had never felt so adored. i always felt so loved. this is my favorite photo. btw, of all the kissing shots turned in, ours was the only one of what the teacher called a "real kiss."

Suddenwidow, i'm glad you giggled. Twain said, "in the face of laughter, nothing can stand." i'm hoping even grief will fall to it's knees for a few moments while we share a laugh. my husband were famous for his laugh. i'm trying to be more like him.

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