how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


no health care for me until january. i have to be there for a year. i can't stand this. i really can't. and the b*tch who said she would guide me, my daughter's mother-in-law, whom i haven't heard from since her offer of medical advice, just chimed in on Facebook.

i put her words in puke green because she just regurgitated them out from some "chicken soup for the soul's of stupid people" book she must have read.'s challenges are not always good ones, you've been faced with many of the hardest ones in a short amount of time. Keep your ears up and your pink nose towards the sky, we're praying for you and know that answers come when we need them.

doesn't this b*tch know that i know all about life hardest challenges? i f*cking know already. i need a f*cking break from all these challenges i've faced for 53 years. 50 + 3 = 53 f-ing years i've faced abuse from loved ones and from life. i want to live like the blessed ones for a while. just a short while. enough food. health care. ability to make ends meet. that's all i want. relief from all this stress. just let one thing, ONE THING, go right for me, please.

i hate life today. hate it. why is it so mean? why are people so stupid and self involved and filled with these soulless platitudes? "answers come when you need them." f*ck you. i need answers and help now, you arrogant twit! you're a nurse! you're a f*cking hospital administrator now! give me that advice you offered so melodramatically before. don't make me wait for providence to give me that answers. i need an answer now! i want one now!

i can't take too much more of this. i just can't. oh, God, please don't let me drown.

~~ it's about 2 PM. i'm back from a short day at work. i see the b*tch took her post down. she commented that she only meant to offer comfort. {Susan, I'm sorry you have to face another challenge. I was hoping to provide comfort, I didn't mean to imply that I didn't understand or appreciate the journey your life has been. I truly hope things get better for you.}

contrite? who knows with her. you'd have to meet her to know the teeter totter-ness of her moods. but at least i and my widow friends got our point across. platitudes never work. we need support and suggestions and hope. lots and lots of hope from each other.

thank you ladies. i needed you today. so very down and mad and upset and...... you get the picture.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.


Anonymous said...

I am sooo sorry you are going through this. The worry and stress involving lack of health care is enough to push one over the edge. I've been there and am still there. I get so angry that we live in such a wonderful country but that many of us are suffering because there is no national health care plan in place yet. I'm not sure people have any answers because maybe there aren't any. In the meantime the most and best we can do is to treat ourselves as well as possible so we don't increase our nerves, and high blood pressure. It is good you have the strength to talk about this and hopefully educate people as to the reality of this situation.

judemiller1 said...

I know, Susan. I was without health care for 7 years and it was scarey--especially when "they" told me I needed a hysterectomy and I told them, "No insurance. you will have to come up with something else." Then, I was living in a home that had been in my family for over 80 years and I couldn't afford the expense and had to leave my beloved home. F*CK is the only word I could come with then and it is a perfectly, wonderfully harsh word!! There is no choice--scream the "F" word and hang on as best you can. It's gotta get better, but I don't know how long it will take. F*CK!!!

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