how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, October 29, 2010

happy Halloween & the VA update

first off, i hope you enjoy the song i added for Halloween.

and now for the blog.

i do not believe in cliffhangers for the sake of having a cliffhanger so i will get right to it.

i called the VA again. i have been almost hyperventilating with panic. my claim for my Dragon's death pension has been approved. the letter is in the mail. i will not know how much i will get each month but it will be something. i know it will not be enough to pay my rent and electric and cable. i have to accept that fate. it panics me, but there it is.

when he told me, i thanked him. i think it was my voice. i was not ebullient. in fact i was shuddering on sobs. the man asked me if i was all right. i said, "yeah. i guess so. we'll see." he asked if i was in trouble. i said, "financially? definitely. emotionally? always will be. my husband is dead."

then he said, "i know, ma'am. i am so very sorry. and i'm sorry it took so long. i wish i could tell you what the letter states but i can't over the phone. but it's coming and you've been approved. it isn't enough for what he went through. he earned a hellava lot more, but it's all we can give you. i am a Force Recon Marine from the 'Nam era. i know what he went through. call us if you have any questions."

we disengaged the conversation and i just sat there. the letter is coming. i have been approved. and yet i am still frightened. i do not know how much it will be but, hey, it will be better than what i have coming in right now. i can only hope i can make it all work.

on Wednesday, Nov 3rd, i have a job interview at ...... wait for it ....... cliffhanger ..... Build-A-Bear. it is a group job interview and i still may wash out but, i got called to come in. my meager resume that reflects teaching pre-school and teaching art to K through 6th grade about 100 years ago, and then being an artist all my life seemed to not throw them off yet. so pray for me if you believe. i see that many do not {pray/believe multiple choice} anymore and i apologize for asking for prayers so intensely when i was falling apart a bit ago. it was not my intent to upset anyone or proselytize anyone into Christianity or the Roman Catholic Church. although, do i get points for Heaven if i do? sorry. i had to do that. a little joke between me and someone who "May Stop Reading Your Blog!"

i got a random email after my panicked posting of before telling me this person was going to stop reading my blog if i did not stop shoving God down everyone's throat. i did not write back, but i thought, how will your stopping reading hurt me when i did not know you read in the first place? and how is your stopping reading going to hurt me at all? "ooooo. i going to stop reading your blog." okay. so stop.

so for those who do not pray, i guess, and only if you choose to, cross your fingers for me shortly after lunch time that day. that's when the interview starts. unless crossing your fingers is somehow against some deity or ideal you cleave to. {i just wanted to see how far i could push it. i will be waiting to see if i get another email from this person, and btw, "God."}

in the meantime, the Bun has been busy. her fuzzy hands are flying all over the place on different commissions.

and the Bun is very, very excited. she goes on the Soul Widows retreat next weekend ~ the 5th - 7th. here is another link to Elizabeth's site specifically for this retreat. you can see what Bunny will be doing that weekend and at what time. sort of voyeuristically stalking the Bun.

i write for an online resource magazine and i will be posting there about the retreat. not while i am there. Bunny cannot afford that kind of technology. i will write about it when i get back, and here as well.

in the meantime, while waiting on the VA letter {whew i think/i hope/at least it is something} and waiting on the job interview, and to go to the spiritual retreat, the Bun, me, i am filling my hours embroidering, sewing, quilting, doing what i hope is a lasting legacy. and if i am only known as "CR 'heart' SR" then i will be known as "Dragon loves Bunny" and that is pretty cool.

happy Halloween everyone. i wish for you all no tricks, just treats. and hope. lots and lots of peace and hope.


megan said...

how much energy it took for someone to experience their tizzy, find your email, compose a pissy note, hit send, and then probably fume about it for a few hours. Ah, the poor sods.

And yay for the VA. It is a booby prize, to be sure. But booby or no, yay.

Beckypdj said...

Happy you will have some guaranteed income, even though it's small. Thank you to your Dragon for serving our country, it can't be said enough.

Your embroidery work is beautiful. I love the colors and then I saw the mountain, it looks so real. :)

judemiller1 said...

Build-A-Bear--how cool is that!!! I will be PRAYING for you 'cause that's what I do. HAH I hope the pension is enough for you to be comfortable. Someday you will have Social Security and Medicare insurance and that will really help--it did me--saved my life. Until then--I so love those flowers along the jean's leg hems!!! Gorgeous!!! Steady on Friend, it will all be okay.

Dan, in real time. said...

This is my third attempt to leave a comment. I tried writing a couple of times while at work, but can only use my iPhone. My job doesn't give us access to the internet, which is making it dificult for me to write as often as I'd like to. Unfortunately, my phone doesn't seem to process the comment, because all attempts failed.

In any case, what I wanted to say was that at the risk of losing any "faithful" cross over readers, I have, and will continue to keep you in my prayers. I'm pleased that there may be some relief from the V.A., which may signal a general change for you. We never know how our prayers will be answered, so we should be open to what comes our way.

Maybe "Bear" building is in your future, or maybe something else that you currently don't expect. All I know is that I wish that good fortune does come your way, and that this fortune eases your way.

It still amazes me that we should worry how others will judge us by what we write. Or, maybe we don't worry, I don't always know. What does it matter if we turn to prayer, candles, or dance in the moonlight? We seek consolation in any way we can find it. What people need to understand, is that those of us who choose to write about our experience, are allowing others to be a part of it. But at least for me, I'm not looking for them to steer me in the right direction, or to feel threatened if I choose to seek consolation in a way that is different from their own. I know that this is what works for you, and what I do works for me. It is all we can do to keep ourselves actively participating in this life.

Hang in there. You are loved, and you are appreciated. Enjoy your retreat, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Even if there is some praying that takes place.


Suddenwidow said...

I thought I had something worth saying and then I read Dan's response. And now I've totally lost what I wanted to say. So I'd like to echo Dan's comments since he said everything so beautifully. You are in my prayers, too.

thelmaz said...

Oh, thank God (god?) you heard from the VA/ Hope your interview goes well. They would be lucky to have you.

P.S. Framed the pictures.

womanNshadows said...

thanks all. my fingers are crossed for whatever the VA sends. i am hopeful for the job. trying to be hopeful for a future of some kind. Thelma, the jeans are almost finished. will be done for a Tuesday mailing to you. i'm glad you like the pictures.

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