how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bunny and her moon

Bunny has been keeping track of the moon. it's waxing again. she is an avid stalker. when her earth turns to a position that puts the moon out of sight from her balcony, she silently slides outside to continue her vigil.
she stares at the moon, taking photos until she is comfortable that she has a good selection from which to glean the right one. the one that speaks to her. that one moment when the moon and Bunny, and her tortured camera, were one. sympatico.

Bunny loves the moon. it's her tether to the next life. she hopes that when she dies, she will fly through the sky to the moon. she wants to stop and rest there. see, Bunny is tired.
first to die was her mother. then her grandmother. her beloved grandfather. her son, her "little love." her father. then her stepmother. an assortment of feelings of grief registered through her mind and her heart. her soul was damaged by the deaths of her grandparents and her son. but then came the death of her Dragon. and her soul was ripped down the middle. it was akin to someone sharpening a knife and wanting to show off it's razor-like abilities. this someone takes a piece of paper and slices it in two with the knife. Dragon's death was like that for Bunny.

her heart cried out but nobody heard. it splintered into a million pieces and slipped out through the two pieces of Bunny's soul. she gave up her heart and soul on that night to her Dragon so that he would have those pieces of her to keep until they could be together again.

so now she wants the moon. she wants a vacation. she doesn't want anything or anyone to hurt her anymore. she wants a break. so when she dies, Bunny is politely asking God to let her Dragon come get her and take her to the moon. she and he will sit there and stare back at the earth, the big blue marble. and though she will think it's very, very pretty with all it's oceans of blue and it's swirling, twirling clouds of white, Bunny will never want to go back. because nothing can compare to being on the moon with her Dragon, resting for a spell, until she isn't so tired anymore. then she'll let her Dragon take her to the gates of Heaven so she can sink to her knees for permission to enter.

Bunny isn't a complete doormat. she believes she has an inside connection. her Dragon. her husband. her love. the one who has her heart and soul in his safe keeping.


judemiller1 said...

I saw the moon last night and wondered...when will it be full again? I know that it is so important to you and for that reason, I wish it would hurry and get full and shine down on you again. I tried to commit suicide once--at Lake Huron. The full moon was making a shining path on the water and it looked like if I kept walking, I would walk up that path right to the moon. I don't remember coming out of that lake--only awakening the next morning with a saturated pile of my clothes on the cabin floor. I guess I was meant to stay here for a while more? I still love the full moon, have loved it since I was a child and my mother set my bed so the full moon would shine on me all night.

womanNshadows said...

you were very much meant to stay here. i am glad you are here and pray you never feel that kind of despair again. i am always here for you.

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