the woman downstairs died today

the woman who lived downstairs from me died today. she was 63.

she was the first person to speak to me after i moved here, and the only one who ever has. she liked my dogs. Ms. Carmen Sophia of the Joyful Yelp and Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance were her special friends and she loved talking to them and petting them. it's funny. they are crazy babies for everyone, but for her, they were gentle and demure.

Memorial Day she threw pebbles at my sliders to get my attention. she could not climb stairs so she threw little stones. i went downstairs and she gave me a poppy she had gotten at the store while she had been out. she knows my Dragon is a Marine and she wanted me to know she was remembering his service. i got teary and she hugged me.

she lived alone and she died alone. she was a widow whose only child had died two years after her husband. she has a niece who lives in California. because of her infirmities she had in-home help that came twice a week to clean her apartment and get her groceries. one of them found her at noon today. i became aware of the tragedy when police cars and the fire truck and the ambulance came rushing up. the apartment manager let everyone in and then there was no more rushing about.

you can tell when the emergency is no longer an emergency by the way people act. 3 hours later i watched them take her out of her apartment for the last time. no one who loved her was standing there to keep vigil like i had done with my Dragon. i did watch from my glass sliders and whispered goodbye to her. i cried for her, but i do not know if that counts at all. she is gone and free of the limitations and pains of this life here.

i fed my dogs and walked them. her wreath for the summer season is still on her door. her welcome mat is still on the concrete outside. all is quiet. i can almost imagine she is sitting inside watching television wondering what to get herself for supper.

almost.

there are things i could say, things that are floating through my mind right now, but i am too upset about so many things to express them. i do not know what to say except this:

the woman downstairs died today, and she was a lovely soul. private and independent, still she had noticed me living upstairs alone and we kind of kept up with each other. i went and got her mail for her. if she was going to her car for a doctor's appointment and i was out with the dogs she always stopped to speak to me. this is probably not true and only my perception but it seemed she died alone and will be unremarked upon, so i wanted to let someone know that she lived near me and had been kind to me.

she died and i am sad.

her name was Carolyn.

all to myself

it has been a long, long, very long week. there will be another one next week. and, God willing and the creek don't rise, another one after that. and not because i am alone.

i know how to live alone. i have proven over the last 14 months that i can endure enormous amounts of time utterly alone. i big part of the overall grief network has little to do with my situation. i had my children in my 20s. they are grown therefore i cannot include myself in the conversations of widows(ers) with children at home. i do not work outside my apartment so there are no work stories. i am not elderly nor am i youthful. we had not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years so i am excluded from the "years and years together" crowd. we came to each other late. we missed so much together and were busy making good use of the time we had. we were in love and we love each other. both of those definitions. but now, now i am a middle-aged woman who lost the only man she will be capable of loving.

so i know how to live alone. i am hurting because i have to live without him. the accumulation of all these days, weeks, months without him to talk to is getting to me.

i tripped outside yesterday. some hole in the ground that the recently cut grass covered. it jars you, that kind of fall? it jars your ribs and your shoulders. i protected my knees though. i already have bone chips floating around there. i do not want anymore. my ankle is swollen today though. i have to walk the dogs in my duck house slippers. i duct taped a sock to it for support. my hand has a nice bruise but i can grip. i can sew.

he would have fussed over me. not gushed. Marines do not gush. but he would have done a manly fussing over me. "do you want more tea?" "here's the remote." "what color thread? where do you keep the thread anyway?" "why are you smiling at me and why do you want the camera?" i would be ensconced in bed right now, in the safety and comfort of his arms instead of waiting for Captain Generic to kick in.

i did not even bother to tell my daughter. no good would come from it. she would worry that i am fumbling around over here, a graceless clod. i cannot let her worry about me. i am sure life has some perfectly heinous thing waiting for me and i will really need her. i will not cry wolf until there really is a wolf at the door. sorry. pity party over.

"if i am alone now, it's by design. i only own myself, but all of me is mine."

i have thought about this. i have thought it through. another man? my stomach churns. having some man hold my hand again? my heart flutters in panic. how many men out there have hands as rough and scarred as his? how many have that laugh that made my heart dance? how many have that smile that made me so weak? how many have stories like his? how many dragons are there out there?

i was married to a man with soft hands. a pretty boy with a dark side. i was not looking for anyone when i met my Dragon. a rugged man who knew the ins and outs of darkness and yet, his soul is so bright and warm. no fire burned as hot as his vitality and sense of fun and adventure. he has mad skills. magic. he is magic.

i miss him. i long for his company. that face that looks at me, incredulous that i want, need to have, absolutely must take another picture of him.

my daughter tries so very hard to make sure. i cannot stress her with this. i cannot call on her for the company i would like to have. the companionship i want to have ........

.........is him. i only want to talk about him. i guess it is because i live alone.

"all to myself i find the way

back to each golden yesterday,

faring in fancy until i stand

clasping your ready, loving hand;

the picture seems half true, half dream,

and i keep its color and its gleam

all to myself.

all to myself i hum again

fragments of some old-time refrain,

something that comes at fancy's choice,

and i hear the cadence of your voice:

sometimes 'tis dim, sometimes 'tis clear,

but i keep the music that i hear

all to myself.
all to myself i hold and know

all of the days of long ago --

wonderful days when you and i

owned all the sunshine in the sky:

the days come back as the old days will,

and i keep their tingle and their thrill

all to myself.

all to myself! my love, do you

count all the memories softly, too?

summer and autumn, winter, spring,

the hopes we cherish and everything?

they course my veins as a draft divine,

and i keep them wholly, solely mine --

all to myself.
all to myself i think of you,

think of the things we used to do,

think of the things we used to say,

think of each happy, bygone day;

sometimes i sigh and sometimes i smile,

but i keep each olden, golden while

all to myself."
i love you, Dragon. i'm still here, breathing, living; just not as much living. not like i did with you. i am not fun anymore. i am not happy anymore. i am not whole anymore. i am sorry. i just really need you to "come through the darkness and save me, for i am alone."

Bunny's Mansion ~ part three

we here at Lifestyles of the Small and Insignificant would like to say, "we were wrong." we said there would be three entries but there will be four. we - drum roll - apologize. now how many people say that and mean it? few. but we are part of the few. we are proud to stand with the mistake-makers and say, "we were wrong and we APOLOGIZE!" raise your hands with us and .... okay, we're getting carried away.

this will be the next to last entry. so here is today.

Bunny's kitchen. it is behind Bunny's famous chair and shares the wall with her studio. a more lavish yet practical layout we have yet to see.

see her pictures and magnets on her refrigerator? and see all the flags on top? she loves Old Glory. she loves pictures. Bunny loves color. all the white drives her crazy so she covers as much of it up as possible.

sitting beside her Mr. Coffee tea maker, Bunny goes public with the awareness that she drinks green tea all day every day. she is quite the tea drinker, and an underground one at that. that is until C. Everett Koop declared his love of tea and Bunny came out from underneath the tea leaves. now she's an unabashed, and unapologetic we might add, tea drinker.

her dogs have their dishes on the floor beside their water bowl. all is neat and tidy in her little kitchen.

ah, so, that's it we guess. ah, okay. on the wall above Bunny are her photos of her moon. all across her wall. moon after moon after moon.....

poor Bunny. she wishes she didn't have so many moons.

stepping out of the kitchen we glance to the left and see Bunny's long hallway. Bunny used to have the bamboo bead curtains loose but her silly Scotties kept running back and forth through them. when she told them to stop, they would. but then she would turn her back and hear those beads again and again. and she'd hear toenails digging into the carpet as they wheeled and turned, pivoting like football players out on the field doing agility drills.

along the doorknobs to two closets, you can see Bunny's bags. Bunny loves bags. she has 5 of them. crazy Bunny. they are all so old but she keeps them anyway. a girl has to have a bag.

and then there is the curtain of mystery. it softens the entrance to the lonely room behind it. the long, lovely wrap is a deep violet and has gold metallic threads and clusters of red and gold crystal beads. it was a gift from Bunny's beloved Dragon. he got it during one of his little trips out of the country. he couldn't say where but he had gone through a little town's bazaar and bought it for her. he brought it home with him and that was the most important thing to Bunny. it had been a dangerous trip he had had to go on but he had come home. as her Dragon had explained to Bunny, "i had to make it back. i had already bought the scarf thing whatever this is. i'm not good with this stuff. i just know it was pretty and you'd like it."

Bunny loves her Dragon and thinks he is so cute.

and last peek this posting, the next to last posting, is Bunny's ladies room. now here is where absolutely no magic happens. Bunny is so laid back that she doesn't wear makeup. she never has. lip balm and moisterizer, a brush through the hair, and the teeth, and Bunny is ready to meet the Queen. Bunny quips, "inner beauty will have to do." such a philosophical lady.

there are photos of lighthouses on the wall as well as photos of her Dragon. if you click to enlarge the photo you will see her Dragon's hairbrush and his toothbrush sitting side by side with Bunny's things. it's not weird. it's comforting.

some of Bunny's necklaces are hanging on the wall and her earring collection sits on the cabinet top. Bunny used to teach 3 and 4 year old preschool and art to kindergarten through 8th grade so she loved wearing all the crazy earrings her students would give her as gifts. dangling flamingos, cows, dragons. Bunny wears them. Bunny is such a fun person to know, such a crazy girl.

once again we are at the end. we hope you enjoyed this part of the tour. and - ahem - forgive us for the misunderstanding about the, ah, number of postings to show all of Bunny's mansion. we are, after all, human.

tomorrow, there will be 4 photos. it will be the last room of Bunny's mansion, her bedroom. she has a proud announcement that she will make tomorrow about it. she's done something that is a step towards getting better. we'll all just have to wait until tomorrow. Bunny sure knows how to drag this out. just as we were getting bored to tears she announces that she has an announcement. now we have to come back just to see what has happened.

for now, this is Lifestyles of the Small and Insignificant saying Carpe Diem.