how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, June 10, 2011

i think i give up

i think i'm going to give up. i'm tired of trying. nothing gets better. nothing gets easier.

i want him back. i need him so much. i'm so tired. i'm crying all the time now. again. i thought working be make things a little easier. i would be paying for things on my own. i have the hours, but now, the diagnosis hit me and flattened me.

high blood pressure and diabetes. and i have no health care. first it was, "wait until August." then earlier this week it was "wait until January." today it was "you have to wait until April 2012."

i think i give up. grief wins. life wins. i'm too tired. did i mention i cry all the time now when i'm here at the apartment? i just sit and cry and i can't do anything.
when i am here, i want to sleep all the time. i'm losing the fight for the light.
see. Bunny used to always wish, believe, and she swam in the ocean all the time; well, not in the winter time. that was her life before. click on the photo and enlarge it. you'll see that she arranged the refrigerator magnets to show you.

now she wishes for what can never be. she has stopped believing in anything remotely going her way, or even just being easy. and she hasn't been swimming since the summer before he died.

no water in her life. no ocean. no sand. no Dragon. almost, almost, no hope anymore. yes, it looks like Bunny is giving up. she is going to lay down and let life run right over her. it's going to anyway no matter what she does.

life is so unkind.

excuse me while Bunny goes and cries.


Sudden widow said...

I know my words cannot change things or help in any real way but I am praying for you. You deserve a break, and I'm hoping that God is listening.

judemiller1 said...

But you can't give up because you have to take care of the doggies.

Kim said...

:( ... there are so many words I wish I could say, but I have "watched" read through your struggle and wish so much that I could offer you so much more than words. I read whenever you write and my heart always goes out to you and I wish I could sit with you and help. I truly wish my words could mean more, but please know that we care about you, that your Dragon is there; put your hand out and let him hold it because I know we all wish we could do that xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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