how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Bunny's Incredible, Awesome, Almost Fantastic Big Day

oh my gosh, Bunny had the most awesome day!

Bunny works all the time. she really does. she sews and embroiders and sews some more. she has not had a day off, like a real day off, like a day that she did not work, since July 4th when her son, PBofH {Precious Bundle of Happiness}, had driven up to spend the holiday making the whole family {almost} together once more.

this morning, Bunny's daughter, PBof J, {Precious Bunny of Joy}, kidnapped her, literally kidnapped her out of her apartment to go get things! there was a knock on the door and there she was! PBofJ and she swooped in and made Bunny get dressed and grabbed her purse and camera and made her get in the car. we shopped! we shopped!

Bunny had gotten a check and she desperately need a couple of things. but one thing Bunny desperately needed was a pumpkin for those awesome roasted pumpkin seeds like she had made in Days of Yore.

PBofJ took Bunny to the pumpkin patch. not really a patch. it is really an area of grass between the parking lot of a shopping center and the gonzo, huge, major throughfare, asphalt artery for traffic that gouges through the city. but there were pumpkins and mums set up and Bunny pretended she was at the farm stand out on Cape Ann that she and her Dragon always, always walked to.
so many pumpkins. so many choices. such a beautiful day to lounge among the gourds.
Bunny finally picked a very pretty one. she held it and shook it and talked to it. yes, it was the perfect pumpkin for her. {pssst. it matches her eyes.}
with that accomplished, it was time to play "Find Bunny" among the mums.

then it was off to go shopping for the things Bunny needed. Target was having a sale and that's where PBofJ took Beach Bunny. they even used a shopping cart to push along in front of them. they bought toilet paper and a new set of sheets for Bunny's bed and a shower curtain.
Bunny picked out one that would serve two purposes. one is to keep the water off the floor and two, to further Bunny's education with regards to geography. Bunny loves maps and, well, who can go wrong with a map of the world? not Bunny. shower, get clean, keep the water off the floor, and get smarter. it is win-win.

and there was a Halloweenie sale. Bunny loves sales. and it has been a long, long time since Bunny bought herself something she does NOT need. she bought herself jack o'lantern slipper socks to keep her little feet warm AND she spent $4.99 {a cheap way of saying $5} for a Wallace and Gromit studio DVD that has 6 stories in it featuring her favorite movie start, Shaun the Sheep! that's right. that adorable fluffy actor who won the hearts of millions in the Wallace and Gromit films. this is a downright scary collection of stories featuring Shaun called, "Little Sheep of Horrors."
so Bunny is going to do some embroidery to make the day not a total waste and to prove her value to the world at large, and then she is going to roast some pumpkins seeds, take her new Advil, wrap her hands in hot socks she has microwaved, and then put on Shaun the Sheep.

whooo hoooo. Bunny really knows how to have a good time. it is those wild Bunny's you had to watch out for.

Bunny had such a great day with her daughter, her vibrant and lovely PBof J. and yes, all through the day Bunny thought of her handsome, lovely Dragon. but she did not cry. her smile may have been wistful and wishful for him to have gotten to be with her, but she had a good time today.

sometimes a Bunny just needs the chance to leave the apartment and be outside, to get to talk face-to-face with someone to feel like maybe she will survive this. sometimes all a Bunny needs is to breathe some fresh fall air and pick out a pumpkin.


megan said...

woohoo! Any bright spots = totally good day. And, awesome shower curtain.

judemiller1 said...

WOW--Bunny DID have a day. I am so glad--Bunny looks happier then I have seen her in awhile.

judemiller1 said...

I've never seen a blue pumpkin!

Anonymous said...

Awesome day for all of you !! So happy to see .. makes my heart smile .. Hopefully, Bunny will sleep well tonight ..


Dan, in real time. said...

Sounds like a party to me.

What a wonderful blessing your children continue to be for you. And lets not forget to appreciate what a wonderful blessing your willingness to accept joy can also be. I too find days, or moments, that I just allow myself to live, to fly, and to experience joy. It is a wonderful feeling. Then you end such a day by gathering up all you little treasures, surround yourself with the magic each small item can possess, and find some peace.

Love to you.


womanNshadows said...

thank you all, friends. the day reminded me of my long days outside with my Dragon. he was so present in my mind it was as if he were there with us. and my Shaun the Sheep DVD was a riot last night. love love love that sheep. such a deadpan delivery of his acting skills.

and C, i did sleep last night. =0) it got down into the 40's and with the window open and dogs warm little bodies so close, the whole pack slept very well. refreshed i am back to work.

Boo said...

what a lovely lovely day. Thanks for sharing. I love your shower curtain :-) S - it lifts my heart to read that you had a good day.

It proves that you can have others.

HOPE. Without hope, we have nothing.

Love and hugs
Boo xxx

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