how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, October 11, 2010

down Bunny down ~ the therapist

Bunny is very down. this past weekend
and ALL this week she has suffered so. oh, God, is it really only Monday?
i had a wonderful telephone call from S. thank you. you read between the lines. i needed to talk. the Bun needed a voice from outside her head to say, "i see you out there. you're gonna be fine." thank you, sister.

i connected with a free grief therapist. yep, the Bun found someone who would talk to her for free through a hospice connection. Bunny sat there and unloaded all her hurts and fears, her doubts and her worries. she talked about missing the ocean and about Dragons and Bunnies and feeling lost. the therapist had Bunny get online and show her Bunny's FB page and this blog. Bunny told some dark, dark, hideously dark secrets and she tattled on other widows who have made her feel like....

CRAP

and it felt so good to let someone with a face know how she felt. the woman listened and jotted things down. {love the word "jotted"} but then she quit jotting and just listened. she told Bunny/me in the end that i was fine. she said i was healthy and doing very well for being so alone. then she emailed me this. elaborated her jotted notes i guess.

"I've been thinking some more. You're actually doing incredibly well. You can keep coming if you want, but you're healthy. You are handling your grief and your isolation in such a way that it is amazingly healthy. I don't recommend being alone the rest of your life and I hope someday you can get a car and go out some, but you are handling this really bad situation very well. You're doing great, in fact, for all the stuff you've been through. You were beaten down for years and years, abused, but then you found this very great love and was forced to suffer the loss of him. And for you, this was a deep, deep loss. Your story is really, well, it's a love story. I've read your blog and looked over your Facebook pages. I can feel the magic you and your husband shared. And your creativity is an enormous outlet for you. It also makes you suffer more than some because you are so very sensitive. You think very deeply, philosophically. I want you to allow yourself to continue to create. Use Bunny like you are. I see that it is a good thing for you. I see the person, the whimsy and sense of humor that you really have tucked deep down, being able to come out through Bunny. People are responding so positively to Bunny which should make you feel good because it really is you they are responding to. You have such a kind and empathetic soul. You have such creativity in you. You really are an artist. And, {insert Bunny's name here}, your husband was right. You really are an incredible person deep inside. You need to allow her to come out."

as if i could stop creating. i will stop creating when my poly-stuffed, bunny mind shuts down and that will happen when my heart up in Heaven in my Dragon's keeping stops beating, letting him know it is time for him to come get me. can you just grab that image? my beating heart sitting in a bowl or on a paper towel on the table beside where my Dragon sits in the evening in Heaven. or he has it stuffed in the pocket of his jeans like his car keys.

thud. thud. thud. "Dragon, what's that sound?"
"my wife's heart."
"why in Heaven's name do you have it?"
"she gave it to me. it's like an alarm clock in reverse. when it stops, i can go met up with her."
"how ingenious. love it. good work, you two. well, have a peaceful wait for her."
"thank you. i'm just going to sit here by the ocean. she'll be ready at some point and if i wait here, i'll be close by."

so Bunny is fine. i know. SHOCKER. or plot twist. even though she's got this black tread mark on her bunny body where life has run over her, she is fine. she feels down, but down is normal. down is fine. she feels sad, but she suffered a great loss. the Bun is being creative and that is a big check mark on the good side of grief.

at least she has her new camera and it feels so at home in her fuzzy little paw; her limp, tired, wet-from-wiping-her-teary-little-button-eyes paw.

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

7 comments:

judemiller1 said...

Glad you got a professional's opinion because it reinforces what all your friends know about you. YOU ARE FANTABULOUS!! and Bunny ain't so bad either!!!

Suddenwidow said...

I'm so glad you got to talk to a grief counsellor and I'm not surprised by her conclusions at all. I hope this gives you some peace. And I sincerely hope you find at least one new person nearby who you are able to spend time with. You are always in my prayers.

Your art, in all its forms, is beautiful and your talent is inspiring. And I'm so happy that you got a new camera. Looking forward to this month's moon shots.

Dan, in real time. said...

I agree with Jude. In spite of the day to day emotions that we can all get caught up in, you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Sometimes we need others to see that in us, and to give us that reassurance that we are moving about in the right direction.

Will you be returning for more sessions? I really got a lot out of therapy, as I really needed help to sort out so much stuff.

Sending you lots of love.

Dan

womanNshadows said...

Judy, one who is always out there for me, sending me kind words.

Suddenwidow, thank you for stopping by. it was nice to look someone in the face and tell some of what i have carried for so long. and i am very happy with my new camera, too. counting the days until the full moon.

Dan, actually returning for face-to-face will be problematic with a time for me and a ride so we have an iChat scheduled. got to love the Mac for that. she did not want to cut me off as right now all i have is my daughter as a physical presence. she knows i get lonely for an animated voice. we'll see how it goes.

i wish you all peace and light.

Boo said...

How wonderful. To have some time with her and for her to take the time to write you such a lovely and personal note, and to read your blog and FB ... wow.

A little pep in your step, I think

xx

Anonymous said...

So happy you were able to talk to someone. I found some very unprofessional advice in a book I was reading. The characters were at a motivational, self help lecture and the speaker had them all write a "Murder List". If they thought their life would be better without someone in it, they put it on their list. "Getting rid of the poison" is what they called it. I applied this to my own life to some degree. I took people off my "Friend" list and even blocked some of those that were especially cruel and nasty. I also took off some people that I thought would be used by these cruel people to continue their emotional torture. I feel so much better not having to worry about those people any more. True friends that I had to remove, understand. I know you have had some problems with the ugly side of human nature and wanted to share this idea with you. Facebook and the internet are wonderful things when used appropriately, but being cyberbullied isn't only happening to kids. Take care and I hope you are doing well.

womanNshadows said...

Boo, thank you.

Anonymous, i have cut some people from Facebook. there was one person, however, who, when she found i was gone, raked me over the coals. her flood of emails was more than i could take. i put her back on but have blocked seeing her news feed. other than her, though, i have cut down on anything online but allowing the creative side to go up. thank you for your thoughts and ideas. i very much appreciate it.

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