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looking for someone to spend a lifetime with. i do not require you to be honest or good or faithful. i merely require you to be present in the moment, to be here with me. i do not care what you look like or what your faith, ideals, or morals are. i just want you to pay attention to me. i am beautiful and i am ugly. i can be perfect for you and then callously turn on you in the turn of a phrase or the gasp of the last breath of someone you love. my name is Life and you are the lucky soul born into one, your own, the one that you will cling to and sometimes, often regretfully, wish away.

i have things that recommend me. my landscapes and seascapes are beautiful. the smell of a coming thunderstorm, the taste of snowflakes on your tongue, the warmth of a sudden winter sun breaking through clouds, and the coolness of diving into the pool, or the ocean on a hot summer day. the excitement of finding the perfect "frippery" during a shopping trip or the awe in seeing the perfect sand dollar on a long and lonely stretch of sandy beach. i can give you the sight of a full moon rising and the majesty of a sunrise, all while standing with your soul mate.

my lovers perform for me. art ~ drawings, photography, stained glass, wood cuts, embroidery, paintings, sculpture, music, lyrics, dance, writing; all to honor me, and love ~ Life, my friend. Life.

i offer much that makes you curse me. i can give you the slow decline and eventual death from disease or i can make it quick and painful and harsh ~ car crash, sudden heart attack. i can also sit back and watch you do it to yourselves and never blink an eye much less interfere ~ war, murder, all based on greed and avarice.

hop on the swing Life and rise high towards the clouds. swing back and stare at the earth below your feet and ponder the thought of falling and hitting the dirt, hard. but then work for it, pump your legs and swing high again, always reaching for the sky, always searching for a glimpse of Heaven. because, if you don't work for it, your swing will never take you as high as you might be allowed to go.

you will have it all with me. ride the magnificent ride of true love where all your senses feel sharper, more alive than they ever will during your lifetime. feel the immense joy of having a child and know the happiness of teaching, of passing down a tradition, a legacy. see the world through their eyes and welcome all the smiles you can. hold those smiles close, hang on the all the collected moments of joy that you can and cherish them because i promise you, i will most certainly give you a taste of Hell on earth. i will take them from you and you will suffer. i will give you poverty and humiliation and insignificance. i want you to truly know immense joy and intense pain. you need to embrace the grief for as long as it will last for you because what i took from you deserves to be mourned. you had it all and i took it all away and i did it without a care or concern for what it did to you. by the time i am through with you, hopefully you will have become wise, caring, empathic, and earned the peace you have journeyed so long, or, depending upon your lifeline, so short, to find. you will deserve the peace you have fought for.
i am Life and the experience is not to be missed. i am waiting to hear from you.

only in my mind....

i read somewhere that only in our minds are we truly free. that is where i have always gone to find release from the life i was having to deal with. it is where i go now when i am faced with awful things that i can do nothing about.

it is worthy of note that i never had to close my eyes and fantasize about being free when i was with him.

two weeks ago my tooth split vertically up into the gum. the dentist said it was one he had worked on less than 6 months ago. he is charging me $1745 for a crown. that's what he said. we're doing a crown. the quick and ugly turns out that he forgot to tell me i required oral surgery. i found out about the surgery when he started stitching my gum. it is going to take 3 months of eating only jello, pasta, soups, oatmeal, and a few other very soft foods cut into small bites eaten on the other side of my mouth before i will be healed enough to be given a crown. he promised i would have it the week before Camp Widow. so i can eat, he said.

it's been hard. i've been very hungry even after i eat because i cannot eat a complete meal. my jaw gets tired.

i make quilts out of clothes of people who have died. a woman put a link to the Facebook photo album of my work to try and help me. her brief words were gracious. unfortunately i have been deluged with messages from women who think i am "feeding off the dead." that i am "profiting from people who are deeply grieving." that i should "teach how to do this at Camp Widow so people don't have to trust you." that i should "make them like that rag quilt place does - just some squares so you don't have to charge as much as you do."

somewhere along this wretched path people have gotten the idea i am from Nigeria or currently living in Nigeria. i can assure you that i live in the United States.

the messages that i have gotten have ranged from coercive to my teaching so i do not "bilk the bereaved" to hateful and saying i will surely go to Hell. i have done what my infuriated children and my husband's friend have said i should do. delete them all.

and i have. but the feeling of being whittled away lasts. like that awful thing said and one hopes no one heard, but then the echo comes around and you've heard it again. how many people have chatted each other up and condemned me for trying to make a living? yes, i charge for the quilts. the most largest and most expensive one i did was 9 feet by 10.5 feet. it had several - several - embroidered sentences and two hoodies for the little girl to be able to wear. i charged over $700 but under $800. i had only two and a half months to do it in. she had a special deadline. i worked upwards of 16 hours a day and met the deadline. i made $2.40 an hour.

i am crushed. there is nothing i can do. i have to keep my head up and try and remember that the people who have their quilts did not feel over-charged. i believe they really like their quilts. i think they do. no one has asked for their money back.

so i guess that leaves me with living inside my mind when i feel this hurt which is most of the time right now. i know it will pass. it will all go away and i will be forgotten which is not as pleasing as it sounds since i need word of mouth to let people know i am here and can make the quilts. tangible solace. or so i thought. it never occurred to me i could be viewed as a vulture.

maybe i should change my brochures. add a tag line.

RenaissanceArtist

Quilts and other Textile Art

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

it is the middle of the afternoon. i have had lunch. i had a grilled cheese cut into very small pieces. i am hungry again. or still. i can't tell anymore. i posted a response to the letters on my Facebook page. some people have put up some nice comments. i made sure i thanked them.

i am going to get an iced tea and maybe try to eat some goldfish crackers. if you leave them on your tongue they get soft. then i am going back to work on a quilt.

so i guess things are fine here for me, a profiteer of death living in Nigeria.

while i sew i think i'll disappear into my mind. it's the only place where everything works out. it is the only place where i am wild and free.

Monday night ~ i miss my Dragon

i am back from "the visit." nothing to say about it except i am back. my thoughts are chaotic but it's fine. it's all going to be fine.

i walked into the apartment and took Scootie Wootums and Carmen Sophia out for a bit. the moon is 77% full. the 31st will be a full moon. i talked to him up there but all i heard was another voice that grates and grates. but i'm fine. it's all going to be fine. i'm just tired tonight.

i went back inside and took an Advil. i sat down for a minute and then got up to set up Bunny and Dragon to symbolize what i'd really like to have happening tonight. right now. i wish he were here. i really do. i just want him to hold me but i know that this embrace will never happen again. still, i have to admit that i stared at the photo until i started crying. finally.

"things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what have been carefully hidden."

he's like that, you know, the one who met us for dinner tonight. what is there can be hidden deep if he wants it to be. but i know it's there and knowing what's out there in the darkness helps me to prepare to meet it head on. after a skirmish though, i am always tired, drained. but it's over and nothing heinous happened. SSDD.

i miss my Dragon.