i talk to him. i kiss his picture each night before i lay in the dark with eyes wide open.
C.S. Lewis wrote, "We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn.' " the rest of that is, "for they shall be comforted." i do not know when i will ever feel comforted. i simply do not know. i relate much better to this that he wrote, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
i get down and i try to work it off. i try to play music so that their "charms can soothe my savage breast." but all my very human doubts and fears snicker at me. they outright laugh. they rise like smoke and i take it all in with every breath. i have seen the ads for that new movie, "Hereafter." my daughter is putting her foot down and forbidding me to see it. and she is right to do so. it messes me up, just the trailer. i so want to know that i will get to be with him in joy and light. what i am so afraid of is that my life is reflective of the punishment that awaits me. i am afraid my forever will be spent working rather than being at peace with him, holding hands with him, just getting to be with him again.
i have this lonely vision of my hereafter and i do not get to be with my Dragon. i am in the middle of a wasteland where all the color is washed away into monochromatic hues of grey. i am seated at a frame only its a loom rather than a quilt frame and i am weaving the cloth of my life to show God, to try and persuade Him that there was something there of value. but as i weave i cry because i cannot find anything worth showing Him. i keep working and searching through the remnants of my life to see if there is one thing i can show God to say, "here. see this? is this enough so that i may ask to be with my Dragon?" and all God can do is sadly turn away from me shaking his weary head at another of His children who failed. all i can hear Him say is, "not enough color. you just didn't use enough color."
"Blessed are those who mourn....." i mourn. tonight, especially so.