how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Monday night ~ i miss my Dragon

i am back from "the visit." nothing to say about it except i am back. my thoughts are chaotic but it's fine. it's all going to be fine.

i walked into the apartment and took Scootie Wootums and Carmen Sophia out for a bit. the moon is 77% full. the 31st will be a full moon. i talked to him up there but all i heard was another voice that grates and grates. but i'm fine. it's all going to be fine. i'm just tired tonight.

i went back inside and took an Advil. i sat down for a minute and then got up to set up Bunny and Dragon to symbolize what i'd really like to have happening tonight. right now. i wish he were here. i really do. i just want him to hold me but i know that this embrace will never happen again. still, i have to admit that i stared at the photo until i started crying. finally.
"things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what have been carefully hidden."

he's like that, you know, the one who met us for dinner tonight. what is there can be hidden deep if he wants it to be. but i know it's there and knowing what's out there in the darkness helps me to prepare to meet it head on. after a skirmish though, i am always tired, drained. but it's over and nothing heinous happened. SSDD.

i miss my Dragon.


Chillin' with Lemonade said...

holy crap. That is all I can muster up to say. It's just not freaking fair.


twinmom said...

I'm glad you're okay. I wish Dragon was there with you too.

Dan, in real time. said...

I can't take that longing feeling away, but I can say I'm feeling the same way. It gets very frustrating, knowing what we want/need will never again be.

take care.


p.s. a candle still burns for you each night

womanNshadows said...

Chillin, there was a fairly famous song during my teen years. "i never promised you a rose garden." no, it's not really fair, but maybe better me who only lost a lot of herself rather than someone who would lose all of herself. last night was only a "drive-by." it's over.

twinmom, thanks. i wish he were here, too, but he left behind only good things. he loves me and i have that knowledge, and knowledge is power.

Dan, longing, like every other bad feeling, must be faced alone. i can't fight it so i acknowledge it, "be on speaking terms with it for i'll see a lot of it and it's best to treat it as an acquaintance rather than an adversary." i'm sorry you're feeling this right now as well. it makes simple things very hard. thank you for the candle. since Christmas i light several every day, blowing them out only when i walk my dogs, or go to bed.

peace and love to all of you.

judemiller1 said...

Thanks for letting me know when the full moon will be--I don't want to miss it, as I look at it and send you good wishes and strength, knowing you are looking at the same moon. You are so much stronger than I ever was or could hope to be.

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