how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, September 25, 2009

i was ill last night so i need him to come back to me.

i want him back. that's all. that's the only thing that will work.

i took the pictures last night of Mr. Scootie Wootums, Poetry Man and Lord of the Dance and Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl as i lay on the floor. i went there before i fell there. i got to feeling so ill last night and i got scared. i have an inner ear thing that can crop up without warning and make the room spin. i get dizzy and that makes me queazy and i have a hard time moving. but dogs have to be taken out and i have to get to bed somehow. i was terrified at 11:15 PM of going out with two Scotties on a coupler but they were good "kids," even when the three deer meandered past.

i am so tired today. and lost. i feel cut adrift in a world i don't know. so, i want him back.


Suddenwidow said...

Sending you a hug and wishing I was closer so I could help! I know what it's like to feel helpless and needing his big strong arms to hold you and care for you, especially when you're ill. I've had two incidents this week, one in which I ended up in the emergency room and one which had me incapacitated with a migraine. And being ill without him has left me feeling even more vulnerable. Like we haven't got enough to deal with!!! Hope you're feeling better today!

Boo said...

sorry to hear you were both ill, so was I! Must be something attacking all of us ... it does make us feel more alone, miss them more, makes me feel like a helpless child actually, and yes, very vulnerable. The grief becomes even more palpable :-( Sending you love xxx

Widow in the Middle said...

It is a pretty disquieting feeling to be sick and have no one there to care for you. I don't allow myself to get sick for that reason and I've been lucky so far. A few months after my husband died I had a horrendous migraine and no pills. I called the job I was working at and a fellow employee ran to the drugstore for me and then delivered the medicine. It was a horrible helpless situation.

I hope anyone reading your post today has renewed appreciation for the people they are living with and stop taking their lives for granted. Having to deal alone with just one migraine or walking the dogs late at night when feeling ill would probably open a lot of people's eyes out there! Just know that some of us out there do get it and have been there. I wish you relief from the ear trouble (my oldest suffers from ringing in the ear and it is terrible!). Please take care as best you can on your own. I wish I could bring you some chicken soup!

womanNshadows said...

Suddenwidow, thanks for the hug. i think i have a bug that will ultimately pass but it's brought me down. still sewing though. thank the Lord for the horrible films on SyFy Channel. tonight a remake of "Children of the Corn," as if it could get any worse. =o)

Boo, i'm sorry you are sick, too. and yeah, i feel helpless without him. he was big and strong and he would kiss me on the lips even if i had a fever. because he never got sick. and now i've made myself cry. silly me.

Widow in the Middle, girl, i wish you were here to drive over to the store for me right now and get me jello, cool whip and sprinkles. alas, i'll wait for my daughter to get off work and go get it for me. after each one of these little episodes my hearing is just a little less. the doctor told me it will take years but eventually, well, we all go a little deaf when we are older. sigh. my Dragon was learning ASL with me. i've dropped it now but my daughter is trying to coax me back into it if for no other reason than to have the interest in something beyond sewing.

thank you all for talking to me. you are so nice.

Boo said...

hello hon, clucky hen here checking in on you. I hope the ear is clearing up. Ear problems make you feel so so ill. Thinking of you xxx

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