how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Waffle House ~ the lecture ~ i am back

i am back. he is finished with me for this go round. this, in list form for brevity, is what i got out of it.

1. my stipend check for rent.
2. he drove me to the bank to deposit it so i can pay rent on time.
3. breakfast at Waffle House.
4. i am a loser for leaving him when he kept all the money.
5. his wife is spending his money like i never did. he doesn't like it but she intimidates him. she reminds him of his mother. (i know only i understand this one so only get to laugh at the karma of it. just know that i got to laugh after he left.)
6. why don't the kids love him when he has all the money. i have nothing. he has it all. why do they call me all the time? why are they defensive, or in his case, offensive, of me all the time?

and lastly,

7. i got my exercise because he refused to drive me back from the Waffle House, but in spite of my foot, (i wore my Dr. Scholl's sneakers), it was a hot walk in the fresh air. the sun beat down on my skin and i was warm all the way down into my joints. i took long deep breaths and repeated my mantras. "he's gone for now." "i can pay my rent." "Dragon loved me." "i once had a great love for a little while." "i'm gonna be okay."

there are days when i miss my Dragon so much that the pain screws up my breathing rhythm. i huff for air. then there are days when i can go outside and the clouds and the breeze are perfect. i see bunnies and deer; all very Snow White-ish out there, and i think, maybe i can make it. today was a heterogeneous mixture of those two kinds of days. truth through chemistry. while i waited for Voldemort to pick me up and while i had to sit and be spoken to like that, i controlled my panic. i won. he lost. he never knows how scared i get to face him. when i saw that it was a "run wNs down" session with no real threat to my children or me, all i had to do was shut down and take it. it is hard to keep my mouth shut when i want to tell anyone who will listen all his dirty secrets but that will bite me in the back end so i bite my tongue. maybe if i ever get free i'll write about it, but i think there is already a book called, "The Banality of Evil."

at first, when he drove away and refused to drive me back to the apartment, i felt overwhelmed with the walk. but i drew on what my Dragon had lived through. he had been all over the world, in places only a handful of people knew where he was. in the dark. in the jungle. in the desert. alone. with a spotter. with a team. falling out of the sky. being dropped off by a sub and swimming in. he had done so much scary stuff. all i was doing was walking back. one foot in front of the other all in an area i know well. so first i went back inside Waffle House for a free refill on my sweet tea. the waitress was nice and gave me extra ice for my walk and called my ex a dick. i said, "he'll be one when he grows up." we laughed. dark humor from people who know what goes on behind closed doors. people look at people like me, and the waitress, and think, there but for the grace of God. but, fact. no matter how much money someone has, how successful they seem, it won't prevent bad things from happening behind closed doors.

when i started walking, i paid attention to the sky. i pretended my Dragon was walking behind me. i told myself i will have a story to tell him when i get back. i planned how i was going to spend my time for the rest of the day. i was limping pretty badly by the time i walked down the driveway into the complex. one of the maintenance guys saw me and gave me a lift to my apartment in the golf carts they drive around the place. the respite was nice. those things can really fly and the speed bumps are a vertical trip all by themselves. he talked about my dogs and how much he likes them. he is a nice man who came and took apart my bathroom sink drain when i dropped my little silver elephant charm from my earring down the sink. i got it when my daughter was in 8th grade; to show her and the world that i never forget. momma elephants are pretty tough. it was a rough time for her. she still likes it that i wear it.

i am home. i got all the venom out, i think. i've expended the adrenalin that builds up when i have to deal with him. i certainly walked it off. and now, by writing, i have gotten it out of my mind. sort of. almost. not really, but i have tattled on him a little bit.

now i am going to get my Cube of Love and my Tribute Tile set up beside where i am going to get back to work. i wish you all peace.


Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you all day, sending thoughts of peace and strength. I am happy it worked out better than anticipated and that you can rest tonight! Hugs from Sandy in Ct.

Boo said...


My adrenalin was running reading through your entire post. Your dragon and his love has left you with strength, has he/it not?

Proud of you, my friend.

And relieved to read it.

Huge hugs

womanNshadows said...

Sandy in Ct, thank you for the thoughts of peace and strength. so it was you that helped me not sit down on the curb and cry. =0] and i did sleep. i actually took a nap after i got back yesterday. and i slept last night. thank you for thinking of me and writing to me.

hi, Boo. i have just been so tired of Voldemort lately. i feel edgy and sarcastic. i do not have the wherewithal to really cut loose and pull aside the curtain that hides the all powerful Oz but oh i want to. {remember how small a man the Wizard of Oz was? only if i remember correctly he turned out to be a sweet little old man. ah, the joy of fiction.} i am watering and nurturing my scales. they are coming in slowly, but they are growing. it is just that my Dragon's voice and his touch, his smile and his love felt so good. i was so alive with him. if only you could have known me then. ah, these things take time.

peace and love to you both. =0}

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