how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Bunny wants to quit life

see Bunny's frightened little face? the Bun is weary and scared and worried and sorrowful. Bunny has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and, just this week, Wednesday for inquiring minds, she has been told she has diabetes. *sob* Bunny loves oatmeal cookies and icing and stuff she can no longer eat.see the tension in her fuzzy little shoulders? Bunny needs someone to talk to. she needs her Dragon, her lovely, lovely Carl.

Carl, i need you. i am tired of life. i am tired of the worry and fret. i am tired of never being able to shut my mind off for one single second. always on guard. always watchful. i need you. i want to go back to the ocean. i want to hear the waves on the rocks and sand for myself. i want to smell salt and feel the breeze. i want to hear gulls crying out. i want you. i want you. i want you so very much. i need your arms around me and your fingers combing my hair. i want your breath in my ear and to feel your heart beating under my hand. i want to close my eyes and sleep; really sleep. i want a break. i want you to come back and hold me. i want you to be with me.

*sigh*

Bunny has a new man. he is pink and green and orange and blue. he has peace signs all over him. he is stuffed with some soft stuff that molds to her neck and helps support her tired little neck and shoulders and head. she calls him Carl. big surprise.
Bunny has dreams that no one knows anything about. but here is a taste. Bunny wants to quit life. she wants to leave this concrete prison. Bunny wants to go to an island and live there. somehow she will have food and books and thread and fabric and all the things she will need to survive, BUT magically she will never have to leave her island.
if someone wanted to visit, they could get dropped off here. Bunny says, "be careful."
she even has her outfit picked out. the Bun is ready to become a recluse. she is ready to go off to an island that is all her own so she can paint and sew and write and sun herself to warm her aching joints and hear the gulls and feel the ocean on her little feet and talk to and dream of her Carl Dragon, .......
and easily see her moon.


If once you have slept on an island
You'll never quite be the same;
You may look as you looked the day before
And go by the same old name.

You may bustle about in street and shop,
You may sit at home and sew,
But you'll see blue water and wheeling gulls
Wherever your feet may go.

You may chat with the neighbors of this and that
And close to your fire keep
But you'll hear ship whistle and lighthouse bell
And tides beat through your sleep.

Oh, you won't know why, and you can't say how
Such a change upon you came,
But - once you've slept on an island
You'll never quite be the same.

Rachel Field

2 comments:

megan said...

oh susan. I'm sorry to hear that diagnosis. It's a wonder we don't each get diabetes from this - I remember reading that diabetes can be considered a "lack of sweetness in life." Certainly applies. That island sounds wonderful and perfect. Visitors only dropped off by sea-plane.

judemiller1 said...

I hope you can control the diabetes with pills for now. Fred has diabetes--he acts like it's no big deal, but he has had it for 20 years so he is used to it. Oh the joys of getting old(er). How I would love to sleep on an island, then wake up, then just stay there forever!

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