how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

looking for someone to spend a lifetime with. i do not require you to be honest or good or faithful. i merely require you to be present in the moment, to be here with me. i do not care what you look like or what your faith, ideals, or morals are. i just want you to pay attention to me. i am beautiful and i am ugly. i can be perfect for you and then callously turn on you in the turn of a phrase or the gasp of the last breath of someone you love. my name is Life and you are the lucky soul born into one, your own, the one that you will cling to and sometimes, often regretfully, wish away.

i have things that recommend me. my landscapes and seascapes are beautiful. the smell of a coming thunderstorm, the taste of snowflakes on your tongue, the warmth of a sudden winter sun breaking through clouds, and the coolness of diving into the pool, or the ocean on a hot summer day. the excitement of finding the perfect "frippery" during a shopping trip or the awe in seeing the perfect sand dollar on a long and lonely stretch of sandy beach. i can give you the sight of a full moon rising and the majesty of a sunrise, all while standing with your soul mate.

my lovers perform for me. art ~ drawings, photography, stained glass, wood cuts, embroidery, paintings, sculpture, music, lyrics, dance, writing; all to honor me, and love ~ Life, my friend. Life.

i offer much that makes you curse me. i can give you the slow decline and eventual death from disease or i can make it quick and painful and harsh ~ car crash, sudden heart attack. i can also sit back and watch you do it to yourselves and never blink an eye much less interfere ~ war, murder, all based on greed and avarice.

hop on the swing Life and rise high towards the clouds. swing back and stare at the earth below your feet and ponder the thought of falling and hitting the dirt, hard. but then work for it, pump your legs and swing high again, always reaching for the sky, always searching for a glimpse of Heaven. because, if you don't work for it, your swing will never take you as high as you might be allowed to go.

you will have it all with me. ride the magnificent ride of true love where all your senses feel sharper, more alive than they ever will during your lifetime. feel the immense joy of having a child and know the happiness of teaching, of passing down a tradition, a legacy. see the world through their eyes and welcome all the smiles you can. hold those smiles close, hang on the all the collected moments of joy that you can and cherish them because i promise you, i will most certainly give you a taste of Hell on earth. i will take them from you and you will suffer. i will give you poverty and humiliation and insignificance. i want you to truly know immense joy and intense pain. you need to embrace the grief for as long as it will last for you because what i took from you deserves to be mourned. you had it all and i took it all away and i did it without a care or concern for what it did to you. by the time i am through with you, hopefully you will have become wise, caring, empathic, and earned the peace you have journeyed so long, or, depending upon your lifeline, so short, to find. you will deserve the peace you have fought for.
i am Life and the experience is not to be missed. i am waiting to hear from you.


Boo said...

FANTASTIC post. That is all. xxx

Widow in Oz said...

OMG. This is an amazing post. Can't select a favourite excerpt - it's all brilliant!!!

Judy said...

I told you--you are an artist with your words!!! Absolutely beautiful!!!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and heartbreaking. Hugs.

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Anonymous said...

Everything works together for the good for thoughs who Love God.To the faithfull nothing needs to be understood.To the unfaithfull nothing will ever be understood.In life we persevere and eveything wil be be found to have been worth the the journey.Head up ~Breath

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