how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

February 9th ~ Bunny gets flowers

i wasn't going to post today since i feel so drained today. i said it all yesterday in anticipation of last night and today. but at a very weak moment, breaking from sewing for lunch, there was a knock on the door. there was a nice man with flowers. so beautiful. they smell so good. and i smiled. how can you not smile at flowers? so i set Bunny up and took her picture. i wanted to show them off as i did the flowers i received from Boo on my birthday.

thank you, Split Second Single Father, for the flowers. i love them. they helped and join all the comments and emails offering support. all of it, all of you are what are getting me through this because i have to be honest, i'm not very strong today. i'm suffering. so it's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, munchos, and a glass of tea. then back to embroidery. comfort food and pouring my heart out into a Memory Quilt. and knowing all of you are out there and understanding what it feels like.

even though my heart and my words are all i can give, when you need me, they are all yours.


Bill in NH said...

Those flowers are certainly beautiful, and well-deserved. In my mind's eye they pale, however, when placed near the lovely, elegant bloom that is your spirit.

Also, if I may, I believe that you vastly underestimated your own strength. As I see flowers burst with beauty then fade, your soul brings to mind an "Evergreen", continuously blooming outward and upward, while keeping most of its inner self safe in its own shade--in its own shadows.

Wishing you a renewed and fortified spirit.

With Love, Bill in NH

Split-Second Single Father said...

My brother sent me flowers on my first "anniversary" and I smiled too. It was nice to have something that demonstrated life on a day that screamed of everything but. As I write this day is only a few hours from its end and I am glad of that for you. Even when I check your site on my phone (and yes, even when I miss a post or two) and do not comment, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Wishing you peace and a good night's rest.

Widow in the Middle said...

I really like and appreciate the idea of having flowers on a day where it is least expected. And that the flowers represent vibrancy and life on a day marked by sadness and loss. What a special gesture - posting a photo of Bunny with the bouquet lets us all share the well-meaning kindness behind SSSF's gesture.

Continuing to think of you and your Dragon.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I am thinking of you, dear.
Much love.



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