how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, October 4, 2010

blessed are those who mourn

i have insomnia again. for about 3 or 4 months there i was doing okay. but i am back to not falling asleep again. i am not staying asleep. i am tired. i long for him. i wish he had not had to go.

i talk to him. i kiss his picture each night before i lay in the dark with eyes wide open.
C.S. Lewis wrote, "We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn.' " the rest of that is, "for they shall be comforted." i do not know when i will ever feel comforted. i simply do not know. i relate much better to this that he wrote, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
i get down and i try to work it off. i try to play music so that their "charms can soothe my savage breast." but all my very human doubts and fears snicker at me. they outright laugh. they rise like smoke and i take it all in with every breath. i have seen the ads for that new movie, "Hereafter." my daughter is putting her foot down and forbidding me to see it. and she is right to do so. it messes me up, just the trailer. i so want to know that i will get to be with him in joy and light. what i am so afraid of is that my life is reflective of the punishment that awaits me. i am afraid my forever will be spent working rather than being at peace with him, holding hands with him, just getting to be with him again.

i have this lonely vision of my hereafter and i do not get to be with my Dragon. i am in the middle of a wasteland where all the color is washed away into monochromatic hues of grey. i am seated at a frame only its a loom rather than a quilt frame and i am weaving the cloth of my life to show God, to try and persuade Him that there was something there of value. but as i weave i cry because i cannot find anything worth showing Him. i keep working and searching through the remnants of my life to see if there is one thing i can show God to say, "here. see this? is this enough so that i may ask to be with my Dragon?" and all God can do is sadly turn away from me shaking his weary head at another of His children who failed. all i can hear Him say is, "not enough color. you just didn't use enough color."

"Blessed are those who mourn....." i mourn. tonight, especially so.


judemiller1 said...

God would never turn His back on you because He would look at the tapestry of your life and know you had done the very best you could with what you had. Besides that, Dragon is there telling everyone what a wonderful person you are/were and you know--his words carry a lot of weight.

Suddenwidow said...

You will be with your Dragon again. I believe that with all my heart.

Praying you get some sleep and peace tonight.

Kim said...

oh my friend, the love you have for your dragon alone would be enough color to paint the universe. you will be with him sweet day.

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