how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bunny hates this weekend, but she loves this story.

my lovely son is in New England already. touched down about half an hour ago. i am upset.

my wonderful daughter will arrive by 8 PM tomorrow night. in New England. both my babies in his clutches. both of them staying at Voldemort's house this weekend. both leaving, thankfully, on Sunday.

his step daughter is getting married; the one he told our daughter, his blood, that her wedding could not interfere with. this is the one he is spending money on. not his own daughter. his own daughter had restrictions because two years ago he was already shelling out deposits for this one. two years ago he came to his own daughter's wedding toasted and got more drunk and humiliated her by refusing to give a toast.

i hate this weekend. hate it, hate it, hate it. with a hatred that runs so deep you cannot imagine. and if anyone comments that it will soon be over, or that it should just be water off a duck's back for me, or that my children could have, as adults, declined to go, i say, "you do not know anything about Voldemort. you do not know the story behind all this." if any one person tries to tell me that it will be okay, because yes, i know they will survive this, endure the poison that leaks from his mouth, i will imagine beating said person about the neck and shoulders until something loosens and then i will ............ okay. enough said. i have high blood pressure. must go to work and be chipper. happy. all bunnies and bears.

so to temper my panic that he has them this weekend, and my imaginings as to what Voldemort's family will say to my son and daughter to make them feel awful, i give you this story.

Bunny loves this story.




Bunny just needs to breathe. it's only for the weekend. just breathe.

3 comments:

judemiller1 said...

No "get over it" comment because I have lived through much the same. Ex couldn't help his own daughter in college because he had to take his step-sons on an expensive ski trip--vacation--golf trip, on and on. Didn't pay a cent for her college nor her wedding. And their own flesh and blood have to pretend all is well because--he is DAD. BASTARDS!!!

Widow in Oz said...

I hope Karma is real & very, very effective.

cancerwidow said...

Hugs.

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