how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


heavy heart times, and not even an asterisk.

busy people, busy lives. it's me. it isn't me. i'm hurting too much thinking about the 5th, the 9th, the 11th. people don't know what to say. they don't care to say anything. what words to use? choosing to say nothing. too many others with more upbeat attitudes. they witness the power of running to the light, opening doors and windows, positive thinking. Bunny does that, but only in real life. here? she expresses in honesty what is inside her, trying to box it up and be done with it.. but know this. Bunny is very well liked by the guests in the store. she has people return to her, people who have heard about her and are sent to her, people who just look into her eyes and gravitate to her. Bunny does positive, likeable things at the store.

was sent a website for Canadian pharmacy. no other words. just the website. the only drug they offer that Bunny takes was 10 times more expensive than she can get it at Target. nice thought though.

the woman Bun writes to for grief counseling will probably not be able to write back anymore due to her own sorrowful life happenings. wishing her the very best. will always think of her and remember her kindness. should Bun try and find yet another grief counselor? strike one. strike two. strike three. Bun's out. she'll keep it all inside. seems that's what life wants.

maybe she was meant to tell her story differently. she'll sew and embroider her life story. if anyone cares, it will be her art that speaks now. Bunny talk about what hurts her? not so much anymore. going to do things differently. not be different. just do this different. try to be more entertaining? appealing? don't know what it will take. but......thoughts gather. something will be different.

the pain she's poured out here of late has met with some silence of late. zero. 0. it stings. Bunny hangs her little head. "spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart." comments disabled ~ no unkindness, no expectations, no hurt feelings, no wondering where everyone is.

stop looking, Bunny.
Bunny walks away towards the 5th, then the 9th, and then the 11th.