how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, September 24, 2012

the time of my life

i waited a long time for a chance to do something fun; to go somewhere.   for the last 3 years i've read about people having trips and going places to get away; to be with friends and/or family.
and now it was my turn.

i made a Bunny for my son and took it with me.  she watched the flight trip screen on the plane the whole trip.  that's how excited we were.
 when he picked me up, he wasn't just at the pickup lane waiting in the car.  he had parked and was waiting inside just outside the security checkpoint.  i saw him as i was walking out.  and i got teary a little bit.  he is my son, my baby; my6'4" little boy who is the man of the house, so to speak.  he has done things for me, been there, given me money, yelled at people; he has helped me so much.  just like i did for him when he was little and vulnerable.

so he took me to Universal Studios first to have some crazy fun.  we rode rides where we when fast and ones where we got really soaked.  and then we got off, ran around, and rode them again.
 he showed me what he does at work and how he does it.  it is fascinating.  his work is on the Golf Channel and we sat and watched it come across the screen.  it was so cool to see that.
 the next day he took me to play golf.  i haven't played in 25 years.  and i kept up nicely, thank you very much.  i used to be a 3 handicap.  not anymore, but i can still drive the ball 130 yards.  with practice i'll get it back.
 my son and i had such a good time together.  we rode in a cart and played the entire 18 holes got in under the wire of an late afternoon thunderstorm.  we saw the changing of seasons together ~ summer to fall.
 our last full day together we went to a zoo and paddled kayaks around the park with a guide who talked of the animals and their habitats.  i took hundreds of photos there. 

i took hundreds of photos throughout the whole trip.  when i left there, my heart was sinking a bit.  i relaxed for the first time in years.  i felt good for the first time in years.  my son was the lead, taking care of everything.  if i mentioned i was hungry, i had food in short order.  he asked if i was thirsty while handing me a bottle of cold water he'd brought.  i felt safe and loved.  my son is so much fun to be with.  we had long conversations and laughed so much.  we played games on his XBox, the kind where you stand in front of it and are part of the game.  it was hysterical.

and when i left there, i immediately started missing him.  i miss him so very much.  my children and my dogs are my heart and soul.  they always were, and my husband was my breath.  now that he is gone, it is all about my children.  i hid my tears when he took me to the airport.  he parked and walked me in.  he saw me to the security point.  i had to watch him walk away and it damn near killed me.  but i had to get back to the life i have here.

i left a bunny behind to sit with the golf bear i made him when he got the job at the Golf Channel.  they both sit in a place of honor in his home.
i had forgotten how to have fun.  i do not have faith in other people.  lost it along the way somewhere between being forgotten and being left behind.  but with my children i see that i can play.  i can have fun.  i just need to feel safe to let go a bit.  

i wish he lived closer.  he wishes it, too.  i always have a home with him.  he said that.  he will always make sure i am safe.  and i do, feel safe.  seeing his face when he said it to me, his eyes, the seriousness, the dedication and love he has for me.  i know i can always turn to him.

i love you, my handsome little boy.  i accept that you're all grown up and i am so very proud of you.
~ love, mom

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Bunny is going on a trip.....

...... and she'll be back with stories and photos.  her son sent her plane tickets and has a nice, long weekend for her packed with plans for fun, frivolity, and smiles.

what i'm telling Bunny {aka me}:

breathe, Bunny.  just breathe.  relax.  smell the air.  feel the sun on your little body.  sleep.   laugh.  talk.  just take it all in.

it is a wonderful world.  go enjoy the next 4 days.

no one can begrudge you a small vacation.  enjoy being with your son.

Bunny in her vaca clothes.

Friday, September 14, 2012

i dream in color

this is me at 4 months out.  soft little face.  yet so scared. 

this is me 3 and a half years out.
see that furry face?  little bit more careworn.
see those eyes?  "so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see."
reality hits me ~ again and again and again.........

it's hard doing this sort of alone.  i'm not alone alone.  i have my two children.  i do hold close to my broken spirit every comment written here.  but i am still thinking it might be a good idea to try again to find someone to talk to.  you know, try again for a grief counselor.  but what would she say to me?

"girl, it's been 3 years and you're just now getting around to finding some help with this?"

i'd have to say, "ma'am, it's bee 3 plus years of searching for someone who will effing listen to me and not bleed me dry of something i have, something i can do.  to simply do the job of a grief counselor and not let me down.  please, just listen to me.

i don't know if i'll ever have that.  looking into the money aspect of it.

i seem to whine a lot, but this blog is my only outlet to whine. otherwise i keep it inside.  i have to do the "primal scream" thing to get some of it out.  here, i can.  i'm so closed off from the world.  i do not reveal anything to anyone who knows me simply because they are not friends.  the only people i know are the people i work with.

i try to help myself.  i look to my dogs for the way to enjoy life.  

 like Scootie Wootums enjoying sniffing all the sniffs that cram into his nose while his head is stuck out the window. 
 i dream/create fantasies of a different life.  my happy place.  my serene calm place where i am not here.  i am somewhere else, with him, my children, all together truly living each day and reveling in all that the world has.
 i remember all the places i did live where i felt home.  i developed an attachment to a place and will never forget living there.  i can go there in my mind and breathe.
 i am so much more fragile than i ever was.  is it age?  or grief?  is it feeling so vulnerable, or so adrift?  and yet, i feel surges of strength when i am threatened.
"how dare you try and hurt me?"  "how dare you try and take what little i have left?"

i dream in color.  my things are old and solid and loyal and enduring.

i dream in color.   i value and respect the things that last like love and memories.

i dream in color.  i do not seek more material possessions but only add things like books {words}, moments of calmness, and the continued search for peace in this life.
i may see things in black and white; facing the reality that life shoves down my throat day-after-day,
but i dream in color.

Friday, September 7, 2012

fair / unfair / c'est la vie

c'est la vie.  isn't that what they say when life hands you troubles?  

such is life.  life isn't fair.

we learned that in kindergarten.  someone takes your sandwich.  someone tears up your drawing.  someone makes fun of you when you fall down and skin your knee.

and no one does anything about it.

such is life.  life isn't fair.

i've had a run of bad luck, or just a run of "life."  some good things have happened.  some bad things have happened.  a lot of bad things.

is it fair that i have a part time manager who lies on her time sheet; who gets paid for upwards of 15 - 20 minutes of work when she wasn't there yet?  how does she do it?  when she opens, she is there at the last minute.  2 minutes before the store opens.  when the next manager doing the close shift comes in, she claims she didn't get clocked in and would we do it.  i've called more than once, 20 minutes before, 15, 10, and finally 3 minutes before and she doesn't answer.  or she has called me a few minutes after open asking for computer help opening the store.  by the time the doors are open, those registers should be open.  the other part time manager asked me if i was suspicious.  we both just nodded our heads in agreement.  she's cheating.  nothing we can do about it without causing a HUGE deal over it.  very political stuff involved with her and who this girl is dating.

is this fair?  no.

i was deathly afraid of my mother and father all my growing up years.  

is this fair?  no, but my childhood could have been worse.  much worse.  

i was afraid of my first husband.  is this fair?  no.  but they don't have "and they lived happily ever after" in the marriage vows.  and vows, for some people, mean nothing.

i retreat sometimes to my mind.  i go to a place in my mind where i create an environment that makes me calm and at peace.

like the photo below.  i could lay there and listen to the water, the gulls, feel the breeze, and relax.
 is it fair that i had bought my clutch for my old car and called around only to get horrible men tell me horrible things like, "let me talk to your man."  or "lady, this is the best price around so if you want it, book it, otherwise stop wasting my time."  to "drop off the car, i'll take a look at it and let you know. Enterprise can pick you up.  they have great weekly deals.  we'll get to your car when we get to it."  

rudeness.  lots of rudeness.  lots of terrible customer service from ads of places that say, "100% customer satisfaction."  is this fair?  no.  is it done every day?  yes.

the badness i wrote about was about my dogs.  my beautiful little dogs.  my friends.

the lady downstairs complained.  she's almost 90 and she likes to sleep before she goes to bed.  when i work at night, sometimes, my dogs will bark.  they are afraid of the dark and they look outside waiting for me and will see a cat, or a person walking their dog, or hear a noise and it will scare them.  and, mostly Carmen Sophia, will bark for a bit.  it scared me so bad.  i cannot lose them.  i cannot afford to move.  even if i moved, it could be from the frying pan into the fire.  

spiral down.  i spiraled down into an abyss that was hard to get up from.
 only darkness in front of me.  my little dogs.  

i panicked.  i went into a full-fledged hyperventilating panic attack.  how could i fix this?  what could i do to save my dogs?  i put their thunder shirts on them before i left.  i kept the tv on and all the lights on.  i blocked the sliding glass window and the small window in the bedroom.  and i gave them benadryl to make them calm.  so far it has worked.

but to make sure i also ordered a dog silencer machine that puts out a sound that humans can't hear but dogs can when they bark.  it is an annoyance to them and trains them not to nuisance bark.  i feel a little bit better about it.  but i still carry the scars of the panic and i still carry the worry that it will all change back and someone will try to take my dogs away again.

i'm scarred.   was it fair?  no, but then it isn't fair that the little old lady downstairs had her sleep interrupted by two scared little scotties. 

i sometimes wonder how i can continue to live like this; live so very scared all the time.  i never really rest unless i force myself to go to that place in my mind where i know i would be happy.

it would be a stone house beside the ocean.  my two little dogs and i would be safe.  no one would/could threaten us.  i go there and design my home in my mind.  i plan the gardens.  i put up photos and lay quilts on the sofas and beds.  there are alcoves for reading and resting.  there is a warm, cozy kitchen to make small meals in.  my dogs and i would be safe.

safe is all i want.  safe with no one trying to change my life, make me give up things, take from me.

funny thing, in my dreams, i don't have any friends.  i am alone with my dogs.
but i am back with him.  or he is back with me.
and there is no fair or not fair.  there is just home.
but it's all a dream and i know it.

i need my dreams.  i need that safe place to go to where things go right.  i need my "home" and my dogs right with me.  i need the ocean and the coming Fall and Winter where we stayed close to home and took care of each other.   fire in the wood stove.  stew cooking.  mulled cider in a cup.  books to read on the sofa where we piled together.  all of us.  man.  woman.  and two little dogs.

happened once.  never to happen again.  c'est la vie.

but life cannot take the memories from me nor can it take my dreams.

if i can still shut out the world and dream, make up my fantasies, then i still have the strength to get up and fight against the bad things that happen that make me say,

"son of a bitch!  what the f***!  what more do you effing want from me!?"

and yes,

"c'est la vie."

Saturday, September 1, 2012


no where to turn.  can't talk about it yet.  it is too hard.  all i want is peace.  i just want a period of time when nothing goes wrong.  i don't want anything bad to happen, no one causing trouble for me; i just want to have a period of time, longer than 5 minutes, where i have nothing to worry about.

i just want some peace.

i want the world at large to just leave me alone.


just give me some time where nothing bad is going on.


i wish i had him here.  i wish he were here so badly.  i need him so much right now.  missing him is so much harder when things go wrong.  and things have gone wrong off and on since the day he died.