how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

the long week starts

i've been working all day. the long week alone is in full swing. no visitors unless i send up an SOS to my daughter. the last widow who kept up with me in any way has finally fallen by the wayside. no more contact from her. no responses to my phone calls or emails. it is my fault. i did not nurture her or take care of her as she wished. she wanted me to call her everyday to check on her and i did not. i admit that my nerves were frayed from her criticism of my life. i had an opportunity at a friend, but i let it slip through my fingers. to be honest, i didn't want to try. she wanted me to weave a net under her to keep her emotions safe and i don't know if i have enough to weave my own. *sigh* mea culpa.

i find, though, that i don't feel bad about it and i wonder what that says about me. i'm tired and i'm sad and it's been almost a year without my Dragon. my only contact with the outside world is through my daughter and through here. most of the time i'm fine with that. every once in a while it makes me melancholy.

i sit out on my balcony and stare at ....... other apartments. cars. the sky.
there is no ocean here. no salt in the air. it's kinda sad, every time we go to Wal-Mart i see the seagulls that scavenge through the garbage. they're scavengers by nature but somehow being this far inland, at a Wal-Mart, it's depressing. i like going out to get food, but i am relieved to get back. in my apartment there are shells, and driftwood, and rocks. it's a faux beach.

but the week alone is in full swing. i won't see anyone, anyone being my daughter, until next Monday. and that Monday will be the 8th. the start.
i'm sewing, beading, embroidering, creating. it's my legacy, i guess. that and my children. and my love for my Dragon.

oh, God, i miss him so much. it's coming and the pain is rising inside me. he's gone and he's not coming back. i'm a widow. i don't want to be a widow. i want to be his wife. i want to be with him. i want to be standing on the beach in the cold New England air with him adjusting my hat and my scarf. i want to hear his voice ask me, "are you getting cold? do you want to go on or go in?" i want to look up into his face and see his eyes crinkle in a smile. i want to see that piercing look as he makes his own judgement call because he knows i'll want to keep walking and taking photos. and whatever he decided was what i'd do because i love him. i'd follow him anywhere.
i'd follow him forever. even to the moon.

i've put up a link on the right to one of my favorite songs. it's under my Dragon's Moon. i hope you like it.

4 comments:

Dan, in real time. said...

As to your rhetorical question, 'what that says about you...' it says that you know how to set boundaries. I remember your last interaction with the widow that came calling. You made the right decision not to serve her needs.

As for the rest, I hope the days ahead can be gentle for you. Try taking them one day at a time. I know the week likely looks like a huge grief giant, but if you keep focused on one day at a time, it might be easier on you. I know it won't be easy.

When I first saw your bunny with her head band, I thought she was a Ninja. She appears to be standing(sitting) guard over your home.
There are many of us that stand guard with her.

Dan

Widow in the Middle said...

A real friendship is based on reciprocity. That would mean giving to you at times without the expectation of getting anything back. I've always felt that these women from the grief group wanted you to do all the work and weren't willing to just be there for you in return. All taking and no giving. It is very sad that you haven't gotten to meet people better suited for real and mature friendship, especially when you have needed it the most.

I know you have a lot to gear up for emotionally ahead. I hated when people would give me glib phrases of comfort so I'll refrain. But I will be here to listen to whatever you have to say and hope that helps.

womanNshadows said...

i'm pretty sorrowful today and words fail me. i can only say thank you to the both of you.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Friend,
Sometimes we just need to be alone.
It's okay.
It's going to be okay.
Some friends are fake, and bless you for recognizing that.
I always wish I could do more, but I do care, you don't need to bolster me, and I want you to be well as you can during this anniversary period. I'm so sorry.
We've been ill, not blogging, and now another dang snow day, so my mind is weak. But my heart is listening.
Love you!
X
Supa

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