how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

october full moon ~ Memorialist and Seeker

full moon. the attraction is still as strong as it was during the first full moon after he died.
Thelma drew my name out of the hat. i won the book, "The Five Ways We Grieve." i have discovered i am a Memorialist, not on as grand a scale as Shah Jahan who built the Taj Mahal to his beloved wife, but i keep watch over and take my photographs of the full moon. i have my shrines.

i think i am also a Seeker. i am exploring the questions of my place in the universe, in this universe that does not have my Dragon in it.

i woke up at 3:30 AM screaming, sucking in air to sob so hard, clawing at my throat and chest, struggling to breathe from a nightmare i suffered through. it was horrible and i was sitting up and still could not breathe. i fell back and broke in two.

i died and i could not find him. i called and called through a darkness i could not understand. it was so dark in my room and it furthered the panic that was beating up my mind, attacking my ability to reason. where was he? where was i? was that brush, those few years i had with him all i would ever have to keep me warm, to give me a feeling of security, to allow me the privilege of feeling love? am i the little match girl who lit all the matches at once to desperately see the vision of joy and love and family, then, in despair, watch the light die and the vision of what once was, of what could have been, be extinguished....

...as it always must?
it is another full moon and me, Bun, womanNshadows, identifies with two other labels. Bunny is a Memorialist and a Seeker.

as a Memorialist, she saves all the stories. she turns them into embroidery and memory quilts. she builds shrines to her Dragon and keeps his love and laughter alive in her mind to comfort her during her long days and long, long nights. as a Seeker, she is trying to find answers to where he is, where she will end up, prays that they will be together again, and wonders why it must be so. she meditates and communes with a silvery, cold, silent orb that crosses the sky tonight, as it did on that frigid night in February 20 months ago. it lit my Dragon's way that night. maybe it will light my way.

if i go first, the Seeker that i am will take everything in. finally i will understand why life had to be so hard. the Memorialist that i am will write it all down, memorialize it, and try to leave you a sign.

peace to any and all who read this.

5 comments:

megan said...

I feel that same way - if I go first (or second, or next) I will, if I can, try to get some messages through.
Beautiful moon tonight.

womanNshadows said...

hi, megan. thank you for stopping by.

thelmaz said...

I am glad you found yourself in the book...and Bunny did, too. I sent an email to the author. I hope she'll come by and see your lovely website.

womanNshadows said...

hi, Thelma, i love the book. very well researched and with profound concepts. i hope the author does drop by. i would be honored.

peace to you.

judemiller1 said...

This is one of my favorite pictures of Dragon--drawing that heart in the sand--he loved you so. I am glad the book is giving you some thoughts and hopefully peace along with it.

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