how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

full moon & moon bunny ~ photos ~ small steps

it is another full moon. counting the full moon photograph i took the night he died, when i had the luxury of him standing right behind me, i have 20 full moons in frames on my wall. last night/tonight makes 21. he has been gone from me for 19 months and two weeks tonight.

the moon makes me pensive. it is my time for, almost like communion. i take photos but i also just stand and stare at the moon. it is so beautiful. it is so necessary to life here, tides and weather and stuff. i fell in love with the moon when i was a teenager. i have pictures of the moon dating back that far. but the only ones that matter are these most recent 20, make taht 21.

there is a young mother with two small children who watch me take photographs of the moon. they have also seen me talking to the rabbits that live in my area and they also have seen me with Beach Bunny, taking her photo outside. their mother came outside with them tonight to see Jupiter and the full moon. the children looked through my camera lens and saw the moon closer than their little eyes can see the detail. they called me Luna Bunny. Moon Bunny. their mother said that when i am outside, even when i walk the dogs in the evenings, they can see bunnies all over the grass. they see bunnies hop out from the trees. i don't know if that is a sign of anything other than i do not scare bunnies.

i sold some of my photographs. i am happy about that for two reasons. one, i need the money. two, my Dragon always, always loved my pictures. i would take pictures and he would stand and wonder what i was looking at. when we got home he would hurry me along to upload from the camera to the computer. then we'd sit and look at what i shot. he always liked my photographs. he always watched my back to make sure i did not step in it, or on it, or in front of its path....whatever trouble i could possible get into when i would go into my spaced out world of looking through the camera lens, he was there. he was there on 8 February 2009 with his hand on my shoulder steadying me in a brisk, icy wind off the ocean at 8 PM, just 4 hours and 3 minutes before he died. not that i'm still counting or anything.

but he would be proud that i am selling some photos. if i could hear him, he would probably be saying, "i knew it all along, love."
in going through my CD's of burned photos, 1000's and 1000's of pictures, i am finding ones where i turned and took his photo. more photos of my Dragon!! this is not work people! this is a treasure hunt! "go through all these CD's to find a dragon." cemeteries {we are big taphophiles}, old houses, hiking out to remote places, gardens, in town, i took pictures of everything. and i always took pictures of him. so it has been nice finding more pictures of him.

the one above was taken in a place called Blood Cemetery ~ aka Pine Hill Cemetery. it was Halloween 2003 and he is carrying my tripod. he is my camera bitch. i miss my old life.

the small steps from the title is what i took a break from sewing to do today. i cleaned out my closet and my chest of drawers. i took out all the shirts and pants he is never going to wear again, and that i will never put on. i took out all his underwear, too. there are only two pairs of his socks left since i made sock animals from all the others. i put all his clothes in a plastic trash bag and set it aside. i have plans for another quilt. i cannot donate them, i just can't. i plan on making quilts. one, two. i don't know what i'll get from it all, but it is not in my closet anymore. that is sort of a step. i do not have a lot of clothes myself, but if i ever get my stuff out of storage in New England, i will have the room now. i still have two of his sweatshirts, one t-shirt that i sleep in, two of his Marine shirts and his PT shorts from when he taught hand-to-hand that will always stay with my clothes. they are just too cool to not keep.

now that i am looking this over, it does not look as impressive as i thought it would look. i took his clothes out of the closet and put them in a trash bag for me to make another quilt or two. whooptie do. maybe i should have typed "teeny tiny steps" in the title.

peace to all from Moon Bunny.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you had company tonight while taking pictures .. you are making more progress than you realize .. give yourself some credit .. you are doing awesome !!

Anonymous said...

My Dear womanNshadows,

I can't look at the moon, whatever its phase, and not think of you. I like Luna Bunny. Lune Lapin here where I am. I love your pictures and you should check your email for my order. An expat with pictures from back home isn't so unusual. I like our new phone schedule for our talks and in spite of what you think, your voice sounds stronger and you laugh quicker at my stupid jokes. You wish peace for everyone. I very much wish it for you.

Until later, Lune Lapin, peace,
~ Brick

Suddenwidow said...

There is a beautiful harvest moon peeking through the trees here right now. I wish I had a good camera that was capable of capturing the image for you. But know that every time I see the beautiful moon I send a prayer your way.

I sense strength in your words. Your small steps are indeed steps. They're difficult steps and you've taken them. I hope they help you find some peace. You deserve that, and so much more. Love and hugs to you.

womanNshadows said...

hi, Anonymous. the little children were very well behaved and very excited. it reminded me of when i used to be a teacher. thank you for your encouragement.

Brick, the French reads more like Loonie Lapin. "hooked on phonics" and all that. thanks for order though i cannot imagine what where you intend to hang all those pictures. but thanks. and i like the new phone schedule. instead of being caught off guard, i can anticipate the ring of the phone and not freak out by the sound. talk to you later.

Suddenwidow, thank you. and i am trying to grow into this life without him. that's all i have. i am trying. enjoy the moon and Jupiter. it will not be this bright for another 12 years.

peace to all.

megan said...

i don't know if that is a sign of anything other than i do not scare bunnies.
That made me laugh. :)

When I got to the photo of Dragon, I actually instantly smelled fall leaves, the way the air smells outside in exactly those kinds of places - the windows are closed here, so that was a nice feat.

And - closet cleaning is a huge step. In Before life, yes, cleaning closets would just be a good accomplishment on a to-do list. In this life, cleaning out a closest is so much more than the physical actions.

womanNshadows said...

megan, i did more cleaning this morning. i feel numb tonight but there was no point in hanging on to the things i threw away. papers, simple lists, but they all had his beautiful handwriting on them. some old pill bottles that had his name of them ~ gone. i am just sitting here tonight knowing my closet is cleaned out and some drawers are neat and tidy, but i still feel a little numb. maybe tomorrow will be brighter. well, it has to be. tomorrow the sun will be back. peace to you.

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