tenth wedding anniversary

"Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn't that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , its off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married."
- Joseph Campbell

marriage is a sacrament.  it is our 10th wedding anniversary today.

happy anniversary, my love.

what we had, as i still feel it, and as i remember it, as i know it, goes even deeper that Joseph Campbell's words above.  after a mission he told me once, "you can look at me and know what hurts.  when i come back, you know exactly what to do and say to me.  they only ask for details.  they never think about what it does to me to do those things.  but you know.  you understand and care about me.  you know it all and you still love me and that's amazing."

i said to him, "you deserve better than what you've been allowed to have.  you deserve a peaceful life because, warrior that you are, you are a gentle and peaceful spirit.  i love you and i will always love you, no matter what."

"no matter what" happened and he died.  he died just as he was being allowed to live that peaceful life.  i believe he is at peace now.  to think otherwise would be wrong.  i told him that the Archangel Michael is a warrior.  i told him that Michael had his back.  and so did i.  he would laugh and say, "Baby, you don't know.  i'm going straight to Hell."  it was said with laughter but there was worry in there, too.  i told him he would most assuredly go to Paradise.  he was honorable, loyal, faithful, and true.

that word, true, says so much about who he is.  "a marriage of true minds."  that what we had.  in every way possible, mind, body, spirit, soul, we were true to each other.  he was true to his country.  i have met a lot of people and i can say, in my humble opinion, there is none better.  

i love him and i always will.  he is larger than life and the legend of him does not hold a candle to what he did and who he is.  he loved me.  he smiled at me.  he touched me, held my hand, appreciated me, respected me, listened to me.....he was/is amazing and no one can compare.

one oddity, i cannot look at his urn to often or for too long.  i protect it and guard it.  but looking at it, imagining his body in there; it's too much.  but i will never put it away.  i would miss its presence.

it's my wedding anniversary today.  10 years with my Dragon.  here's to 1000 more.

"may you live a thousand years and i a thousand less one day

that i may never know that you have passed away."

longing, grief, melancholia ~ just another August

August has already hit hard.  sleepless.  memories and pain over the loss at getting any chance to create more.

his birthday has passed.  he will always be to me the age he was when he died.  handsome with his silvery white hair and beard. the color of moonlight.  his eyes with their devilish gleam.  his booming laugh.  he will never age. he will never become infirmed with a slow, old man's gate or trembling hands.  he will always be, in my memories, virile, active, a Dragon among men.  so powerful an image.  if only you could have seen him climbing over the rocks beside the ocean where we lived together.  fearless.

he was the one who should have lived.  he had so much life in him while i have always been the observer.  i am timid and quiet, and now, beaten down and grief-stricken.  how can i go on without him and yet somehow i do.  how can it now be almost 3 and a half years since i last was held in his warm and protective embrace, and yet, the days, the years continue to ooze by like some black sludge i have to wade through each and every day.  i am exhausted and struggle at times to find the reason for my being here, but simply waking up means there is a reason even if i cannot find it.  Where's Waldo?  where is my reason for still being here?  punishment?  a worthy purpose?  it is a puzzle that still intrigues.  i look for something good i have done for someone every day so that when i wait for sleep to come over me, i can say, "okay, that's why i was alive today."  it's not bitterness speaking.  it is melancholy.  wistful dreams for something i can no longer have and wonder at what i am supposed to do now.

more Art of Grief to shield herself against August

Bunny has been working and working on a Memory Quilt.  it is the third for this woman.  the first two were for her sons. this one is for her.  she sent me a photograph from a website of the Golden Gate Bridge at sunset with a sailboat sailing under the bridge.  she wanted it on one of her husband's shirts.  Bunny has worked for months and months.

and months.

 finally, just this evening, she has finished it.  just this part.  this one shirt.  there are thousands and thousands, and thousands of stitches in this one piece.

 whew!  Bunny is taking the night off.

and working on her car!!

that's right.  before the Bun moves on to the next part of this quilt, she's gonna paint her car.

see that big photo up there?  she bought paints; good paints, well, quazi-good paints. but paint that beats the dollar store paint all to heck.

ooooooooooo, you can see that Bunny's already got some nice paint splatters on her work shirt.

hang around, or come back sometime to see the finished product.

the Bun loves being creative.  she can hide from her pain and ignore those twinges of wanting to look up and show her Dragon what she's working on.  if she does forget and look up,

she tells herself she was just showing the dogs.

August is coming.

August is his birthday.

August is the 3 and a half year mark.

3 and a half years.

3 and a half y-e-a-r-s.

{Bunny looks around her and looks inside her heart and wonders why it still hurts to badly.}

August is our wedding anniversary.

August is a,

let's just say that August is a 

difficult month

for Bunny.

"may you live a thousand years and i a thousand less one day,

that i may never know when you have passed away."