Bunny has left the building & the "almost 2nd year blues"

my Bunny girl has been mailed to Canada. she is gone. i know she will have the time of her life, but i miss her already. i am so attached to these Bunnies. it is silliness, but there it is.

let me know when she arrives and departs, and arrives and departs, you get the picture.

bye Bunny Bun Bun. write me. save those postcards. email me those photos.

be careful. have fun, but be careful.

*sigh* i am really losing it.

"you think that the despair will stop you cold, but it doesn't: it wraps itself up in a dark corner somewhere inside and forces the rest of your system to function, to take care of the practical matters, which may not be important but which keep you going, which guarantee that you are still, somehow, alive. ~ Peter Hoeg, Smilla's Sense of Snow

It is an imperfect process, getting over loss. ~ unknown

There is eloquence in screaming. ~ Patrick Jones

can i tell you how it's been? i work all the time and that's good. Build-A-Bear is a blessing. i get paid to make children, and the young at heart, happy. i get to build bears and bunnies and tigers. i get to dress them. i get to be, for a few minutes, special to some people.

but i ache inside. i feel hollowed out. time is passing and i don't curse it or wish it to pass faster. i just don't care. food tastes okay. television is okay. nothing moves me though. nothing really touches me. i feel like a very small soul sitting in the dark and i do not know how large the place i am sitting in is. my voice echoes when i cry, scream, even sigh. and i don't care.

i want him back. still. i miss holding his hand. i miss snuggling up to his warmth in bed. i miss his laugh. i miss his cooking. i miss his beard. i miss his eyes looking at me. i miss him. and yes, i want him back.

i do not, however, wish to die before my dogs. they need me. they are so dependent on me. they love me and worry when i leave. they rush to the door when i return. they smile and jump and whine with joy when they see me. they need me so and i adore their fuzzy faces. we snuggle together on the sofa after a long day at work. each has their place on my legs so that it is a big deal to move.

i still cough. i wish i didn't. there was a few hours there that i thought i was going to die and i cried. my poor dogs. my poor children. but mostly, my poor dogs. i didn't want to leave them. but i wondered if my Dragon was hovering close to meet me. and i cried with worry that he wasn't. what if he's moved on? what if he's found some hot little angel in Heaven that's prettier than me? otc cold meds can make you think crazy stuff. the antibiotics also did some weird things to my thought process but at least i knew i was going to survive this bout.

i deeply miss my Dragon. he meant everything to me. i sometimes, honestly don't know, if i will ever feel anything again. will popcorn taste better later on in the year? will icing bring a smile to my face AFTER i get through February? when will the sun be bright? when will my laughter be real? when will i not hurt so much? after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral?

i am just ready to sit on the sofa with him like we used to do and let the world go by. cuddle with my Dragon and know i am loved. let his words fall softly on my ears and soothe my battered soul. lay my head back on his shoulder and feel his arms around me and feel safe. close my eyes and feel his strong heartbeat. feel his warmth, to once again be warm.

to finally be home.

never thought......

i never thought i'd feel this ill,

i never thought i'd be this tired,

i never thought i'd need you so

that you could not be with me.

i never thought i feel this misplaced

in a world i no longer know;

i never thought i'd be this weary

and not have you to hold me.

i never thought i'd be this old this young.

i never thought i'd be this young

and have to live without you.

i never thought you'd have to go.

we promised each other our whole lives

but "our" life ended too soon.

i'm ill and weary, lonely for you,

and there is nothing i can do.

stress, fear, grief

the full moon is returning. i get anxious for it. what if there is cloud cover? what if the new camera stops working? what if whatever is growling out there in the darkness comes out of the stand of trees and gets me? {another story. *sigh*}

i have a quilt in the frame to get finished in time for a young man to receive it before Christmas. what if my hand keeps cramping? what if the double quilting takes me longer? what if i get it to the post office too late? what if the mail is slow?

Build-A-Bear has not called. what if they do not want me? what if i do not ever get the chance to wear the blue blouse and build a bear for someone?

i have a job interview at Sears on Tuesday morning. what if they do not want me?

i have filled out a job application for Michael's Craft Store. what if they do not want me?

i am a f*cking artist! i can type between 78 and 88 wpm. i am detail oriented, meticulous with order, filing, notes, appointments. i have a crazy, off-the-charts memory. though no one who has met me in the widow world would believe me, in the business world i am on top of all my responsibilities. i will get the quilt done and to the post office in time if i have to work 24/7. i am intelligent, resourceful, on task, look for more work to stay busy and earn my keep. i have experience in a number of capacities. i can balance a spreadsheet. i can clean well enough for surgery. i can strategize for multiple problems. i am intuitive to people's moods and feelings. i would never say anything to hurt anyone. i think very hard before i speak. i would be good at customer service.

i have so many skills. why can i not get a job in the real world? my art is my life and soul but i need a steady stream of income. i need it yesterday. i was awesome at the interview at Build-A-Bear. the only thing was that i was not 18 - 21 like the other women were. i had more on the ball and answered first. those girls answered all their questions with the lame-assed, "well, like she said" and pointed to me! ah, nevermind. maybe Sears or Michael's will hire me, but what if they don't.

what if? what if? i am killing myself on the "what ifs."

i want to go home.
i want to go back to where he and i were. but different. i want the financial worries to be gone. i want him to have not had to go out on that last "out of town" trip that took so much out of him. i want to be safe financially. not wealthy. not rich. just safe. i want him to be safe and well. i want to be with him back where we were, haunting the water's edge, scavenging for treasures the ocean tosses up to see if we are paying attention.
i want his hands on my neck and shoulders. see, now that the clock is ticking and it is imperative that i find a job NOW, i work so hard to keep a clean apartment and to get these quilts done and the jeans done. if i am not working on something, if i stop work for the night before 10 PM i feel like i am lazy. i feel terrified that i am failing. and working on any commission work is not bringing me a weekly, or bi-monthly paycheck. i am terrified. i have panic attacks all through the day. it is my second job or i guess i multi-task. sew, send out resumes, fill out job applications, try to breathe.

if he were here we would figure this out together. if he were here i would deeply massage his tired muscles and in turn, he would gently massage my hands. he would deeply massage my neck and shoulders from being hunched over the sewing. if he were here someone would be touching me and i would not feel alone. my children are there and they are adults. thank God. but they are my children and i am supposed to take care of them. at least protect them. how can i protect them from you know who, from life, from everything that money can protect you from without having money? i cannot even take care of myself.
our life was not a fairy tale but it was as close as it could be without the money to feel secure. we loved. we loved each other. we loved where we lived. we loved the people we were getting to know. we loved the storms and the sunshine. we loved the seasons and our walks. we loved being with each other. every day was a blessing and we were working hard to build a future. his deal was falling through but the woman was charged with embezzlement and fraud. she is in prison, but my Dragon did not live to see that justice. he is removed from the pain of that and in a way, i am glad. but then i think about the time he was dying, and i wonder.

was he even cognitively processing? did he know he was dying? was he screaming in a voice no one heard that he could not leave me like this? did he die worried about me? that's when i shatter into a million pieces all over again. i want him to feel like his life was successful. i want him to know i love him and am proud of him. i want him to feel peace. i want him to forget the cruelties of this life and only know peace and relaxation and joy.

i hope Heaven has an ocean for him to be walking beside. and a place like Bearskin Neck. old places where passing time has no meaning.

i have been in a tailspin ever since he died. i am under so much stress, i am so afraid that i cannot grieve at times. i can only miss having him there to comfort me, help me, share with me the trials of life. i can only miss crawling into bed beside him "and all but your presence forget."

i am tired of fighting for a life. i would settle for an existence. i do not need much. my wants are fading with each passing day. dreams are something i write down in long hand in a journal that no one will see. trying to capture and keep hope close is like trying to light a trick candle. it is a cruel and embarrassing joke. i strike the match and the flame catches to the wick, but then it goes out. i keep striking match after match and i am running out of matches, and time. the darkness is coming, a dark so absolute i may as well be at the bottom of the Challenger Deep. it is a place where i will no longer be an artist. i will no longer be me. i will be prey. dramatic? maybe. truth? pretty close.

stress and fear are hindering my grief. i am not grieving. i am crying out for him to come and save me. Bunny's one long, single and only howl. please come back and save me, Dragon. i want to go home.

i need you, my darling, my darling

with it's yearning my very heart aches

the load that divides us weighs harder.

i shrink from the jar that it makes.

old sorrows rise up to beset me

old doubts make my spirit their own

oh, come through the darkness and save me

for i am alone.

Soul Widows Spiritual Retreat ~ Seven ~ Saturday ~ My Private Talk

i worked hard and with purpose on my journal cover. i felt a push inside me as i always do when i get to work. i admit i was quiet for some time as it fell into place for me but then i was more present with the other women. it is just that, well, it is a journal i fully intend to use and i wanted it to speak to that weekend, and him, and how i felt about it all. but mostly i wanted it to speak about him.
i put the old flag on it and the full moon. i also put a photo of star trails and then i found a castle. dragons like castles and just because you cannot see them does not mean they are not there. i put a photo of a rainbow over a waterfall in Hawaii. paradise on earth. i told them that i wanted this book to show that there was nothing he was afraid of. there was nothing he could not do.

he just could not stay.

we took a break in our art therapy to go shopping. well, the other women went shopping but i got to have a private conversation with our Fiery Fairy. i hope she knows how grateful i was.

time has always been a problem for me. at the old group, i had a literal 1 or 2 minutes. wtih the nun grief counselor at the Church, i had 55 minutes but she controlled the talk. she asked questions and i had to answer. she wanted to talk about ancient history. i wanted to talk about my Dragon. then i had the free therapy for 2 sessions. i got to talk but she did not see my anxiety. bless her heart, she was so overloaded with work. i could not add to her stress.

i know. i know. i am stressed, too, but her telling me i am doing very well in spite of my isolation and in spite of my financial duress, well, i knew her heart was not in it. and i need someone who sees something in me worth saving.

we went on a couple of errands for her and the sky was beautiful. while she got gas for her car, i stepped to the curb and took a breath. and took a photograph.

we went to a store for her to pick something up. i have not been in such a fancy store since my Dragon died. 21 months. i lightly touched scarves and blouses. i touched a nightgown that had embroidery on the yoke. so lovely. the store was in an old building and it had old wood floors. the sun was pouring in. i glanced around. no one was looking. i took this photograph. it seemed a metaphor for an open door before me and stepping out into the light, out of the cramped confines of my little apartment. it may never actually happen for me, but i have this photograph now that i can turn to and dream. sometimes all we need to keep are our dreams.
i talked. i told her one thing i have only told one other person. my Dragon. but this weekend was like flash paper. here and gone. i felt i had only one chance for someone else on this planet to know one of the terrible things that had happened to me to make me like i am. my Dragon, the one i had trusted with this story was not gone. i have been alone with it again. i am not alone with it anymore. the Fiery Fairy knows.
having someone know something about you that you never talk about but affects you every moment of every day is important. i told our grief counselor about something that happened to me when i was a little girl. a long, long time ago. a long, long time to carry this alone. my Dragon knew and he wept. he held me and it felt good that someone finally knew this. when i told our Fiery Fairy she was upset for me. i do not know really what she thought of it since i did sort of dance over it, but i think she was horrified. i kinda hope so. i needed someone else to know this. i had kept it to myself for 40 years. then for 8 years i had my Dragon to hold me. i do not regret telling her. i do regret that i danced on it though. it really is more important to me than that. it changed who i was. but at least there is one other person in the world who knows. i am not alone.

i had walked out onto the porch alone for a moment. this wreath of tin stars caught my eye. it is weathered and beautiful. it made me smile. after a day of revealing one of my two darkest secrets, i had to take a moment to be outside where the world is old and time passes with care. the star wreath grounded me back to the porch. it is whimsical. i need whimsy in my life. it is my daily therapy. Bunny and her moods and her way of speaking in third person. distance. whimsy creates distance for me from the pain.

hey, some people drink themselves into a stupor. whimsy, i.e. Bunny, is not a bad vice to have.

old photos, old fears

i cleaned out a closet looking for something and i found a few old rolls of 35 mm. i got them processed and put on a CD. it was a lot of photos of my Dragon before he grew his beard for me and his hair turned the color of moonlight. they are old enough to be grainy. i used to like to shoot black and white. something pure about it. now i shoot digital and can convert to black and white but i will always keep my old camera and shoot the occasional roll.

i stayed up late, even for me, looking through the photos, each one of him when we were dating and shortly after our wedding. they brought back such a flood of sadness over the man i lost.

i have to admit it. let me stand up and say, "hello. i'm womanNshadows. i fell off the wagon. i went to that place. i sat with my big vice, an anemic Shirley Temple - 7up and grenadine, no cherry - and i wept over the past. i cried over things i cannot change. i have no courage for anything even remotely big to come along that i may need to change. and i am all out of wisdom or i would have tried to find, at the very least, a cherry substitute."

i want him back. we all say it. we all think it. we want our spouses back. i personally want it to be like it never happened. a long, bad dream. i want to be right back on my wedding day looking at him looking at me. i want my Dragon to come walking down the road towards me with his big dopey dog that looked ferocious but would cower and point his huge paw at the china cabinet. i to see that smile when he realizes i'm taking his picture and hear him laugh at me. "don't you have enough pictures of me?" no, there can never be enough and now there never will be another one. these last few rolls are all that's left.

i sobbed until my head ached and i asked myself why am i torturing myself? he would be so pissed at me for sitting there like that. no, he would be heartbroken that his death has caused me such intense pain. i am in mourning and he knows how much i love him, adore him, and he knows it will always be mourning for me, even at night. he would sit beside me and stroke my bowed head shaking with sobs. he would rub my back and tell me not to go on so. he'd try to tell me that he would watch over me but i can't hear him. is it because he can't find me? is he searching all over Cape Ann for me, calling out in a voice that blends in with the cry of the gulls then waiting to hear if i reply?

he's the Dragon. i have to tell myself he knows where i am or i'll go crazy. he can track anyone. it was part of his job. so i have to keep telling myself he can find me here. but i hope he's not looking. sometimes i wish he would visit for just one brief moment to let me know he's all right, but i sincerely pray he's waiting for me in Heaven. and i sincerely hope God let's me spend eternity with him because i can't bear the thought that that brief time was all i am going to be allowed to have.

i wish i had a river......

the culmination of all my sewing and planning with my daughter and all my organization is today. her wedding.

i made it through last night's dinner by sitting in my seat and talking only to my son and his girlfriend. i was animated, regaling her with stories of him. we three talked "shop." my son and his girlfriend are both creatives. their work is on computer - 3D and Cinema 4D MoDynamics animation, computer elites. besides his "day job" teaching at the university he attended, he does free lance for Universal Studios and the Golf Channel. he's a nice young man and he respects my background of having been an art director for an advertising agency out in Dallas where all my creative work was done on the board. so the three of us talked about clients and the difference of my having to wrist it all during meetings on paper or paper napkins while they bring laptops and "clamshells" to meetings and render on-screen. very different world.

we three sat and talked and i didn't have to think about everyone being paired. i didn't have to answer questions about "how are you doing?" there was only a couple of "oh, you poor dear, so alone now and still so young." one, "it's going to be such a long life for you and yet you're too old now, I guess, to find anyone new." and one very random, "did you love him?" to each one i said, "excuse me, i need to go take some photographs for the wedding album."

i didn't cry in public. i couldn't cry when i got back to the apartment because my son and his girlfriend are staying with me. nice. this is the first time since i got to this town after my Dragon's funeral that i haven't been alone at night. i can't like it too much or think about it at all because my son and his girl leave for their respective homes in Florida Sunday. *sigh*

i laid awake until 3 AM thinking of my Dragon. i wish he were here. it's that simple. i wish he were with me for this. i don't know how to deal with people. if i don't talk too much because of my aloneness, i shut down and am in my own world. i'm not good with people beyond being a vendor of advice, work, or favors. when the attention is turned onto me, i do not know how to act/respond/be. i'm a behind the scenes person.

so i laid awake and cried alone in the dark. silent crying unheard over the fan and the itunes. my little dogs snuggled in close and knew, "it's one of those nights." i thought about my daughter going away on her honeymoon. i can't ask her to call me to check in everyday like she does normally. it's her honeymoon. i can last one week without speaking to anyone. can't i? then i thought that one thought that was the worst. i'll really be alone for the next week. my son's schedule is crazy wild and he calls only once a week, sometimes twice. but it is my daughter whose my "daughter all the days of her life." but she deserves a break from me.

hell, i deserve a break from me.

which brings me full circle to my Dragon. i want him back. i want to lie down with him in the circle of his arms and have him whisper to me all the sweet words he used to say. i want him to finger comb my hair and tell me it's all going to be okay. that he loves me and i'm beautiful and he'll never leave me. he always promised he'd never leave me.

why did they make him go? why did they take him from me when i'm the weak one? i've been so alone all my life, defending myself during childhood, protecting myself and my children during my first marriage. always alone. always the one out front taking the hits. i was already so whipped and tired. i was already so weak, my strength gone, my inner reserves almost depleted.

and then i met my Dragon.

and i wasn't alone. but now all my dreams have been shattered. all my hopes are shot so full of holes they are unrecognizable. i'm terrified. i have nothing left inside me to give anymore because i trusted that it was finally my time to have something good and i gave all of myself to my Dragon, because he told me every night before we shut our eyes, "i love you. you are my whole world. i'll always be here for you. sweet dreams, my love."

i haven't heard that in 7 months now. 7 very short, very long months.

so the wedding is today. all the people will come. i have a lot to do before it starts. i'll have a lot to clean up after the happy couple leave. and then i'll be alone again. i have no money to get anymore food until i finish another quilt. my daughter is working on her dad to loan me some but so far...... he loves the control. i have a court document that says he owes me 300K left over from the divorce that he refuses to pay saying "it's my money." i know he won't let me starve but the games are exhausting and demeaning for my daughter and me. she sees him now without the mask of "dad" attached to his name. he's let her see who he really is and she gets nauseous sometimes. she's so worried and it's her wedding today. her last comment to me last night as we parted was, "i'll talk to him again. we'll get you some money, mom." my last comment to her was, "don't you worry. i can take care of this. please, relax and enjoy all this. he's not going to keep this up much longer. he'll give me some money to last."

we hugged. we had tears in our eyes. two women who knew the unspoken. i might not be alright, not without giving up more of myself in whatever way he wants. he may want me to sew something for free. he may want me to acknowledge how he holds all the cards. and i'll diminish myself and do it. acquiescence isn't submission. it's just another strategy until a better one presents itself.

oh, God, i am already so tired this morning. i wish you could have let me have my Dragon for a little bit longer. i wish you could have allowed his deals to close before he died so that i wasn't in this financial position.

"i wish i had a river i could skate away on....."

there is no one to call

this photo is so much the usual for me and my Dragon. him further out, daring more that i ever would. me, the shadow, always taking his photo, always watching him, hanging back, in complete and total awe of his fearlessness and grace.

i'm having a bad day and there's no one to telephone. i've lost the phone number of one of the women here who gave it to me and i would hesitate to call since it would be so unexpected, so out of the blue.

i've called my daughter twice at work and cannot again. i can't do that to her and to her while at work. she can't come over to be with me and falling apart like this, i don't want her to hear when she can't do anything about it. she would feel trapped at work and worry about her mom. so, let's see, i'm not falling apart so much that i can't think outside my grief to her.

i'm going to be paid for some sewing i've done and i'm going to use a part of those funds for a beautiful urn i saw. i want him out of the black box the funeral home put him in and now i can afford to get him something nicer, something beautiful. maybe that's why i'm crying so hard this afternoon.

i'm also very tired. i've been working frantically to get a lot of sewing things done and out of the way. i now only have one more thing to finish before my daughter's wedding. but i now know who is coming with my ex-husband to my daughter's wedding - his current wife and his mother, my ex-mother-in-law. it was my daughter who told me. her own stomach is tied up in knots. but i told her and now i'm telling myself, "maybe she's mellowed."

Lord, i hope so otherwise, well, my daughter will be busy with being the bride and i'll be busy keeping everything running smoothly and being the photographer. i won't have time to get cornered by them. okay, so that's off the table.

but i miss him. our wedding anniversary was yesterday and last night was unexpectedly hard. i knew it would be. but it was a bit worse. my solitary existence was accentuated after it got dark and i closed the blinds. lonely. only television shows with laugh tracks to keep some sound in the apartment. and then shutting off the television after i put needle and thread down for the night. silence. no heavy tread locking the door. no wide shoulders preceding me down the short hallway. no give in the mattress other than my own weight. no snoring. no warmth. he is not here anymore.

this will be my life from now on, whatever it brings, i will be alone. i need to find a friend, someone who understands and on whom i can call for human contact. someone who's life is more like my own, with children grown and time on her hands so to speak. someone who knows what suffering is but wants to survive it just as much as i do. a friend. i simply wish i could find a friend like i hear about from the blogs here and in the widow's group i go to.

until then, i will dream of my life from before and work to create something good in this shredded life that i have now. right now i can only think of him. it hasn't been that long since i was with him and he smiled and held me. so i think only of him and if only for him, then i have a reason to make the best of things. for my children who's lives are only getting richer and happier, i will pick myself up and never let them see how bad bad can get with me. a smile for the wedding. a bright voice on the phone. i'll do this for them, for my Dragon. maybe someday it will be for myself.

but right now, i just want to get through this afternoon.

Tuesday, July 28th ~ how it all played out

to Widow in the Middle, Suddenwidow, Ann, and J-in-Wales, i've added the photo of the hydrangea just for you. in the language of flowers, the hydrangea showed the earnestness in communicating something of enormous import, ranging from great joy to everlasting sorrow. you can click on it to make it larger. i hope you enjoy it.

thank you all for writing on my last posting of the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. it was so strange how it played out. i was anxious on Saturday. Sunday, i stayed so busy watching stupid movies on SyFy Channel all day and worked on someone's Memory Quilt, almost finishing the backing. my daughter called from work several times to check on me which was very nice. the woman who's Memory Quilt i am presently working on also called. i started getting upset as night encroached though and i switched work. i set aside the other woman's quilt and pulled my own onto the table. i haven't worked on it since last May.

but for a few embroidery stitches, my Husband Quilt top is finished. i'll post a photo of it on a later blog.

my husband was pronounced on a Monday morning at 12:03 AM. when i went to bed Sunday night i laid there. i had taken Tylenol PM for my aching back and hand and hoped for sleep and though i was so drowsy, sleep did not come for a long while. i just laid there not sleeping but not crying either. no, for some reason known only to my subconscious, my crying jag didn't hit until last night. i think my son calling me and telling me he had gone to see the film, The Hurt Locker, triggered some memory of my husband's years as a Marine.

i was thinking of him and how much he had been hurt over all those years. i was remembering all the meds he was on for arthritis for his back and shoulders. my husband was in a lot of physical pain for all his active lifestyle of climbing on rocks with me and hiking and swimming in the ocean. he had broken his back twice during different combat missions so the pain could be quite intense for him at times. he'd been blown up and his parachute shot out of the sky the other time.

i laid there last night and i was thinking of everything he'd done for his country and for me and for my children. all the money we struggled to pay for my two for college that their father refused, and all of my debt that he paid off that my first husband left me with. my Marine was uncomplaining. he knew the enormity of what he was taking on but he did it with such love. he told me once, "i know the baggage you come with. i've carried a lot heavier for reasons far less than love. you are my world. i'd carry anything forever for you. besides, you're carrying something more important. you're carrying my heart and soul."

and that's when i started crying. he had the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a poet. i was sobbing and talking to God and telling Him that He had to make sure my husband was happy and to lie to him, LIE to him and tell him i'm doing okay. i had all these instructions for God whom i'm sure was listening to me with tears of His own coursing down His face. He can see i'm so miserable without my husband. i'm sure if there wasn't some reason for my husband having to die, God would have let him stay with me. but the reason eludes me except for maybe bringing rest and peace to a man whose body was so weary, that he needed all those meds to keep the pain at a tolerable level.

thank you to all four of you for reading my last post. i want you to know how much it meant to me to be remembered and to read what you wrote to me.

I Want To Go Home

It's the Fourth of July here in the U.S.A. It hasn't been my favorite holiday but it can be a good one. family, food, friends, fireworks. As with any holiday it is what you make of it, or can make of it.

I'm alone. The one friend I've made here has small children, her in-laws, her own parents, and, as she was born here, lived here all her life, she has innumerable friends to be with as well. Her husband has been gone a little over two and a half years. But I'm glad for her. I can only imagine feeling of raising two children alone.

My son is up in New England visiting his father and that family. My daughter is off at her own celebration with her fiancee and friends. I don't think it was anyone's plan that I spend the first big family type holiday alone. It just happened. When they realized it, both my children felt pangs of guilt. So I did what mom's are supposed to do. I put on a brave front, then dissolved to tears as the day dawned and I knew my children, my only family left, won't be around. I won't have anyone to talk to, to even expect a drop-by later on. I won't have anyone to distract me from the fact that my husband is never going to be with me again.

I've been having a terrible time lately. The pain I feel is the exact same pain as when I stepped into the room where they had prepared him for me to sit with after he was pronounced dead. I feel numb, but I'm crying. I feel so lonely for him. I also feel lonely for someone to sit with me and talk to me.

When I got up a made a concerted effort to stay very busy. I watered my plants and moved them to catch the morning sun. It's a small balcony but I'm so glad to have it. I'm on the second floor so I feel a little bit safer. The balcony is all mine.

I vacuumed the carpet, washed the kitchen floor, set out the chicken I'll cook for my supper. Interspersed is the walking of my two Scotties, Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums. They are my buddies in everything I do. They stand like sentinels on the balcony when I take out the trash and go check the mail. They sit on the bathroom floor when I take a shower. They bark furiously at any leaf or bunny that happens to get close. They rush to my side when I cry and snuggle beside me. And they sleep beside me, where he used to sleep. They make sure that I'm not alone in the bed.

Tonight there will be fireworks. Maybe I'll hear them. Maybe I won't. I don't know because I'm not home. Home is by the ocean with him. Home is in his arms. The last time I was home was 152 days ago. It seems like such a huge number but it isn't even 22 weeks. It's not yet five and a half months.

I guess all this pain and loneliness comes from wanting to go home. I want to be sitting beside the ocean, on the point on our cove, and see the fireworks at a distance. Sit on the flat rocks with the breeze coming off the water, sit in front of him so that his legs are around me, and his arms are around me.

I want to go home.