how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bunny has left the building & the "almost 2nd year blues"

my Bunny girl has been mailed to Canada. she is gone. i know she will have the time of her life, but i miss her already. i am so attached to these Bunnies. it is silliness, but there it is.

let me know when she arrives and departs, and arrives and departs, you get the picture.
bye Bunny Bun Bun. write me. save those postcards. email me those photos.
be careful. have fun, but be careful.
*sigh* i am really losing it.

"you think that the despair will stop you cold, but it doesn't: it wraps itself up in a dark corner somewhere inside and forces the rest of your system to function, to take care of the practical matters, which may not be important but which keep you going, which guarantee that you are still, somehow, alive. ~ Peter Hoeg, Smilla's Sense of Snow

It is an imperfect process, getting over loss. ~ unknown

There is eloquence in screaming. ~ Patrick Jones

can i tell you how it's been? i work all the time and that's good. Build-A-Bear is a blessing. i get paid to make children, and the young at heart, happy. i get to build bears and bunnies and tigers. i get to dress them. i get to be, for a few minutes, special to some people.

but i ache inside. i feel hollowed out. time is passing and i don't curse it or wish it to pass faster. i just don't care. food tastes okay. television is okay. nothing moves me though. nothing really touches me. i feel like a very small soul sitting in the dark and i do not know how large the place i am sitting in is. my voice echoes when i cry, scream, even sigh. and i don't care.

i want him back. still. i miss holding his hand. i miss snuggling up to his warmth in bed. i miss his laugh. i miss his cooking. i miss his beard. i miss his eyes looking at me. i miss him. and yes, i want him back.

i do not, however, wish to die before my dogs. they need me. they are so dependent on me. they love me and worry when i leave. they rush to the door when i return. they smile and jump and whine with joy when they see me. they need me so and i adore their fuzzy faces. we snuggle together on the sofa after a long day at work. each has their place on my legs so that it is a big deal to move.

i still cough. i wish i didn't. there was a few hours there that i thought i was going to die and i cried. my poor dogs. my poor children. but mostly, my poor dogs. i didn't want to leave them. but i wondered if my Dragon was hovering close to meet me. and i cried with worry that he wasn't. what if he's moved on? what if he's found some hot little angel in Heaven that's prettier than me? otc cold meds can make you think crazy stuff. the antibiotics also did some weird things to my thought process but at least i knew i was going to survive this bout.

i deeply miss my Dragon. he meant everything to me. i sometimes, honestly don't know, if i will ever feel anything again. will popcorn taste better later on in the year? will icing bring a smile to my face AFTER i get through February? when will the sun be bright? when will my laughter be real? when will i not hurt so much? after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral?

i am just ready to sit on the sofa with him like we used to do and let the world go by. cuddle with my Dragon and know i am loved. let his words fall softly on my ears and soothe my battered soul. lay my head back on his shoulder and feel his arms around me and feel safe. close my eyes and feel his strong heartbeat. feel his warmth, to once again be warm.

to finally be home.

4 comments:

Boo said...

I can honestly say that I am ready for death.

I have been telling Cliff recently, that I want to come home to him (those exact words too)

But that I don't want to leave my dogs.

Just as well we both have them, huh?

(Nah, he might sit in a bar with Cliff watching some hot angels pole dance, whilst savouring a double shot of "Old Grandad" but they are waiting. I know it.)

megan said...

amen.

xo

judemiller1 said...

I think angels are non-sexed so I don't think there would be a hot one--of course I don't know this for certain, but...I don't think so. Besides, Dragon wouldn't be interested--he only has eyes for you.

womanNshadows said...

thank you, friends. weak moments abound as i get close to the 2 year mark.

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