home

i am really in  rough place.  i know the reasons.  can't, no, won't tell you.  i don't think it really matters anyway to anyone but me.  just know i am in a rough place.  but i am still here.  won't quit.

will never quit.

my Dragon never did, and he had been in some very rough places, actual, physical rough places and times.  'cuz, yeah, he was {is} a Marine.  those guys are sent to rough places and rough places stress you out.   my Dragon never gave up.  so i'm not.

i also have my two children, grown though they are.  never going to lay down and quit.

but i am low.  tearful.  exhausted.  worried.

a man my Dragon and i had gotten to know during out walks about Rockport was Paul St. Germain.  he is the president of the Thatcher Island Association.  he is also spearheading the renovations to the lightkeeper's house on my island, mine, as in all mine ~ Straitsmouth Island.  or as i like to call it, mine.

anyway, i opened email this morning and he had sent me 12 photographs of the island and the renovation that is going on.  i smiled.  so bittersweet.  he said if i ever get back up there he will take me out to my island.  we'd walk around and i could take pictures to my heart's content.  he said, "dawn to sunset.  the island will be yours for the day."  he said the town still and the island association still refer to it as my island.  they just remember all the hours i spent staring at that austere and secluded piece of real estate.  the lobstermen would be hurrying in and spy me out on the rocky point off Whale Cove at the start of the big nor'easters taking photos.  they would head in.  i was staying out there.

it's home to me.  and when you're in a rough place, all you can think about is going home.

it's a mad world

so 3 years has come and gone. 3 years.

Valentine's Day has passed. it was hard.

i worked a long day and came home thinking about him, remembering that 3 years ago i was on the road to here,

from there.

my daughter was driving me away from home to here, which is supposed to be home,

and in certain ways it is,

but in the most elemental, most meaningful way,

it is not.

i realize i am searching for home. i search for it online with pictures of places i would like to live in, decorating that i would do. i find places i can only dream about.

i check out magazines that have pictures of houses and rooms i want to live in.

i see beds i'd like to sleep in.

i sometimes think, "i could do this better, do life better, if i had a bit more money. i could endure this without him if i had my own home."

i want to paint walls and spread out a little more than i can in this one bedroom apartment.

i want, i want, i want. i desire things. but they are all beyond my reach so i dream and cut photos and take pictures off the 'net to keep,

and look at,

and dream.

it's crazy out there in the real world. i have to be alert and focused and happy, happy, upbeat at work. but when i get home, i let myself collapse. i am tired. there are some very odd people out there. there are some different parenting styles that make me weep for the world.

today ~

a child wanted to stuff his bear right at that minute. there were two girls in front of him. i told him he was next. he said he wanted the two girls to die right then. he was 5. this is the second time this has happened this month.

today ~

a parent could not control her daughter who screamed for everything. screamed at decibel levels that went through everyone's collective heads like a nail. everyone vanished and i was left to deal with them. they drove other guests from the store. the mother was harried. she pleaded with her child to stop "being so bad." the child screamed, and i quote, "you have a boyfriend. i'll tell daddy." this child ran and ran and ran through the store tearing it apart.

i admit. i could not take it anymore. so i stood in front of the child and blocked her. she ran into me. it hurt. it stopped her long enough for me to say, "stop running. you'll fall. and now that i have your attention, do not throw out things on the floor."

she cursed me out, ran off to the back of the store laughing.

i turned to the mother and said, "you need to leave our store. your daughter has driven all our guests from the store. the store is a shambles. if you do not leave i will have to call security."

the mother took her child by the arm and left the store. it took me and another girl 45 minutes to set to rights what this child tore up. she was 12.

today ~

a parent rewarded her son for finally getting out of diapers. she said he liked being taken care of and that it had been a struggle for her to get him to want to be independent. i was a little taken aback. the boy smirked, yes, i deliberately chose that word, he smirked and said, "why should i do it when she was gonna do it for me." the boy is turning 8 in May.

today ~

a grandfather scared one of the young women who works at the store to death by threatening her job for not getting the coupon he had given her to go through the register. i heard the threats and went straight over and told the girl she could go take a quick break. i took the coupon and checked it to see why it would not run. it had expired in 2010. i told the man and he said, "run it again." i said, "no, sir. it will not run if i ran it 10,000 times. it has expired and the software won't accept it."

"give me my discount."

"no, sir. i cannot."

"i will get you fired."

"no, sir. you cannot. what i will do for you is give you another coupon worth $5. it's not the $10 off you want, but what i will also do for you is NOT call mall security and tell them you used physical and verbal intimidation on a 20 year old girl. do you accept these terms?"

he did. the grandfather turned to his grandson and said, "that's how you have to treat these women. see? grandpa got you $5 off."

it was a tough day today with some very difficult people. it's no wonder that i don't come back here and dream of a place that's all my own, a place i can say reflects my soul.

i miss him. i wonder when i'll feel stronger, or less tired at the end of my work day. when i finally crawl into bed, i am utterly defeated and exhausted. but i do have my moments of bliss. a new bunny is coming out. looking forward to that. getting the surprise visit from Lucy. the flowers from SSSF. my son surprise calling me on the phone in the middle of the week. sitting down crying only to have my two dogs leap up into my lap and stare at me, paw at me, and lick my face.

i miss him and i wonder,

if he could see me,

from wherever he is,

what would he think of me now?

dream home ~ new link

i do not know if i will write much of any length before Christmas and i cannot leave my last post up as the last one before Christmas. it was written from despair and more than a bit of anger that i usually keep pressed down deep inside.

i have added a "gadget" over there on the right. ~~> see it? "Home is where the heart is." i wanted to show you photos of the house my Dragon and i were going to buy. we were going to save it together. think new shingles and stone. instead of white, there would be colors. a new light in the tower and of course, a new roof. but click the little link and go see some of my favorite photos of our dream home. as the Righteous Brothers sing, "i'm dreaming my life away." but that's okay. right now, that's where i am.
if you click to make the above photo larger you will see my Dragon reflected in the lower level master bedroom window. i wonder if there are times when he still flies by to check on our "dream home."
it looks out over Rockport harbor. we had such plans. one day i'll splurge and by myself new oil paints and i'll paint our vision of this house.

thank you all for being there during the dark times. it is to you that i reach out. now, i am going to embroider a border around the first of Suddenwidow's quilts.