how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

i'm beside the ocean again

i'm living beside the ocean again. i can hear the waves and this time the water is warm. it's Hawaii. i've never been but Suddenwidow has and she sent me a Hawaiian beach to help me through this week. i've taken photos and i hope Suddenwidow doesn't mind being protrayed as a nurse. TLC. that's what some of us need sometimes. flowers. emails. cards. and now the beach. now if only my Dragon could come back i'd invite everyone to my apartment to sit by the beach and we'd have a party.

okay, i'm not 100%. i need to get through Valentine's Day.

here is Suddenwidow, the nurse, and me, the clown since my life is a farce. but i'm still in disguise. that's why the mask. still have the self esteem issues. sorry. =*0( Dragon was helping. now he's gone and i can't see myself in his eyes. but i'm trying to rebuild myself myself with the memory of his eyes.

meet "bowl of ocean." it comes in a box and the sand, rocks, and shells in little packets. it's a zen garden of beach.
it comes with instructions on a card for the uninitiated but i've been on a beach before. i'm a rock stacker from way back. i know what to do.

see? two pals by the beach.

a bowl of ocean. my own zen garden. i can rearrange it anytime i need to go to the beach.

i know, i used trolls. no inference intended with regards to the lovely Suddenwidow. i wanted to convey friends and the nurse troll is so small she got lost beside Beach Bunny.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm so glad you like it. I hope it brings you enough of the ocean to hold you over until you get to salt air again.

Love Deb

Dan, in real time. said...

What a wonderful gift from Suddenwidow. It is perfect. I'm so glad you have these things to help you feel better, if only a little, and for a short while. You got through a difficult anniversary, and I hope you take some time to breathe.

Love. Dan

Widow in the Middle said...

What an incredible gift from Deb. It is a very heartfelt gesture to be given a gift that really represents something that means so much to you. Like Dan, I hope this provides you with some smiles and some diversion, some peace and comfort.

Bill in NH said...

I LOVE this! I absolutely love the idea, the way you've arranged and dressed the "trolls"--all of it.

Wonderful! My dry face is cracking, I'm smiling so broadly. Perhaps I should now moisturize after my brief visit to your beach.

Thanks so much for sharing this with us, and thanks to Suddenwidow too. Very clever. Just what I needed today!

With Love,
Bill in NH

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