how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Adventure Days

i call them Adventure Days. they are my daughter's one day off a week and we have adventures. Michael's for floss. maybe Target to just walk around. Wal-Mart, of course, for the food. but there's the talking, the talking, the laughing, the talking, and of course the talking.i'm up on those days in anticipation of being out. as in away from the apartment. i check the weather for what shirt to wear. i have 6 long sleeve shirts, all his. i have 9 t-shirts, mixed his and mine. i wear the same pair of jeans always. my others have gotten to large, or i've lost weight. i'm not sure. but it's always exciting to know that my daughter is coming to get me.

i'm a cartoon. there was the single panel cartoon that appeared in the "New Yorker" years ago, really, seriously, years ago. i don't know why i remember it but it impacted me a lot way, way back then. an elderly woman was drawn standing up from her chair. doillies rested on the arms of the chair. it looked quite comfy. the woman's knitting was beside it, needles resting for the night. with one hand she was clutching her shawl around her, chilled a bit with the movement of her getting up and walking about the little room. her other hand was patting her television. she had a soft, lonely expression in her ink drawn eyes and underneath the cartoon it was written that she was saying, "Night,night. See you tomorrow."

i feel like that sometimes. i sew until very late. i'm in and out the sliders to my balcony taking photos of the moon. and then i walk the dogs one last time. i come in and take off their leashes. i pull my Dragon's bag of climbing ropes in front of the door as a B&E deterrant. and then i turn off the television. i don't yet say, "night, night," to it. but i think i'm close.

i've become a cartoon.

oh, well. here are more moon photos. i'm that pathetic, and devoted. one negative thing. one positive thing. so they cancel each other out and i'm okay.
the setting moon yesterday morning.
the rising moon last night.
the moon at apex for me. the earth turned and he moved and it looks different. he'll be back tonight.

i'm thinking i'm going to end up taking his photo each night until after Valentine's Day. to assist me with a goal to focus on until Valentine's Day/my Dragon's funeral anniversary is past.

and now, it's Adventure Day. i'm going to go brush my teeth. psssst. we may get hamburgers.


Dan, in real time. said...

I hope you enjoy your day out. It sounds like a good treat. I really identify with your cartoon life. I come home from work each night and immediately change into my pj's and slippers. I cook dinner, then sit down with my laptop. I don't really move anymore until bed time. I feel prematurely old. It's funny, but sad.


Suddenwidow said...

Prematurely old. Cartoon character. That's exactly what it's like. Wow.

You're not pathetic. Be good to yourself. And I hope your adventure day was great.

Love Deb

womanNshadows said...

hi, Dan and Deb. my day out was nice. i bought a little bottle of Sailor Jerry spiced rum and an ice cream cake. other food too but those two things were the most important.

when i'm home, which is every day but for the time away on Monday's, i'm in sweatpants and t-shirts and my duck slippers. kinda takes away from the visual image of the artist at work, doesn't it. think of me as a Pollock while i work. my head, heart, and mind are in my work. nothing else matters. but no one stops by. it's safe to be me.

i do feel old at times, achy. like tonight. i'm tired and wish for all the world that he were here and could rub my back.

peace and love to you both. <~~ now that's the hippie artist you are coming to know.

twinmom said...

I just wanted to tell you how much I love the photo of Dragon that you have up today (the same one that's one the pillow your daughter had made for you). Have you ever seen the movie "Somewhere in Time?" With Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour. One of my all-time favorites. There is a scene in which her photo is taken right at a moment when she sees him walk in the room, and her eyes fill with love and warmth. That is what I see in your Dragon's face, in this picture. I can see why you like it so much. Glad you were able to get out today, and hope the rum is good!

公車 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
womanNshadows said...

twinmom, thank you. it's my favorite photo, which is why it's on my pillowcase. i haven't seen that movie. i'll add it to my Netflix list that my son pays for me to have. today was enjoyable. it always is with my daughter. and the rum and coke was good. just one mug. that's all i need. i'm talkative when i'm tipsy and tend to bore my dogs.

and i have no idea how to begin to translate that last comment. i apologize.

Lonesome Dove said...

I translated the Chinese for you. Best if you just delete it. Not relevant at all and spamming for "adult" topics.

Lonesome Dove said...

I have to say that I can totally relate to your "cartoonish" comments. I don't go anywhere at all for weeks on end and tend to live in the most frumpy or mismatched clothes I can find. I suppose it was rather comical to my daughter the other day when she came home and I had on a pair of capri sweats with one leg rolled up (because of my scabby knee), my UGGS that are really ready for the trash and a small blanket wrapped around my shoulders held in place with a chip clip. She got a good laugh. I hadn't noticed the humor of it, I was just comfy and warm.

I am so glad you enjoyed your adventure day. It is good to change up the routine every now and then, isn't it? Your daughter is such an angel.

womanNshadows said...

i love the chip clip! we should all have a widow(er)s fashion show.

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