how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

the Ambassador speaks.....

hi everyone! it's me, Bunny the Traveling Ambassador. i wanted to say hello to everyone and let you all know i am sooo ready to get mailed on Tuesday. i have my backpack with my journal all tucked away and i have another little patchwork bag that has a surprise in it for everyone i visit.
here is some more information. first of all, know that i am going to love to come see all of you. take pictures with me. take pictures of me. email them all to my alter ego, womanNshadows at her address. if you have a blog and want to write about our visit, please go ahead and post some pictures, but be sure to send all the ones you want to have put in the little book we want to make for everyone to womanNshadows. she will compile it all.

write in my journal. it is a sacred place for you to write your thoughts and feelings. all the things you want to communicate. write down the names of your Lovely Beloveds and tell us about them. write whatever you want. it is a place for you to feel comfortable and write whatever you wish to tell us.

talk to me. my lips are sealed. whatever you want to say to me is sacrosanct. i am coming to visit with you, to be there with you, to sit and listen and be held by you. i am fuzzy and soft and in my left hand is a little sound box that, when you squeeze it, says, "i love you." we all need to know that we are loved. i love you. i understand what you have been through, are going through, and can see that your life is forever changed. i want to look into your eyes and let you know that you are not alone.

i would like to ask that you keep me for about a week, give or take, and then mail me off to the next person on the list. all this will be written in the journal too, but i just wanted to go ahead and put all this out there for everyone.

also, when you mail me to the next person on the list, would you please email my alter ego, womanNshadows, so she can give that person a quick email to let them know i am on my way? we are trying to be very respectful of people's privacy. yeah, sure snail mail addresses are there, but we were not sure about putting everyone's email address in the journal. womanNshadows thought maybe she would keep that private. when you let her know i have been sent along, she will email to let that person know to expect me.

and now for a hint at the surprise.

i was raised to bring a gift along when i go to visit people so i am bringing a gift for each and everyone of you. here is a little peek.
my patchwork bag has one for every person letting me come visit. when i arrive, please take one out of the patchwork bag and then send the rest along for everyone else to get there's. oh, and if you blog about my visit, don't tell what the surprise is.

i am so happy to be able to come visit with you. i miss my Dragon so very much. some days are okay. a lot of days are just very sorrowful. i work at Build-A-Bear and i am so grateful. i smile and talk to our guests and i love to do the "Heart Ceremony," but i have this emptiness inside me always. i see the little outfits on the wall, the Marine Dress Blues. i see people dressing a bear in it and i get the loneliest feeling. i leave work and open my apartment door, and look at the shrine we have created. womanNshadows and i sit there and look at our pictures of our Dragon and sometimes we do smile, but always there are tears. sweet tears. sobs, too.

i hope you know that i am going to be the best Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy i can be. i am soft and fuzzy and huggable. we all need hugs. we all need a safe place to write. we all need to be able to laugh a little, too. i am a whimsical Bunny so i hope you can look at me and laugh a little at how far my alter ego, womanNshadows, went with all the embroidery and in hand-sewing the backpack and the little patchwork bag of presents.

i will see you all soon.

me and womanNshadows, us, me in all my incarnations, i wish you all peace.


Boo said...

it is a beautiful thing you are doing. A thoughtful and heartfelt thing. A unique way of connecting with us, and thereby putting us in contact with other widow/ers. I am going to keep bunny in my car mainly because I cannot risk Barney getting hold of her, and that way, she can come to work with me and visit all my friends with me. The journal on the other hand he won't chew, so I will be taking time to quietly sit and reflect, and share stuff with Bunny, you and others.

I am seriously getting excited! I feel like a real person is coming, and that's great ... because I will speak to her as such ... I do a lot of my crying in the car so I'm glad she is a good listener x

judemiller1 said...

I can hardly wait to read where Bunny went and what she saw.

Anonymous said...

Bon Voyage, Bunny. It is almost Tuesday - you will soon be on your way. Take care & enjoy every minute of your adventure. Can't wait to meet you. DP,Widow in Oz

Sandy said...

I am so looking forward to Bunny's visit. I just think this is a fabulous idea. You are a wonderful person for doing this for all of us.

Suzann said...

What a fabulous thing to do, i am sure those who are blessed with the Bun's presence will enjoy her very much. You are a blessing to us. Xo

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