say "yes"

so i deleted my previous post.  thank you to those who meant well.

i got a horrendous lengthy comment that made me mad so i close the door what what i said.

i guess grief blogs aren't what they used to be.

going to keep it less personal which i think defeats the purpose of a grief blog.

in the early stages, i would read others and not feel so alone.  they were saying what i was feeling.

but now, well, i will still speak my truth, just not all of it.

slumpy Bunny is back.  things aren't going great.

 i didn't get the manager's job that i've been doing for a month.  "do it for one more month.  we've hired someone to take care of both stores.  instead of paying 2 people larger salaries we're paying one person a salary and a half."

so i'm acting manager for one more month on an assistant manager pay and then i'm back at my store. 

i cried.  my feelings were hurt.

i've workd so hard.

and i'm scared.

my rent is going up.  i can't afford to live here anymore.  the place i moved into 3 days after he died and i can't afford to live here anymore.

i have asked {read almost "begged"} to be allowed to rent a room in my son-in-law's grandmother's house.

i would pay less rent there and would do all the housework, plus all the yard work, plus keep my 40 hour a week job to have money and health care.  my dogs could keep her company while i am at work and i would be her companion when i am "home" and on my days off.  i would take care of her so she can live longer in her own home.  my son-in-law's mother said this is a win-win for them, but she has to ask her brother and sister.  so i am waiting for that conversation and for their approval.

i hope they all agree; that they all think it's a win-win.

and they know me.  my daughter is having their grandson/great grandson.

i hope they say "yes" very soon.

my stomach is in knots over the uncertainty of it all.

if i had enough money i would get me a little cabin type place i think.

and it would house all my books.  like below.

cool photograph, huh?

 and this photo is a blast from a long past blog entry....

the Saracen Tower.

i still think about a place like it.  i could be safe in a place like this.

no one could get me.

i know you're wondering why i think of safety and preventing no one from getting me.

it's a crazy story but simple one.

i've been "gotten to" a lot by some not nice people.

all i want; all i've ever wanted is a quiet life.  peaceful.  i want to breathe.

i want to live out my days in safety....from money trouble and criticism and judgements.

just let me work and go home do what needs to be done to deserve to live in a little home with a nice elderly lady.

i could sit and sew with my dogs and keep her company.

i don't need a Saracen Tower.

i don't need a cabin.

i'd whittle down my life to a little room at the end of a hallway,

in a home where i take care of the housework and yard work.

i'd be so safe in that one little room at the end of the hallway,

and i'd work so hard to make it a happy place and a place of acceptance

for me and the lovely lady who lives there.

fingers crossed.  stomach in turmoil waiting to be approved.

i hope they say "yes" very, very soon.  i'm a nice Bunny who needs a home.

i'm a scared Bunny who needs a little help.  i would work so hard.

all they have to do is say "yes."

the day my Dragon gave

{first of all, let me humbly apologize for the two black smudges that appear on some of my photographs. pixel loss is a terrible thing. i am saving for a new digital.}

i did not fall asleep until 4 AM last night. i had to get up to take my dogs out at half past 6 but then i went back to sleep for a couple of hours. it has been a very long week emotionally for no apparent reason other than i miss him and i feel like i am walking through quicksand.

i went to the widow's meeting again. i just wanted to see people, just sit in a room with some people and not be alone. one of the widow's came and picked me up. she's getting married in June but she still wants to attend the meetings and she graciously took me and brought me home.

something happened while i was there. someone saw me. chillinwithlemonade, another blogger, in fact the one who got me started, looked at my face and saw how alone i feel and how much i hurt. it was a significant event for me. someone saw behind the facade and saw the crumpled me that i am inside. thank you, sister dear, for recognizing in me what is also in you.

so i am very tired on this beautiful day. i plan on taking Captain Generic tonight and try to sleep, but only after Mega Piranha on SyFy. a girl has to treat herself on a Saturday night.

i took a break from the quilt i am designing and took the dogs out for a quick walk and low and behold, the sky was dramatically gorgeous. my Dragon was telling me to keep looking up, not down at my feet, but up at him. the mares tails are beautiful. so on behalf of my Dragon whose wings brought the breeze that instigated my looking up, and to God who created the palette so blue and the clouds so thin and swirling, here are the photos i took with some passages i cling to.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ Corinthians 13:7-8

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. ~ Song of Solomon 7:10

I do not wish any companion in the world but you. ~ The Tempest ~ Shakespeare

For where thou art, there is the world itself, And where thou art not, desolation. ~ Henry IV ~ Shakespeare

and my personal favorite: I found the one whom my soul loves. ~ Song of solomon 3:4

i love you, my dear, with all that i am and all i was ever going to be. i know that is why your death is so very hard to bear.