how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

bag for E ~ Voldemort ~ angel wings

i have commission work. a lot right now and i am grateful for it. it will keep me from haunting space out here and justify my existence while he is gone. he gave the world a whole lot more than i ever did or ever will, but he deserves the rest.

E. gave me two t-shirts and wanted bags made from them. here is the first. i matched the color of "life is crap" with floss and embroidered over it for her. it is now a tiny tactile experience, and if she scotch guards the h*ll out of the bag, it should be okay. i cannibalized a pair of jeans for it to make it sturdy and bought some flower ribbon to make the straps pretty. Bunny was happy to pose with it.
for a photo of the other side which was the back of the t-shirt, Bunny jumped in the bag to test its strength. happily, the bag holds Bunny nicely.

Voldemort flies in late tonight for the big hooey talk he wants in the morning. i guess he did not get the visual satisfaction of seeing me act submissive during this latest flurry of phone calls. he wants to "tell you (me) how it's going to be from now on." i have no idea what "it's going to be from now on" means but it is all too familiar terrain. they say you go around to familiar terrain in grief, and i have found that to be true, but an idiot can also make you revisit his favorite areas. it is complicated but i have to go. i have to sit and be talked down to. i have to look down and bob my head like a moron to keep him from sliding off the rails. he'll get all puffed up and preen. he will be happy he has demeaned me and then he will leave. if it doesn't threaten my children or me, i will let it go in one ear and out the other. then i will go inside and get back to work.

i just get tired. i also get keyed up with anxiety until i know for sure what bug has crawled up his butt. maybe i will put a bug on Bunny and send her. she is pretty quiet and i am not allowed to talk during these sessions. he may not know the difference since he gets fairly pompous during one of these meetings. his eyes kind of glaze over with self-importance. i am tired of life and do not feel very strong at all. right now, the power is all on his side. but i hope for a day........

hopefully one day i will be free of him again like i was when my Dragon was alive. i had to talk to him about the children. at that time my daughter was hiding from him so i had to keep jumping up and down like a fool with bells on to distract him from looking too hard for her. but during those years i had my Dragon standing beside me, just a little in front, with his arms crossed over his chest and that look on his face that said, "please do something so i can do something." my Dragon made me feel safe, like i never had been before.

ah, the good old days. well, by noon tomorrow it will all be over and Voldemort will be back on a plane to go home to his big house on the Piscataqua River for his Labor Day weekend extravaganza. i will be grateful he is gone.

but i think, i hope, it will be okay. i may be grabbing at signs but there were these clouds this morning.
i was a nervous wreck after his phone call telling me what to do. afterwards, i had to take the dogs out and there was this huge set of what i thought of as angel wings. maybe. i saw it that way.
anyway, however you see it, angel wings or cirrus clouds, i am trying to find hope that it is all going to be okay some day. one day, i will be free.

i do miss my Dragon though. somedays it gets so very hard and i get so very scared.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You're in my prayers.

Boo said...

I see a dragon snout kissing someone ... IT MUST BE YOU. Funny how we can look at the same clouds/photo and see different things.

I'm so sorry that you have got this looming over you, and will be glad for you when it is over.

to4vida said...

I too am a widow as of January 13,2011. My husband Terry was chased into a coffee shop and shot multiable times, the shooter then took my husbands laptop. Terry was 29, we have a 3 year old daughter Terriana, and a 15 year old son Ivan. I am very touched by your blog, "Suddenly a widow". Stay strong
God Bless

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