how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bunny's quilt

Linus had his security blanket. now Bunny has her quilt. i made one in the first 6 weeks i was here but, to be honest with you, it is not square. maybe because i quite literally do not remember making it. i only remember snatches of my life after he died right up until Thanksgiving.

this quilt has been carefully sketched and planned since then. 10 months i have worked on it, set it aside to work on commissions, and then come back to it. i finally have it finished. my quilt.
i quilted stars to represent Heaven where my Dragon now lives and hearts for mine that i gave to him when he "flew away" that night. it will be 19 months on Thursday. i have my quilt.

here is what i did first. i sat and wrapped it around myself.
then i laid down with it, holding my Cube of Love and my Tribute Tile.
the funny thing is, with the scraps and all his other clothes, i have 4 more quilts sketched. two for my two children. my daughter bought me a t-shirt that says, "blessed are the children of piecemakers for they shall inherit the quilts."

i love my Dragon. i love him so much that it swells inside me like a song; a sad song, but a song nonetheless. he is all i wanted in this life. he is all i will ever want. at this point in my life, he really is, and i sincerely believe, he is all i will ever want. i miss him so much.

i am in mourning. i am grieving for my Dragon. i finally have my quilt; my quilt that shows through art, my grief.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady,

I'm glad you got your quilt finished. It really is very beautiful. I know how much it means to you so I'm glad you have it. As always your pictures are endearing. Remember, I'm here for you.

Brick

Dan, in real time. said...

It turned out so lovely. How wonderful that you can create something that will provide you with so much love and comfort. At times you may want to use it as an invisibility cloak, just like Harry Potter, so that you can just get lost in all those wonderful memories of his love.

I see you wrapped in it, and I can sense his presence in each piece of fabric, and in each stitch. You have connected the fragments of these who this man was, and interwoven who he was for you, and you to him.

Labor of love. Labor of love.

J-in-Wales said...

Beautiful, so beautiful. I can see the love woven in the very fabric and hope you gain some peace from wrapping yourself in it.

Jxx

Suddenwidow said...

Your quilt is beautiful. I pray you find solace when wrapped in it.

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