home is where the heart it

my mind is somewhere else these days.

it's not here with me anymore.

it's back by the ocean i left behind,

and my heart is so very sore.

i want to go home to the cove now.

i want this bad dream to end.

just sit by his side looking out on forever

so my broken heart can mend.

it's almost midnight for me and my back aches. my hands hurt. my heart is wobbly.

i'll be direct. i want him. i want to go home. i want to sit in the den and look out at the ocean in the sunlight. i want to see the lighthouse flash all night. i want to hear the waves on the rocks below. the gulls cried and the wind rushed by and together forever seemed easy to hold in the palms of our hands.

how wrong we were.

the long week starts

i've been working all day. the long week alone is in full swing. no visitors unless i send up an SOS to my daughter. the last widow who kept up with me in any way has finally fallen by the wayside. no more contact from her. no responses to my phone calls or emails. it is my fault. i did not nurture her or take care of her as she wished. she wanted me to call her everyday to check on her and i did not. i admit that my nerves were frayed from her criticism of my life. i had an opportunity at a friend, but i let it slip through my fingers. to be honest, i didn't want to try. she wanted me to weave a net under her to keep her emotions safe and i don't know if i have enough to weave my own. *sigh* mea culpa.

i find, though, that i don't feel bad about it and i wonder what that says about me. i'm tired and i'm sad and it's been almost a year without my Dragon. my only contact with the outside world is through my daughter and through here. most of the time i'm fine with that. every once in a while it makes me melancholy.

i sit out on my balcony and stare at ....... other apartments. cars. the sky.

there is no ocean here. no salt in the air. it's kinda sad, every time we go to Wal-Mart i see the seagulls that scavenge through the garbage. they're scavengers by nature but somehow being this far inland, at a Wal-Mart, it's depressing. i like going out to get food, but i am relieved to get back. in my apartment there are shells, and driftwood, and rocks. it's a faux beach.

but the week alone is in full swing. i won't see anyone, anyone being my daughter, until next Monday. and that Monday will be the 8th. the start.

i'm sewing, beading, embroidering, creating. it's my legacy, i guess. that and my children. and my love for my Dragon.

oh, God, i miss him so much. it's coming and the pain is rising inside me. he's gone and he's not coming back. i'm a widow. i don't want to be a widow. i want to be his wife. i want to be with him. i want to be standing on the beach in the cold New England air with him adjusting my hat and my scarf. i want to hear his voice ask me, "are you getting cold? do you want to go on or go in?" i want to look up into his face and see his eyes crinkle in a smile. i want to see that piercing look as he makes his own judgement call because he knows i'll want to keep walking and taking photos. and whatever he decided was what i'd do because i love him. i'd follow him anywhere.
i'd follow him forever. even to the moon.

i've put up a link on the right to one of my favorite songs. it's under my Dragon's Moon. i hope you like it.

Heaven ~ where and what

see that tree that stands alone in the fog? that's me. i took this photo with my Dragon standing behind me. i thought the tree looked heartbreakingly poetic. my Dragon thought she looked stalwart. little did i know then that that tree would become symbolic of me. my heart is broken. i can sometimes throw a rhyme together. but i am not very stalwart. i am, however, becoming stoic. people never cease to dismay me.

but i am not stoic when i think about Heaven. it was the second thing that hit me when they brought me in to sit with him after he died. first, i thought, "he's so quiet. he's gone. he really left." then i thought about where he was at that moment. was he still lingering? was he seeing me see him? did he know what i did with my wedding ring?

my rings were made by our favorite artist, Jes MaHarry. my wedding ring is hammered copper with a gold heart and silver leaves. it speaks to all the years we were planning together, all the passing seasons, of our hair turning silver with our age, and of eternity. when my Dragon slipped the ring on my finger, the heart was turned outward to him. sitting there holding his hand after he died, i talked to him. just him and me. i took my ring off and turned the heart so that it faced inward, to me. i told him i would always be his wife. my heart is closed off from ever wanting anyone else. no one can walk where the Dragon walked. no one can come close to what he means to me. it wouldn't be fair to anyone to let them try.

i've been told i'm speaking out of turn, that it's too early. i will be 52 years old next month. i've been through all kinds of hell that i would never touch on here. i know my own mind and heart. i will be the Dragon's wife here in this life until i stop breathing.

but i am lost without him here. and where is he? i've always had faith. but then it was easy. "sure there's a Heaven. it's a beautiful place where there's no more pain, or fear, or death. we'll all be together in Heaven."

well, a book i just read said, "there is no marriage is Heaven. you will know your spouse but in the way God intended. but you will not be married to him. you will each have your service to God in Heaven."

i sobbed. not married to my Dragon? what kind of Heaven is that? i have and am combing dogma, scripture, doctrines, everything i can find to get some kind of sane hold on Heaven. but the Bible speaks in symbolism and analogies. it's cryptic. we're not meant to know. and my fear is so tangible. i've tried to be decent all my life. i've prayed. i've sacrificed. i've never sought vengeance. i've ducked my head and turned away from vexing people, from people who would and did hurt me. i pray for forgiveness of my sins, any sins my children may commit, and the sins of my Dragon. i pray for him very often.

i'm alone. always alone. i can do that. the dogs think i'm talking to them.

so why would i be punished? why would i not be allowed to be his wife? why will we be separated? we always worked better as a team.

it is my hope, what i cling to, that God gives us each the Heaven we pray for. i want the sun to clear the fog from around me.

i want it to light the path that i feel most comfortable on and am most familiar with, the driveway to our house by the ocean. this one or something like it:
i hope i get to see a quasi-familiar place that brings such gladness to my soul that i shine brighter than a womanNshadows could ever imagine of shining on earth.
i want to experience all seasons God made. i want to be with my Dragon. maybe God would allow me to paint some sunrises, or sew quilts for the babies that go to Heaven, like my first baby. i wonder if i'll get to ask questions; like ask my mother why she hit me so much, why she made me so afraid of her.

but mostly i just want to be with my Dragon, and to have my first baby back. Quinn. it's been so long since i've told anyone his name. my gift to myself. twenty-six years ago, he was taken from me. i'd like to hold him again. AND i'd like to know that he knows who i am and that he will be allowed to still be my son.

i wish i knew something that someone knows that gives me some kind of faith that families can be families in Heaven. no marriage? no families? how could that book say that? why did i read it?

i should just turn around and go shoot myself in the foot. i really didn't need to read that right now. i was searching for something to hang on to. now i'm struggling to just hang on.
i just have to calm down and think of my island and my Dragon waiting for me. and Quinn. oh, Lord. i have to go lay down now.

3 AM

i've been trying to sleep. i can't. obviously. i miss him. i miss him lying beside me. when i had bouts of insomnia i could sneak and hold his hand, or snuggle up against him and smell his skin, feel his warmth, listen to his breathing, and see the rise and fall of his chest in the soft light of the nightlight. his hand would always squeeze mine to let me know he knew i needed him. sometimes he would sleepily whisper, "you okay?" i'd kiss his shoulder and whisper, "yeah." there would be a soft smile that played out over his lips and he would settle back into his deep sleep. i would be reassured. i would be able to fall asleep.

i love him so much. i still cry everyday. one week shy of 6 months and i cry everyday. i have trouble sleeping.

i have my work, the Memory Quilts. i am busy helping my daughter with her wedding. i've got sewing up the wazoo to do. busy days. tired at the end. i have a new friend. she called tonight and we made plans to go out to dinner tomorrow....well, tonight. i'm looking forward to that.

but i love him so much i ache. my heart cries out his name. sometimes i can't not say his name out loud. my dogs look at me. they know that name. they recognize the longing i am feeling, the unrest.

it's 3 AM and i'm up writing yet wishing i was reaching for his hand, smelling his neck and feeling his smile at the eccentric behavior. i loved his smell. right at the curve of his neck to his shoulder. he could have showered with the most flowery soap and yet still smell like the woods or Old Spice or something. he always smelled so good. i'm wishing i could see his chest rise and fall. feel him turn to me and wrap his arms around me, or if his back was to me and he didn't want to change positions, pull my arm around him and hold my hand in his. i'd lay my head against his back and hear his heart beat.

he had the strongest heartbeat. until it gave out that night 5 months and 3 weeks ago tonight.

my heart is crying out for him tonight. i wouldn't mind being back in our old, old house in Rockport by Whale Cove with a cold wind blowing outside and him on the sofa where he liked to recline while watching television. i'd sit in my chair beside him sewing, and sneaking pictures of him until he told me to put the camera down and come lay with him. there on that sofa, while he watched television, in his arms, my head on his strong chest, there i could sleep.

i am going to go back to bed and close my eyes and lie to myself that that is where i am. then maybe i'll get a little bit of sleep.