how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

home is where the heart it

my mind is somewhere else these days.
it's not here with me anymore.
it's back by the ocean i left behind,
and my heart is so very sore.

i want to go home to the cove now.
i want this bad dream to end.
just sit by his side looking out on forever
so my broken heart can mend.

it's almost midnight for me and my back aches. my hands hurt. my heart is wobbly.

i'll be direct. i want him. i want to go home. i want to sit in the den and look out at the ocean in the sunlight. i want to see the lighthouse flash all night. i want to hear the waves on the rocks below. the gulls cried and the wind rushed by and together forever seemed easy to hold in the palms of our hands.

how wrong we were.


Dan, in real time. said...

Your poem is lovely. The sentiment is so pure and graceful.

I pray for you aching heart.

Love. Dan

Suddenwidow said...

Your poem is beautiful and your ache is so real and so raw. I understand. It is horrible, almost unbearable at times. But like the tide it recedes sometimes to give us room to catch our breath before it washes over us again. I'm here with you, with snorkel gear for when we need it. Keep breathing. The water is getting deeper for you this week but I have my snorkel here for when you need it.

Love Deb

Widow in the Middle said...

Sometimes I think pictures say far more than words. I look at those you have up on this blog and see one of your two darling little dog companions. In the photo it looks like Bunny is creating a work of art for one of your Guardian Angels. The little bits of what I've seen of your home show bookshelves full of good books to read. There are handcrafted throws and your fantastic artwork. So many photos of your beloved Dragon, all works of art. I hope when you see them that you do not hurt too much and that they provide you with love and peace. You are not near the ocean but have parts of it with you such as shells and driftwood.

It seems as though you have created a haven within your home that is full of love and happy memories. Your days are spent creating comfort for others. In your spare time you are working on gifts for your friends. Those are all such loving acts of kindness generated by your creative and loving spirit.

I hope in the days ahead that the walls and possessions that surround you provide you with strength and internal support. I pray that all that is good and positive in your life meets up to embrace you - that your home becomes your fortress to supplement the words of support coming from Dan, Deb and everyone else who loves and cares for you.

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