how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Heaven ~ where and what

see that tree that stands alone in the fog? that's me. i took this photo with my Dragon standing behind me. i thought the tree looked heartbreakingly poetic. my Dragon thought she looked stalwart. little did i know then that that tree would become symbolic of me. my heart is broken. i can sometimes throw a rhyme together. but i am not very stalwart. i am, however, becoming stoic. people never cease to dismay me.

but i am not stoic when i think about Heaven. it was the second thing that hit me when they brought me in to sit with him after he died. first, i thought, "he's so quiet. he's gone. he really left." then i thought about where he was at that moment. was he still lingering? was he seeing me see him? did he know what i did with my wedding ring?

my rings were made by our favorite artist, Jes MaHarry. my wedding ring is hammered copper with a gold heart and silver leaves. it speaks to all the years we were planning together, all the passing seasons, of our hair turning silver with our age, and of eternity. when my Dragon slipped the ring on my finger, the heart was turned outward to him. sitting there holding his hand after he died, i talked to him. just him and me. i took my ring off and turned the heart so that it faced inward, to me. i told him i would always be his wife. my heart is closed off from ever wanting anyone else. no one can walk where the Dragon walked. no one can come close to what he means to me. it wouldn't be fair to anyone to let them try.

i've been told i'm speaking out of turn, that it's too early. i will be 52 years old next month. i've been through all kinds of hell that i would never touch on here. i know my own mind and heart. i will be the Dragon's wife here in this life until i stop breathing.

but i am lost without him here. and where is he? i've always had faith. but then it was easy. "sure there's a Heaven. it's a beautiful place where there's no more pain, or fear, or death. we'll all be together in Heaven."

well, a book i just read said, "there is no marriage is Heaven. you will know your spouse but in the way God intended. but you will not be married to him. you will each have your service to God in Heaven."

i sobbed. not married to my Dragon? what kind of Heaven is that? i have and am combing dogma, scripture, doctrines, everything i can find to get some kind of sane hold on Heaven. but the Bible speaks in symbolism and analogies. it's cryptic. we're not meant to know. and my fear is so tangible. i've tried to be decent all my life. i've prayed. i've sacrificed. i've never sought vengeance. i've ducked my head and turned away from vexing people, from people who would and did hurt me. i pray for forgiveness of my sins, any sins my children may commit, and the sins of my Dragon. i pray for him very often.

i'm alone. always alone. i can do that. the dogs think i'm talking to them.

so why would i be punished? why would i not be allowed to be his wife? why will we be separated? we always worked better as a team.

it is my hope, what i cling to, that God gives us each the Heaven we pray for. i want the sun to clear the fog from around me.
i want it to light the path that i feel most comfortable on and am most familiar with, the driveway to our house by the ocean. this one or something like it:
i hope i get to see a quasi-familiar place that brings such gladness to my soul that i shine brighter than a womanNshadows could ever imagine of shining on earth.
i want to experience all seasons God made. i want to be with my Dragon. maybe God would allow me to paint some sunrises, or sew quilts for the babies that go to Heaven, like my first baby. i wonder if i'll get to ask questions; like ask my mother why she hit me so much, why she made me so afraid of her.

but mostly i just want to be with my Dragon, and to have my first baby back. Quinn. it's been so long since i've told anyone his name. my gift to myself. twenty-six years ago, he was taken from me. i'd like to hold him again. AND i'd like to know that he knows who i am and that he will be allowed to still be my son.

i wish i knew something that someone knows that gives me some kind of faith that families can be families in Heaven. no marriage? no families? how could that book say that? why did i read it?

i should just turn around and go shoot myself in the foot. i really didn't need to read that right now. i was searching for something to hang on to. now i'm struggling to just hang on.
i just have to calm down and think of my island and my Dragon waiting for me. and Quinn. oh, Lord. i have to go lay down now.


judemiller1 said...

I have read that too...but I read it is because when we get to Heaven we will not be concerned with what "was" or "is" on earth. We will all be kindred souls--alike in everything. Probably not even have a gender? BUT--then again---who knows that for sure? and if it is that way when we get to Heaven...we won't care either.

Yes...I think at 52 you are way to young to say never, but that is exactly what my grandma said at 48 and she remained unmarried for another 30 years. is however you want to live your life--it is your choice and that is the way it should be.

Daniel Cano said...

I think that when you say your heart is closed off from ever loving again, you are being authentic and honest. You can only speak from where you are today, and today this is your truth. Right now your heart is filled with your Dragon's love. Whose to say what your heart is capable of in years to come. Only you.

I need to believe in a God that provides us with what we need. People have been interpreting what the bible says since it was first written. You are as much an expert on what heaven is, as is anyone else.

If you need to read it from a book, copy my words and insert them into a book of your own.

In my heaven you are married to Dragon. You are very happy together, and life on your island is sunny and beautiful. In the distance I can hear the innocent joy of a child. He knows you as his mother. You know him as your Quinn.

As for your image of the lone tree, I too often feel alone. I can see through the mist that there are other near me, yet I experience myself as alone.

Widow in the Middle said...

The book "The Lovely Bones" portrayed the most beautiful image of Heaven that I have encountered. Everything that you love and hold most dear on Earth is what Heaven becomes. So it is a different place for everyone. This is a very tough book to read but the hopeful image of Heaven is why I finished it. The author was able to combine the difficult subjects of death and Heaven together - I found that inspiring.

People say unhelpful things to us or we read something that just doesn't speak to what we believe. That is okay. We need to put these comments aside and to focus on what is in our heart. That is what I have come to know as truth.

womanNshadows said...

jude, i can only live, then die, and then face what is. but it is my hope that the sacrament of marriage is embraced in Heaven. i want my Dragon. but acceptance is part of faith and Heaven.

Daniel, i have too many scars from the past, literal ones, that i simply do not think i could ever face explaining all over again. my Dragon was furious with rage at the person who inflicted and so very gentle with me. but showing and explaining takes it's toll and facing those demons with my Dragon was a sanctuary that i doubt i will be presented with ever again. i just need him. as for Heaven, i can only pray that i am allowed to be with him again. and Quinn, it brings me to my knees.

widow in the middle, i've read that book and indeed it is difficult to get through. the mundane way the killer is handled is priceless. i, too, liked the book. not reading or hearing something that i like is what we all face. "we can't always get what we want, but sometimes, we get what we need." =0}

Boo said...

I only know one thing. And that is that NOBODY on earth knows what happens when we die. So whatever you read or hear, you can discount if you don't identify with it.

For me, I think of Cliff as flitting about the cosmos seeing wondrous sights, with no danger, for he has left behind his corporeal body. Sometimes I itch to cast mine aside, I mean, I get impatient because I want to join him on his magical adventures now. And then I think, ah well, this time here and now till I get there will pale into insignificance compared to eternity :-)

Please don't take those words to heart. The person who wrote them really doesn't have a clue what happens.

And anyway, how can two people who are joined in mind, thought and soul and in their hearts ever be anything else?

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